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Bucket Lists + Bullying + Bisexuality + How One Young Female Drummer Will School All of Us

Posted on July 18, 2011 at 04:21 AM

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1. Mat,

I recently got the news that I'm going to die in the next ten years from a medical illness that I have. It doesn't have a cure.

I don't know how to tell anyone. I haven't even told my mom. I don't know if I should tell anyone, I mean, why bring it up if I could have a full ten years left? I can't get it out of my head that I won't make it until 30. My liver has already started failing, so I may have even less time than they expected. I just...don't know how to deal.

Any advice on facing mortality?

BedofRoses

Wow, BedofRoses, the air just fell out of my lungs reading that. Thank you for having the courage to share.

When I was younger, I could work myself into such a nerdy existential funk thinking about mortality and the human condition that I wouldn’t leave the bedroom. This is why I can’t smoke chronic. To have consciousness and self-awareness, and at the same time, to have the knowledge that it will end- it just seemed like the most cruel joke in the universe. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve realized that our mortality isn’t a curse, it’s actually the key.

It’s the key to fully appreciating the majesty of the world. It’s the key to taking risks. It’s the key to overcoming fears, discovering your passions and fulfilling your greatest potential.

Kierkegaard was right when he wrote that beauty would not exist without death. We all need to drink in every sunset, savor every thrill, and in the words of Warren Zevon, “enjoy every sandwich.”

Most Americans today are masters at avoiding honest self-examination. We schedule our lives with so many distractions that decades go by before we even start to ask what it all means. The biggest positive to the news you’ve received, is that you no longer have the option of being lazy.

First, you have to tell your family. You’re lovely for wanting to spare them the stress, but they’ll want to help, and to cherish every moment with you, as much as you do with them.

Secondly, “10 years” has to be put into perspective . I recommend reading Transcendent Man by a hero of mine, Ray Kurzweil. In it, he describes how technology is evolving at such an exponential pace that we can’t even comprehend what the landscape of medicine will look like in the next decade. Bill Gates calls Ray, “the most accurate Futurist in the world”, and if he’s right, we’ll all be bionic by 2020.

Also, I recommend watching The Beautiful Truth- (about Gerson Therapy; one of many great examples of how the body’s natural ability to heal can defy all doctors’ expectations).

Then, watch American Psycho and Bourne Ultimatum twice- (just because…they rule?).

Next, realize that it’s not about living longer; it’s about living more badass-ly. Try to get motivated. MAKE A BUCKET LIST  (I’ve had one since my first midlife crisis at 14). Post it here, and we’ll draw from our collective resources to help them be achieved.

Excerpt from my Bucket List:

Live in Canadian wilderness for a week alone

Trespass the deepest tunnels of Grand Central

Become best friends with Vince Vaughn and Bear Grylls

Pitch to my dad on a major league field

Lick Abraham Lincoln’s top hat at the Smithsonian

Taste the shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck Champagne at the Ritz in Moscow

Sleep overnight in a Mayan temple

Skydive under a full moon

Catch a great white shark

Ride the Pride of Africa Rovos Rail between Cape Town and Dar es Salaam

Try to stay as positive as you can. As patchouli and granola as that sounds, there’s evidence that our state of mind does indeed have very real consequences on our bodies.

Lastly, I am a firm believer in String Theory. I believe that, at its most fundamental level, all matter in the universe is made of energy. We are energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy cannot be destroyed. Therefore, Raccoons never die—we just change form. And whatever form I take next, I’ll still hate Mariah Carey.

Your Homework: Make a Bucket List. Drink nettle tea and read this great NYT article by Dudley Clendinen 

2.  Hey Mat,

I think I'm going insane. I can't seem to escape from thinking of death. I'm almost always thinking about suicide, death and that sort of thing. What is wrong with me?

BB—

Welcome to art school, BB.  (I forwarded your message to my old dean and he said, “Crikey, she’s got the stuff!”)

Are you in need of serious professional help, or just a Poe paperback and a clove cigarette? I really. Don’t. Knowww. Think I’m getting a taste for what I must have put my poor teachers through.  :)

Listen, on one hand, I’d actually be more concerned if you DIDN’T dwell on such things. I see morbid thoughts as a natural byproduct of being highly cognitive and curious. On the other hand, to echo what my mother often told me:  “Do try to be aware of the distinction between a healthy fascination, and an unhealthy preoccupation. Also, please clean up your detritus, guests are arriving.” 

Finally, be careful whom you choose as your heroes. It is possible to channel your visions creatively, and to tap their Romantic potential, without being wholly consumed by them. I’d much rather you emulate Jonny Lydon, NOT Sid Viscious. Be David Grohl not Kurt Cobain. Be Willem de Kooning NOT Mark Rothko.

[If it’s out of hand, see my response to Heather below. Please check back in and let us know how you’re doing.]

Your homework: Eat steamed broccoli, listen to Fugazi Waiting Room, watch: HEATHERS

 

3. Dear Mat,

I've been having a really hard time at home over the last few months. Last October my Grandad had a stroke and was in the hospital for six months, my Grandma got diagnosed with bone marrow cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy, AND my Mom walked out on me and my Dad to be with her new Polish boyfriend (who tried to rape me last summer).

My Dad is taking it really bad and is one step away from becoming a full-blown alcoholic. Plus I have exams going on that I can't concentrate on because of all this shit going on around me. It seems like no one understands or even cares.

But there was light at the end of the tunnel, or so it seemed.

I'm a drummer in a band and this band is my fucking life. It's where I can concentrate all my energy into a project that's worthwhile. We were getting pretty good as well; we had loads of stuff written and were even about to start gigging. Then our bassist left, but that didn't stop us. We got a new bassist and she seemed to fit in really well and have the same goals as us. But then she started dating our guitarist and all hell has broken loose.

We used to practice two days a week, every week. (We even converted my bedroom into a music room so we could practice properly and I now sleep on the sofa downstairs because we had to move the bed out.) But now whenever we do practice, she's not interested in the music and just wants to make out with him and it's dragging us down, but I know if I say anything and she leaves, he'll follow.

And I can't lose this band now, it's all I have to keep me sane. What should I do? <3

Emmily

I chose this question because Emmily is a great example of someone who’s found a positive, healthy outlet for the pressures in her life.

Lots of thoughts… Firstly, I hail you for turning to the drums. The world needs more female drummers. I also commend your parents. As angsty as you may feel, be thankful that they love you enough to sacrifice their basement and their ears. Parents of Drummers should be a support group. They’re a special breed.

As for Yoko Ono infiltrating your group, I’m actually kind of jealous. I mean, you haven’t played ONE SHOW, and already your guitarist is getting smooched? WTF. I was on Broadway for 150 bloody performances with nary a nibble! I should’ve joined your semi-existent band instead. :)

My advice is going to sound harsh, but you need to be decisive. The industry is ruthless, so you must be even more so.  Decide right now if you want a hobby or you want a career.

“Audaces fortuna iuvat.” -Virgil

If it’s the latter, then write them both off. Relationships in bands are fatal. Neither of them is as committed as you are, and that’s cool. They should be free to enjoy their puppy love. Right now, though, you have bigger fish to fry. (holy fuck I want fish 'n chips right now).

The musicians who make it out of the pubs don’t LIKE making music. They NEED it. They need it like air. They need it like methadone. They’ll keep going when they’re broke. They’ll keep going when their girlfriends leave them. One of my favorite quotes by Winston Churchill is,“If you are going through hell, keep going.”  If they don’t have that same disease, do worries. It’s a rare strain.

You shouldn't be in a rush to form a band anyway. (It’s normal to go through another dozen groups and play with hundreds of musicians before you find the right chemistry. Their commitment must be genuine and equal, just like a marriage, because the challenges you’ll face will test that solidarity on a daily basis.)

Right now, your focus should be on mastering your instrument. So, in the meantime, there’s only two things to do: TAKE LESSONS and PRACTICE. (Guitarists can cheat and survive on 3 chords. With drums, there are no shortcuts.)

When you finally DO form a new band, for God’s sake choose a cool name. None of this trite long-winded “emo” bullshit pulled from The Sorrows of Young Werther, or wherever. Choose something iconic. (Maybe take your middle name or your street name and put a ‘Saint’ before it.)

Granted, you’re taking advice from a guy who botched the naming of his own band pretty badly- but I’ve learned a lot since then. You want something timeless; something classic. You want a moniker that will sit proudly on the Wembley Arena marquee just underneath U2 and Muse. That in mind, I’ll lay a few nuggets of pure gold on the table for you:

Puke Party

Maria Loves Paco

All Signs Point to Fuck You

Chewbacca Sex Hotel

Steve Irwin and the Stingrays

Additional thoughts: Get savvy, savvy? Drummers traditionally tend to get fucked on publishing, (by law, percussion is considered neither ‘lyrics’ nor ‘melody’), so assert yourself and contribute to the songwriting.

And, FINALLY, please be there for your Dad. My heart goes out to him. Spend as much time with him as possible. You can’t yet imagine just how pulverized he must feel. I know you’re crushed too, but his goes much deeper, believe me. The thing is, lovers may come and go, but a daughter is forever. 

[Ps: if it’s true that your mom’s new BF literally tried to rape you last summer, then you need to speak up. Tell both your parents and a counselor. Then send me his address so I can set his trailer on fire.]

Your Homework: watch these 2 videos:

*[One of the world's premier drummers, Samantha Maloney (HOLE, Motley Crue, Peaches, Eagles of Death Metal) gives a shout out to Emmily.]

 

*[Elias Mallin (Kill Hannah, KE$HA) sends some encouraging words for Emmily from UK tour.]

 

 

4. Dear Mat,

Today I tried to kill myself. I still want to kill myself. I've started cutting. I'm getting bullied at school and I feel completely useless. I don't want to carry on

Heather

Heather,

One day soon our site will include a comprehensive list of international hotlines and other resources.  For now, though, visit:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Enter your country, locate the number, and DIAL NOW. You’ll get free, immediate, confidential assistance.

[ As a last resort, walk in to the Emergency Room of the nearest hospital. Tell the triage nurse exactly what you told me. Every E.R. is staffed 24/7 with a psychiatrist that can evaluate you without delay, and offer the best course of action. (Doctor/patient confidentiality will be honored) ]

As for the bullies, they’re fucking primitives. Please do NOT give them the satisfaction of breaking you down. In time, they'll end up bagging groceries, and you’ll be hanging with me and the band after our next show. (Do not be afraid to speak up to teachers or councelors.) 

The most important thing you have to do is ENDURE TIL YOU ARE 18.

I’m sorry you’re in the deep shit right now, Heather. Good news is you’re exactly where all my bandmates, my most respected friends, and my heroes were at your age. We all remember walking down the halls feeling like the bait goat from Jurassic Park. Why else do you think Raccoons have two black eyes?

I need you to trust me. You can’t see it now, but you have an incredible life ahead of you. You’re going to become an example, not a statistic.   (Also, I have nothing hot to wear to a funeral right now. I have, like, one black suit and it was an impulse buy in 2002.)

Listen, there’s a small island out there called “Manhattan.”  On this island, roles are reversed. Bullies aren’t invited to any of the parties because everyone knows they have zero originality, no compassion and no taste. Plus, the smell of Axe Body Spray ruins the Chablis and makes me carsick.

You can’t get bullied in NYC if you tried. Seriously. Last month I wore skinny jeans and a neon green half-shirt that said, “PARTY NAKED.” (surprisingly warm actually) – Anyway, no one gave a shit. NO ONE. It was almost disappointing. Even my barista didn’t take notice. She's like, “Hey what's up.” And I'm like, “UM.. I don’t  know. Guess I’m considering partying naked?”

I don’t know what you look like. I don’t know what talents you have. But just the fact that you stand out enough to be a target for bullies, makes me think that you’re doing something right. You’re a misfit. All the good ones are.

Please stay strong. Make us proud. You’re a Raccoon.

Your Homework: Listen to: “Don’t Give Up” by Peter Gabriel. Go to a matinee (something with explosions)

5. Mat, I wanted to write and congratulate you. The internet is usually a dark and untrustworthy place in my opinion, and I think it's wonderful that you've created a safe and healthy place for people to voice their concerns. I think it's even better that people respond to each other. I'm a psychology student, planning on becoming a counselor, and this blog was one of the first things that set me on that path. :)

My question for you is for a psychology paper, actually, and if any Racoons on here want to reply that would be great:

As far as sexual orientation goes, do you believe in a black and white gay/straight orientation, or do you believe in a more "shades of grey" approach where an individual can have different levels of attraction to the opposite or same sex?

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

When was the last time you ate rosemary rotisserie chicken? For me that answer is right now. It’s so simple but so good! Who would have thought? This is going to be my new jam for at least the next week. Fuck. Hang on a second. Ok I’m back.

I’m so glad we’ve inspired you to study psychology—Oh no, wait, what have I done? After one semester you’ll know enough to expose me for the dilettante and fraud that I am! Abort!

This is a very complex question. You’re basically asking if bisexuality truly exists. I guess that depends on how you define it.

In a Utopian world, there’d be no need for any distinction at all.  Have you seen Caligula? There’s an orgy in the palace and someone is in shackles and someone’s wearing goat horns and there are guys doing guys and girls doing monkeys and eating grapes and fisting and a horse does a plate full of blow, and there’s a slave ship made of gold and they’re rowing and everyone is tan and oily and ripped and an important guy in a toga gets assassinated.. whatever…it’s awesome.  Point being that everyone, except for maybe the slaves and the dead guy, seemed REALLY fucking happy.

Bisexual behavior clearly exists, and always has. (-and I’d be happy to volunteer do some research for your paper). However, speaking strictly biologically, it gets tricky.

Despite countless Spring Break hook up stories, (and the nightlife of the entire country of Germany) scientists still hesitate to formally recognize bisexuality as a “distinct sexual orientation.” This is due to a set of Northwestern University “arousal studies” –which showed that almost all of the self-described “bisexual” men were had results that were, in truth, indistinguishable from homosexuals.

I have no idea when they plan to test women, but good luck.  There’s such a depth to the layers of intellectual, spiritual and emotional connections that influence a person’s sexuality, there’s almost no point in trying. 

We all know friends who have had long-term, wonderfully-fulfilling relationships alternately with members of both sexes. Are they genetically “wired” as bisexuals or are they just homosexuals who looked past their predisposition to temporarily connect deeply with someone of the opposite sex? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Why should anyone?

Scientists should be focusing on more important issues; Like time travel, and why my socks keep disappearing and why I’m broke and why is my landlord an asshole, and HOW THE FUCK did Kid Rock's doughy torso get on the cover of Men's Journal? 

Your homework: Stay in school so that one day you can write this blog for me.

6. Mat,

What advice do you have for someone who feels like they're only really gifted at one thing and are now losing that ability?

I stare, sometimes for hours, at a blinking cursor on a blank page, before closing the program and returning to the inane world of Stalkerbook. I'm drowning in words and ideas but the ability to put them to paper seems to have abandoned me. I've been a writer and storyteller since I was 4 years old, at least (not kidding), and wrote my first poem when I was 12. I've never known anything but wordcraft and I feel like I don't know that anymore. I know this isn’t as serious as teen sex addiction or abusive relationships but this is the question that keeps me up at night and I'll be completely honest in saying I'm fighting back tears right now. I'm that desperate for anything that huge, brilliant brain of yours can offer me.

Des [MajGen-KHK-CO]

Des,

To some, your question may sound melodramatic- But I know that for serious writers, a case of “the block” can be devastating. 

See, if you were a cobbler, life is pretty simple: Some dumbass drops off a pair of broken Manolos and you fix them. Work comes right through the front door, and it’s relatively easy to predict and quantify.

As artists, though, our engines run on a rare commodity called ‘inspiration’- something, which by its very nature is nebulous and fleeting. That’s the beauty of it, but that’s also the infuriation of attempting to bottle or replicate it. 

For some, inspiration comes from a “muse”, or from “God”. For others, from a random firing of synapses- caused by the perfect mix of caffeine and wine and weed. Who knows? Some of the best say they just know enough to seize it when it arrives.

5 TIPS FOR (maybe) CONQUERING WRITERS BLOCK

A. RELAX. I once had a haughty label rep inform me that "Prince wrote one complete song per day." I was like, “Wow! Thanks for the most irrelevant statistic in music history.” I mean, honestly, who goes up to a D.J. on New Year’s Eve and says, “Hey, can you please play the 4000 unknown shitty Prince songs that he wrote in a day?” NO ONE. They all say the same thing. “I’m wasted! (burp) Have you seen a white iPhone? It’s WHITE! My boyfriend is a (hiccup!) fucking douche. Am I pretty? Play Purple Rain! Play Purple—(vomit)!”

Point being; Forgive yourself for comparing your pace to the pace of others. Recognize that inspiration comes and goes in phases. It’s OK to be in a dry spell. It’s a good excuse to read more. Step away from Lurkbook. Live more. Travel. Disconnect. The most interesting art comes from the most interesting artists.

B. Go Analog. Forget about wasting money on “that perfect writing nook” at Bed Bath & Stab Me In the Face Please. Grab a crappy pen and a small $3 pad and keep them on you at all times. Jot down whatever, whenever. Maybe it’s one line. Maybe it’s ONE WORD. Maybe it’s a drawing of a cupcake with bat wings and a tail. Be open to it.

C. SHIFT GEARS to another artistic focus. When I’m at an absolute loss, I tear up magazines and glue collages from random images and text fragments. Stay creative. Sometimes a light bulb goes off from an unexpected juxtaposition.

D. GET STUPID AGAIN. The best songs were written by innocent bands who had no idea what they were doing. Their subsequent work lacks charm and originality because they’d been “taught” the formulas of the craft: the modes, arrangements, melodies, keys, tempos.  My hunch is that you know too much. Challenge yourself to look at the page and at language in a fresh way. Deconstruct and reconstruct. Be free. Be wrong.

[David Bowie and Brian Eno are MASTERS at finding new ways to look at their craft. They once wrote a song by approaching a guitar visually- (the frets represented posts of a fence on a landscape.) They chose notes on the basis of form, not to sound.  Given, it ended up being a goddamn train wreck, but at least they stayed unstuck.]

E. Time to Make the Donuts: Some people respond well to structure. For 3 weeks, just as an experiment, try to commit to a routine. Force yourself to fill one page every morning and every night with ANYTHING AT ALL- even utter nonsense. Even, “Mat has a weasel face. His hair looks like moss. He smells like Burrito Hut. This is useless, useless useless.” After a short while, you’ll start to find a rhythm and you may even shock yourself.

Your Homework: Steal a pen from a boutique hotel

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