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ASK MAT: Round #19 (Confessions of a 15year-old Sex Addict, In Love With Your Best Friend, How To Know If You're a Lesbian, and More...)

Posted on May 31, 2011 at 05:06 AM

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I woke up today to the sight of the neighborhood squirrel INSIDE my living room taking a shit on my radiator.

That’s hardly pertinent to this week’s questions, but if I didn’t share that with you right off the top, it'd be disingenuous of me. I want us to have full transparency, and the hot topic on my mind right now is the ninja squirrel that came in through my window hours ago, watched me sleep, and then elected to squeeze out his hot colon no more than 3’ from my open snoring mouth.

Speaking of tenacious, adorable, un-housebroken rodents, I want to express how thankful I am for all the RACCOONS who contributed questions. It takes a great deal of trust to share such personal stories, and it makes me proud to realize that together we’ve continued to create a unique community where all emotional aliens can feel un-judged and welcomed. 

(I’m STILL working on a new platform that will make the Q&A section of this blog so much easier to use, and will enable you to interact more readily with one another. In the meantime, I encourage you to continue responding in the “comment” box. If I didn’t answer to your question, I’m sure another Raccoon will.)

Here we go! 

1. Hey Mat,

I’m 19, single, and still a virgin. I haven't even kissed anyone in... three years? (Probably closer to three and a half now. I try not to think about it too often). I’m always afraid that I’m going to spend my life alone, at least romantically. I'll be the cat lady with her head always buried in a book.

I crave a relationship, but I have trouble connecting with people. Whenever I’m alone with anyone (especially guys, it seems) it's like my brain just shuts down. I’m scrambling around, trying to think up something witty or interesting to say, but the most I can ever come up with is some remark about the weather.

I've never had a big social life, even in high school. I've got one best friend, who's really more like a sister to me. I guess I’m just looking for advice more than anything. I sometimes feel like if I lost my virginity, I'd be more comfortable around guys.

There's this friend of mine who's offered sex before, and I've thought more than once about just getting it over with. I've always had the belief that sex should be a natural progression of a loving relationship, but now I’m beginning to feel like it's getting to be too late for me.

And now this is rambling on, but I just wanted to get this out to someone, and I really value your opinion. You seem like someone I could really get along with. I’m hoping to be able to get to NYC this summer and see you on Broadway.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. xoxo

Emily Elizabeth

 

Emily,

Stop stressing out. You’re not going to be crazy cat lady. You’re only 19, for God’s sake. Don’t make me reach through my laptop and donkey punch the barrettes out of your hair.

You’re getting nervous around boys because you’re being real. You don’t play games and feign disinterest. You’re one of the rare wonderful girls that actually cares what boys think, and you want to say just the right thing to make them see you for who you truly are inside. The problem is, nature is cruel, and conspires against people like us.

Chances are, you can be cool as a cucumber around anyone you don’t give a shit about, yet the minute Jr. Hottie Skater Shoulders rolls up, you’re tongue-tied and lost. He smells your desperation like a pheromone stink bomb, and skates off to chase the girl who is out of HIS league. His loss. She’ll treat him like garbage, and leave him for a 34-year-old married banker.

The wonderful thing about the universe is that, when it’s the RIGHT guy for you, none of that evolutionary psych analysis matters. Stay busy and immerse yourself the things that make you happy, (Black Ops doesn’t count). One day you and a nice boy will both be blindsided and you can dry hump to the end of the earth.

Until that day comes, I’m going to bestow upon you the Tip of the Century: 

GET A JOB THAT INVOLVES STANDING BEHIND A COUNTER.

See, when you work behind a counter, people MUST come to you, on YOUR terms. The counter is power. You have something that they need. It's your stage, it's your show and you're in control.

BONUS: After 2 months of slave wages and illegal hours, you’ll want to kill yourself, and THAT’s when they’ll come in droves. -Because at that point, you’ll have achieved the magic honeypot formula: Counter Power + GENUINE LOATHING and GENUINE DISINTEREST. In Dungeons and Dragons terms it’s like being a 5^th level wizard or whatever- and that perfume, Emily, is irresistible.

You could have rotten teeth and sell toilet brushes at Home Depot, but suddenly you become “Hardware Girl” to the gents that frequent the aisles. Work at Barnes&Noble and suddenly you're elevated to “Book Worm Girl.” Trust me, boys will be nervous approaching YOU.

Regarding the virginity issue, listen to your gut. You’ll know when you’re ready and comfortable. Don’t rush into it with the wrong person. Maybe your close friend is a good candidate. Only you know. If it takes any of the pressure off, I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 20.

At the same time, don’t lose sleep overemphasizing the significance of the act. In your lifetime you will have majestic, Shakespearian, time-shatteringly romantic sex, and you will have Daytona tequila hammock sex that you don’t remember. Just be smart and be selective. There is no God. Eat your veggies.

2. Dear Mat,

This is awkward but I feel I need to talk to someone. My name is Mariángeles, I’m 15 years old and I’m from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

For me, making friends is really hard but I finally have.  I got 3 amazing friends at my school. The thing is, I go to a technical school (to become an engineer :D ) We are in a group for 3 years, then in the fourth year, we have to choose a career (chemistry, electronics, mechanics, etc..) and the group will just...split apart....

I’m scared. I’m afraid that my friends will become strangers to me, or I'll become a stranger to them. I really don't want to lose our friendships. It happened to me before and I don't want it to happen again.  They are really amazing guys and the first ones who've accepted me for who I am, and I’m scared of losing that.

Thank You for at least, reading this...

Love, Mariangeles.

Mariangeles,

EVERYONE gets jitters at the start of a new school era.  You’re being FORCED out of your comfort zone, but that’s the best way to grow. Most people get out of school and just start to decompose. They shrink into a smaller world because of the comfort in familiarity. In this case you’re lucky that you don’t have a choice. Face it head on and embrace it. Courage isn’t a lack of fear, it’s proceeding in SPITE of fear.

The truth is, you have no reason to be afraid. Just new opportunities, new challenges, new people and another chance to re-invent yourself.

Two things worry me:

1. I’m sure it’s culturally specific, but the thought of anyone choosing a “career” at age 15 sounds pretty scary and Orwellian. I hope you stay open to change as you evolve as a woman.

2. Your words “accepted me for who I am”. Whatever you are, if you’re real, and have a good heart, should be enough for anyone. You already found 3 friends. Counting my sister and my dog that’s still 1 more than I had when I was 15!  Use that confidence to realize that if you did it once you can do it again.

As for keeping those 3 friends, maybe it’s meant to be and maybe it isn’t. Statistically, we will only stay life-long friends with 1 or 2 people from all of High School anyway. Ouch. Sorry. Eat your veggies.

 

3. @bradleyDJ [via Twitter] 

@Raccoon_Society Should I believe in Karma?

Probably.

Florence Shinn (1871-1940) wrote, "The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds, and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy."

Don’t get me started on boomerangs. Boomerangs are just about the worst possible invention in the history of mankind. Can we talk about this? Who the fuck wants to throw a sharp piece of wood that is designed to come back at you? Just throw a rock. Jesus Christ, they work fine. Any way, back to the Karma, YES. Call it whatever you want, but in my experience, there does seem to be a universal “balance”- consequences to good and bad decisions. It’s eerily obvious sometimes. No one needs religious superstition, or the invention of Hell, just the common sense to treat others as you’d like to be treated.

4. @NinjaKnees22 [via Twitter]

@Raccoon_Society I think I’m going slightly insane, any tips on how to stay sane?

The Good Ones are all “slightly insane”. It’s right where you want to be. Welcome to the club. If you need to mellow out tho, I have a comforting ritual: 

a) Play any episode of Survivorman on Netflix.

b) Wait til he’s really suffering; hypothermic, blistered, huddled in a cave, drinking his own urine, and chewing raw seal blubber.

c) Pause program.

d) Pour a glass of wine and fill your mouth with hot shrimp Pad Thai and Crab Rangoon.

e) Resume program.

 

5. @heavenside [via Twitter]

@raccoon_society How does one love thyself? What's the secret?

First, make sure the bedroom door is LOCKED. Disrobe completely. Close the blinds. Do you have any Vanilla candles? Cue up that scene in Unfaithful where Diane Lane gets powerbanged in the hallway and... oh wait a sec… you probably meant emotionally right?

Seriously, that’s an amazing question. I equate self-love with self-esteem and self-worth, totally separate from self-absorption, and hyper-narcissism. If you want to know how to WORSHIP thyself, I believe Kanye West has a blog somewhere.

Sometimes it feels impossible. It’s far easier to find everyone else more worthy of love. We see impossibly cool people on TV and in magazines and we feel less attractive, less charming, and inferior. The irony is, the most “beautiful” people I’ve met are often, privately, the most wretched and confused.

The thing is, true self-love has to come from within. I don’t want to start sounding like a bad Sting song so I’ll stop there, but you have to be honest with yourself. Are you doing the things in your life that truly turn you on? Are you sending love to other people who need it?

Let go of mistakes you’ve made in the past, forgive yourself, shut out all negativity, and realize: EVERYONE’S life is a gift. EVERYONE has capacity for beauty. EVERYONE has a purpose. EVERYONE is deserving of love. EVERYONE is entitled to be happy. That means you. That even means the guy next to me eating Pringles with his mouth open, motherfucker.

 

6. @earplugsrequird [via Twitter]

@RACCOON_SOCIETY if you could no longer sing and could choose who to take your place in your band, who would you choose/want?

Probably someone who already has my hairstyle… like… Michelle Obama.

 

7. @beliver_HKI [via Twitter]

@RACCOON_SOCIETY There's this one dude I like but he's got a GF. He flirts with me tho and even took KH to a bar for me. So what to do Mat?

The line between flirting and cheating is something that every couple needs to define specifically. Depending on their terms, he’s either a snake, or just a crafty cocksman toeing the limits. Either way, you should probably not pursue it. Stay his friend, but until he’s unattached, define your limits as well.

 

8. @Christianislost [via Twitter]

@raccoon_society Why do you choose to look like a hobo/homeless? Where did you get the Nike Terminators and your clothes?

Ok, first of all, fuck you. ;) jk  The thing is, in terms of fashion, I believe it’s best to either Go Big or Go Home-less. 

Style, especially here in NYC, is an arms race, so I prefer to either make a statement or to be invisible. Problem is, now I’m trapped in the worst of both worlds: Stylish people think I’m homeless, yet DON'T give me cash, and REAL homeless people still ask me for change. Wtf.

I bought my first pair of Terminators for $40 from the ghetto shop next to Greg’s Wicker Park apartment in Chicago. Now they come from NIKE directly, or from my good friend Collin via the company headquarters in Portland.

9. Dear Mat,

I hope it's okay to post my question here. I don't really know who to turn to without getting judged or getting myself or others in trouble.

I go to high school and I have a really bad reputation. People think I’m a slut. I’m starting to wonder if they might be right.

It all started when I was 13 and lost my virginity to a guy in his 20's, who I had met a week earlier. We ended up dating for almost a year, despite the age difference. Then I dumped him because I knew I couldn't stay faithful. After that, I had just ended up having sex with guys of all ages (15-28), some of whom I have just met, the others being my male friends from before, etc…

I just can't say no to a guy, even if I’m not attracted to them or anything.
I love that part of my life, but I hate the reputation it gets me. I’m also worried that I might have already gotten an STD, or that I might get one soon if I don't end my behavior.

Most guys refuse to use condoms (because if they do they apparently don't feel much), and I’m on birth control pills, so I’m totally vulnerable to STD's. Somehow, I just don't find that self-control to say “no” or at least say no unless we use a condom.

What's wrong with me? I know I could ruin my life with that behavior, but I simply cannot control myself.

Please, help me, any advice would be appreciated. I cannot get help in real life since I’m under 18 and my parents would find out, which could get me and some of the guys (the ones I did when I was below the age of consent) in trouble. So you're my last hope.

Love, Eve

Eve,

I’m not your last hope, but I do hope you listen to me. As much as I loved the movie Lolita, this is a serious situation.

1. You need to stop all sexual activity immediately

2. You need to schedule an appointment with Planned Parenthood (http://www.plannedparenthood.org) – You need to get tested for STD’s, and educated about STD’s (many lead to deadly Cancers).

I hesitate to use the word “addiction”, but you have to admit, were I to swap out a couple words, your question basically becomes, “Why are people are calling me a “junkie”? I mean, I love shooting heroin with dirty needles and strange people. I do it all the time. I’m aware that it’s dangerous, but I don’t want to stop.”

The PP counselors should help you to understand what forces are behind your inability to control yourself. There may be more beneath the surface than you realize. (Often, sexual promiscuity results from childhood sexual abuse.) Don’t worry, any information you give them is strictly confidential.

(From the site: “Patients' names and situations are at all times

considered privileged information, not to be discussed under any circumstances away from the clinic.”)

As for your unsavory reputation, I don’t believe in double standards for men and women. Anyone can be a “slut”- It has less to do with the number of sexual partners, and more to do with the quality of partners and the motives behind the sex.

The cool thing is, it’s never too late to change your behavior and build a new reputation.

Eat your goddamn veggies for Pete’s sake and stop making me worry so much.

Ps: See also the answer to How to Love Thyself

Pps: Anyone who Googles “Sexual Addiction resources” online may be just as frightened as I to discover that almost all response links are covertly routed to shadowy Christian organizations. Fucking gross.

10. @Hannnah_Duh [via Twitter]

@RACCOON_SOCIETY Where do you get your makeup? :P

British fans.

 

11. @Passion_Trish [via Twitter]

@RACCOON_SOCIETY When will you be playing in Newcastle again? I really miss you all.... And is panda enjoying his new home with you?

YES. Pandas are just like raccoons; They both go overboard on the eye shadow. He’s happy here in NYC with me now. I’ll bring him on the next tour. :) 

12. @KristieCupcakes [via Twitter]

@RACCOON_SOCIETY boobs or butts?

Humor. Heart. Brains. Then it’s a 2-way boob-butt tie.

 

13. @shitdevinesays [via Twitter]

@raccoon_society How many women in the 'Girls on Film' video do you think Simon Le Bon slept with?

It’s the directors that get the video whores, not the band. That said… three?

14. Dear Mat,

I’m a 21 years old girl, and though I've found people attractive I've always been a bit awkward around guys and blamed my lack of serious relationships on that. I never felt I knew what to say or how I should act and I lost interest pretty quickly. Then at the end of last summer I met a girl at my college transfer orientation. At first, I didn't understand what was happening. I'd never seriously been attracted to another girl before and it took a while for me to recognize it and then accept it.

We've become very close over the last 9 months or so. We're usually so in sync that it's become sort of a joke in our circle of friends about how married we act and while we flirt sometimes I know that it's just in jest. She has no idea how I feel about her. As for her sexuality, her experience with members of the opposite sex has been just as underwhelming as my own. In fact, she says that she's not certain she's all that attracted to anyone.

A couple of weeks ago, I got some bad news from back home and my first instinct was to go to her. She was amazing. She made tea for me and told me stories and when I cried she held me until her arms went numb. I've never felt that emotionally safe with someone, and that scares me.

Ever since then, I can't stop thinking about it. I never cry in front of people. I could handle having a harmless little crush on her, I can't handle being emotionally dependent on her. I think I’m getting in too deep and I’m terrified that she'll find out. Her friendship is extremely dear to me, even if that's all that it ever is.

I just want to know how to deal with this. I know I’m not the first person to fall in love with their best friend, but ever since that day when I opened up to her so much I've felt so vulnerable. It meant so much to me to just be there with her and the fact that she has no idea how much hurts me. The last thing I want to do is read too much into her actions. School is going to be out in a couple weeks and I’m hoping maybe my feelings will stop if we're apart for a few months, Should I limit how much we talk over the summer? I just feel lost.

Eliza on May 23, 2011 at 12:21 AM

This is a lot to chew on, Chewbacca.

After reading your question, I called a couple close gay girl friends and asked them “When did you know you were gay?”  Both explained that, while young men tend to know definitively at an early age, it’s not so clear-cut for girls. Both had gone through multiple relationships with partners of both genders before finally, in their late 20’s, realizing that they felt most comfortable with each other. Both described the connection as being much more emotional than sexual, and both intimated that the best way learn about one’s own orientation is to be open and patient, and not necessarily rush to label yourself one way or another.

There is nothings whatsoever abnormal about your feelings or the pickle you found yourself in. Your course of action seems pretty clear to me:

You have to communicate with her, and be honest. If you don’t, your feelings for her and the uncertainty of the situation will magnify, and you’ll ruin a perfectly good summer stressing about it.

Bring it up like this: “I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just confused by the heavy things you’ve helped me through, but I’ve been having unusually strong feelings towards you. I don’t really expect any response, I just needed to share, cos it’s been affecting me in a big way lately.”

Once you play that card, she only has 3 options.

Scenario 1. She says, “I can’t handle this” and runs away.

Scenario 2. She says, “I feel the same way.” and you guys start making out (and send me a pic).

Scenario 3. She says, “I don’t feel the same, but I’m flattered. Lets stay friends.”

She’ll either bolt, become your girl, or become your wingman. Even in the worst-case you’ll have peace of mind from being honest.

Now go eat your veggies and for God’s sake enjoy your summer! You’re only 21 ONCE. Party like you're Ghengis Khan! Go to the park and puke on some geese. xo 

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