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    Tour Blog; DAY 11,12: LONDON, GLASGOW; My T-Mobile Nightmare, and What the Hell is Spotted Dick?

    Posted on June 18, 2010 at 04:04 PM

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    En route to Glasgow we have a day off in London… of course we all scatter like stolen jewels. 

    Greg and Maddox go sightseeing: Abbey Road, Parliament, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Towers of London, London Bridge, etc..

    I scrape myself down into the tube station (used as bomb shelter in WWII) and head towards a different historic landmark: the T-mobile Service Center in Kensington… had to get my Crackberry™ functioning internationally…

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    It’s heartbreaking enough to spend even one minute indoors on a rare beautiful day in one of my favorite cities… but after 2 hours of circular logic with tech support, fresh sweat starts tricking down my ribcage and it gets impossible to keep my “inner rage” very “inner” anymore;

    Lady, we have the technology to control a fucking probe that’s drilling for fucking water on Mars. Right? 200 million miles from here… ON FUCKING MARS. Ok? So explain to me AGAIN why I can’t receive text messages while I’m in Europe?

    Kicking stones like Charlie Brown on the walk back to the bus -passed my fav Earls Court 24hr Tesco… I fucking CHERISH Tesco… biggest grocery store ever..  Usually I buy a ton of food and wine there, squirrel it in the bus and throw a little feast for me and any other hyenas... but this time I opted for something with a little more panache. After my T-mobile meltdown, this “bloody yank” had to go old school.

    J Sheekey in Leicester Square is an institution –dark mahogany walls…faded B&W pics from the golden era of London theatre..  I had ray wing for the first time- unreal – and I’m always entertained by the charming ‘Lost in Translation’ moments.. little cultural differences..  

    for example, here in England, Jersey Royals are potatoes with thin skins.. and Spotted Dick is… well, I have no idea, but I’d bet it’s superb. 

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    I wouldn't last one day as a waiter in this place.

     “…and a Spotted Dick for the lady?”

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    Excited to get to Glasgow… great memories here…

    Only in the UK would you name your restaurant something this cute. Scrumpy Willow and the Singing Kettle

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    Before soundcheck I went out exploring the high hills with views of the city.. beautiful.. stumbled upon the Glasgow School of Art… and from the first whiff of photo chemicals, I knew I had to trespass… 

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    I walked for an hour through the galleries and down the halls.. looking in the studios.. I miss my college days.. the goth kids and ravers.. the bad sculptures.. being nervous on the first days of each semester…

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    The King Tut’s crowd lived up to their reputation…The show was a riot from the moment the intro started... . 

    At one point I saw a journalist in the front row shake his head and take critical notes after I dedicated “I Wanna Be A Kennedy” to Sir Sean Connery…  I also saw our guitar tech, Chris, puke off the side of the stage. Business as usual.

    we collapsed back into the dressing room, drenched, beat up, happy..

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    After showers we hung out at the Dead Mau5 afterparty… then The Garage with My Passion…dancing like fools to hilarious ironic top 40. warm beer in plastic bottles… it’s a UK thing…

    “umm. This is warm”

    “They all are, mate.”

    “Can I get a cold one?”

    “You yanks just love your ice don’t you.”

    “I guess you could put it that way. Call me crazy”

    “what?”

    “nevermind.”

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    Tour Blog; DAY 10; PORTSMOUTH. Hovercrafts, Zombies, and How NOT to use a tongue scraper.

    Posted on June 14, 2010 at 07:15 AM

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    The clutter in my bunk is growing every day. I try to fight it, but it comes right back. Stronger.

    5am: “I surrender. I can’t fight the jungle any more. I have no choice. I must become the jungle.” ;That's my last semi-drunk thought before i finally manage to fall asleep… still in my boots and jacket…facedown… humping the gigantic pile of books, clothes, wine bottles, and fan banners.

    6am: A Tour Manager’s hairy finger pokes my shoulder. He whispers, informing me that we are currently parked on the lowest deck of a large ferry about to sail from Holland to England. He says I could either A) stay in my dark little habitat and go back to sleep (sensible. obvious.) or B) I could join the other passengers for a sunrise breakfast (kill me) on the top deck.

    I shut my eyes, but just knowing we’re in the bowels of a boat, I feel instantly claustrophobic and paranoid. Drowning scenes from maritime disaster movies flood my brain and kill any hope of returning to slumber mode; Das Boot. War of the Worlds. Leonardo and Kate Winslet running for their fucking lives… ok I’m standing now.

    Feel like shit… don’t know if I have just a hangover or full-blown malaria…  brush my teeth in the dark.. eyes still half shut-  i unwrap the brand new purple plastic tongue scraper i bought yesterday on impulse. Lets try it out.. the instant it touches my tongue, I projectile vomit. Did NOT see that coming. Through the tears I squint at my blurred reflection in the mirror. Good morning beautiful angel. You're a winner.  

    Cleaned up the sink. Brushed my teeth again… and left the bus.

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    I made my way up the stairwell as far as the cafeteria level, slugged a coffee, and promptly passed out against a wall between two slot machines… -had bad dreams about zombies surrounding and attacking my family. Maybe cos I’d just seen this sign:

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    Woke up an hour later to an email from my good friend Brad in NYC, who's younger than I, notifying me of his plans to seduce and marry my grandmother, thus becoming my step-grandfather… solely for the title and bragging rights. 

    Couple hours later the ferry docks and I automatically smile… so happy to be back in the UK…

    We are too early to load into the venue, so the bus parks in Southsea, Portsmouth.. a once-beautiful resort community dotted with semi-abandoned amusement parks, arcades, and cafes…very Lost Boys

    No one else is awake, so head out for a walk...

    The sky is familiar; low, thick, dark and swirling… the rain is only spitting.. not pouring. Just enough to give me Tom Hanks bangs. 

    I order an Earl Grey tea and carrot cake in a tiny beachside café… watch the families strolling around.. smile at the cute kids with the accents.. they all sound like Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh to me.

    walk to the shore and climb the ramparts of some long abandoned fortress at the edge of the continent… and just stare out, soaking in the classic English gloom.. choppy seas… ghosts of dead sailors and their widows... wish I had my iPod.. i'd play Disintegration

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    Just then a hovercraft sped past in the distance. Cool. First one ive ever seen in person. Want.

    Pull up to the venue.. great seeing all the die-hard fans lined up early..  spend some quality time with the local chapter of our beloved KHK street team

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    Took this pic across the street from the club. i love the Arabic writing on the sign. I don't know many Arabs named Ken, do you? Is his last name Tucky? Is his middle name Blatant Trademark Infringement?

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    A large shipment of new tour shirts were delivered… felt like xmas morning…

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    Backstage… hours before the show…I started taking steps to heal my damaged vocal chords (steam, avoiding speaking, hydrate, anti-inflammatories, sprays, warm-ups, etc…) –got them back to only about 60%- frustration. 

    My stage clothes are still wet from Amsterdam show... wet.. cold.. and… Wait a second… I know this smell. Vivid flashback. it’s like I’m right there again, back in my childhood bedroom in Connecticut… cleaning out my pet snail’s tank. I miss my snails. Glad tomorrow is laundry day. My bandmates hate me.

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    A very young girl was vying for a spot in the front-row when she got headbutted by man, resulting in an ambulance call and an arrest even before the first note of the first band. I took that as a sign… -that this was going to be one hell of a night…

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    It truly was. Thank you to all who came and sang along… xoxo

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    Tour Blog; DAY 9; Amster-DAMN. Cheese Crack

    Posted on June 1, 2010 at 03:46 PM

    Treated

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    10:30AM The air in my cluttered bunk is like hot sap. I forgot to take off my shoes or pants last night, and various foreign coins and bracelets and torn pages of Esquire are stuck to my sweaty ribs. I fumble for my stocking cap and smell it. "Mmmm." Nice bouquet. Somewhere between an Istanbul street market (“paprika?”) and a Shea Stadium urinal. I punch open the curtain for some oxygen and notice the strangest thing: pure silence. 

    Where is everyone? No one was playing Bass Strike on the PS2... no one was laughing at incriminating photos from the night before.. Chris wasn’t puking. Eerie. 

    Then it hit me: We’re in Amsterdam. …or as the hip hop community says, “Amster-DAAAAMN.”

    While I slept, a morning search party had been organized. The Mission: to locate, purchase, and smoke various “exotic” cigarettes in the café’s… -early enough to allow SOME hope of returning to this dimension of reality for Soundcheck at 3pm.

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    By the time I poured myself down the stairs to the lounge at 10:45, (my suspenders getting caught on the railing and snapping back violently WHAP! against my bare back, FML), their delightful expedition was already in high gear.

    Dan had already passed out, face down, on the bathroom floor of the White Dolphin Coffeehouse.  Jack was already on a first name basis with the entire staff of Burger King, which reported record figures that day for volume of French Fries sold in a single hour.

    The rest of the entourage all had pink faces, Chinese eyes, feline smiles and sufficiently warped perspectives of space and time. 

    Ground Control to Major Tom, Sergeant Pepper, and the Walrus 

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    Back at the bus, its lone inhabitant was stirring… I started the espresso machine, turned to the mirror and literally laughed out loud at how shitty I looked. Hey, good morning, it’s Gollum from Lord of the Rings… that same pallor...uncooked-shrimp-gray… but at least HIS arms were toned as fuck from rock climbing in that cave all day… bouldering or whatever. I got nothin.

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    Outside, the weather was PERFECT for a cobblestone stroll. Blindingly bright but still a hoody chill. I stood next to the bus with that released-hijack-victim stance… fresh wind hit my face… I know exactly where we are; Behind the Melkweg on Lijnbaansgracht. I’m smiling now. We LOVE this city.

    I started walking instinctually toward Bar Americain… Oldest Grand Café in Netherlands… and a one-time haunt of Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald. 

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    Along the way, a barrage of trams, bikes, freaky euro tourists, street performers and... Garbage. Everywhere. Yesterday had been “Queens Day”, which evidently is a nationwide riot… I felt like a parent coming home after my kid’s high school kegger.  Detritus. -colorful, kaleidoscopic piles of shit... down every street, in the canals floating— it was almost beautiful…

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    In a quiet pub I shared a beer with a retired photojournalist named Cloete, in town for a gallery restrospective of his work... Here’s one of his famous prints.

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    My voice was shot… weak and raspy. Smoking is out of the question, so I just enjoyed the weather, and the good memories…  Oh shit the memories.

    …Like the night on the Aiden tour when 20 of us wandered on mushrooms through the carnivals.. that giant magical playground.. filming ourselves for hours on a video camera that had no tape in it. 

    …or the time Tom and I invented the game, Gay or European? -cos, high or not, it's impossible to tell the difference. A claustrophobic club with pink walls, bald men with neck pony tails staring at my dick… paisley silk shirts, tucked in… Old Spice burning our my nostrils… ABBA playing at full volume… “Gay?” “Nope, just European!” “Damn! I lose again!” 

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    A couple hours later, back at the venue, we had a Meet and Greet with members of the KHK street team.. some of our most dedicated... many of whom had great KH tattoos…

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    Backstage, Jack and the others were still bug-eyed and high as fuck... but trying to hide it from each other. Dan and the Fabulous Bathroom Faceplant was quickly making the rounds and nearing Tour Legend status. I checked my email and learned that Swedish press had just featured us in a column called Homosexualitet. Really? 

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    Despite my shattered voice, the show was very special... thanks to the Melkweg crowd, which has never let us down.

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    The afterparty was at a cool, grimy bomb shelter called Korakov, where Greg spun anthems and we danced like kids in the fog for a while. On the sober walk back to the bus, I took in my final sights of the city we love so much… veering occasionally to dodge a cackling bicyclist or avoid falling into a canal.

    The streets by the city center are lined with an endless array of cheap food sources... fucking Xanadu if you have the munchies… Blueberry ice cream, cinnamon waffles, crispy fried chicken, spicy Thai noodles… any amazing crap your spinning head can possibly imagine. 

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    Maddox and I both laughed at this poster for a minute. Cheese Crack? Really? Only difference was, after laughing at it, he actually ordered it and ate it. Stoner.

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