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JERSEY SHORE and the Apocalypse.

Posted on January 22, 2010 at 09:25 AM

Click HERE to follow Mat on Twitter.  Click HERE to follow Kill Hannah on Twitter.

(Stay tuned for ASK MAT early next week.)

Something unexpectedly monumental just changed my life: I finally saw my first episode of Jersey Shore… -and now, just like "Snooki", my jaw is dirty and sore from being on the floor for the past 45 minutes.

A lot of people stress about an impending Apocalypse in the near future… Well worry no more, because thanks to MTV, we don’t have to wait until 2012. Culturally speaking, it’s already here -and it’s glorious. With the exception of To Catch a Predator, this has to be the finest show in television history. (same cast possibly)

I watched the orange, leathery stars of Jersey Shore with the same keen enthusiasm and wide-eyed interest that Charles Darwin must’ve felt, having first discovered the swimming Iguanas of the Galapagos Islands in 1831. “…A new sub-species! How fascinating! How bizarre!”

These are not your average, mall-cruising, testosterone-poisoned Mongoloids. Ronnie, DJ Paulie D, Vinnie and Mike (AKA “The Situation” -soon to be “The Litigation”) are Guido demigods. They elevate misogyny, roid-rage and kiss-rape to the level of an art form.

I’m pretty sure I caught an STD just from watching this show.

Jersey Shore is exactly what TV programming has been lacking: Impact. Trust me, if you ever wanted to laugh and vomit at the same time, while fighting an overwhelming urge to disinfect your dick with boiling water and bleach, this is the show for you.

Now, being skinny and strange, my band-mates and I have had our fair share of contentious encounters at nightclubs with jacked-up meatheads. We actually have a good history for diffusing potentially dangerous situations on tour… that is to say, we treat every nocturnal jock with the same healthy respect one would give to a retarded grizzly bear; avoid eye contact, no loud noises, sudden movements, etc… Then we buy them a round, and exit gracefully.

I wouldn’t change a single thing about Jersey Shore. It’s perfectly nauseating on so many levels... –But there is one question that’s been burning inside of me, hotter than the syphilis sores on Vinnie’s inner thighs... I’d love the chance to ask them this:

-IF guidos like yourselves take SO much pride in your reputed abilities to “score girls”, to “brawl” with other guidos, and to “party hard”…

-IF your tattooed, chiseled body is SUCH a temple to bad-ass, macho, alpha-male toughness…

Then WHY THE FUCK do you drink such sweet, fruity, delightful, colorful, sorority-style, girlish cocktails?

 

To quote the bartender and defacto Poet Laureate of the house,

“The Ron Ron Juice is the shit that gets the night going, I mean, whenever that shit comes out, it’s always a filthy night.”

This sophisticated recipe calls for:

+ Watermelon slices

+ Cherries

+ Cranberry juice

+ Ice .... and...

+  Stolichnaya vodka  ------ Blend, then serve in a Dixie cup.

 

What are you guys, 11 ??  I’m practically going into a diabetic shock just typing those ingredients.

I don’t know… Maybe I’m just bitter after decades of verbal abuse at the hands of jocks from around the world, but this seems to be a huge disconnect. I mean, these are STRAIGHT MEN... Right?

Granted, there’s absolutely NOTHING homo-erotic about 4 guys who wax their chests together, work out together, spray tan together, rub baby oil on each other, walk around the apartment shirtless, get their hair professionally styled twice every day, blast Cher remixes and spend 3 hours prepping to “hit the club”… but shouldn’t your choice of drink reflect your choice of lifestyle?

OK, I may be pale. I may not bench-press 400lbs and listen to Tiesto every day. I may not mainline steroids, throw tantrums and headbutt my closet door very often. I may not know first-hand the sting of pepper spray in the eyes. I may not physically force gross boardwalk skanks into awkward semi-non-consensual make-out sessions in a hot tub every night… -But AT LEAST I don’t blend fruit salad and Kool-Aid packets into my vodka like a 7^th grader.

Look, this is America. Our Constitution protects every guido’s freedom to drink whatever he chooses. Just Say Bro. -But IF all you ever talk about, to an audience of 10 million viewers, is “drinking hard” and “being a man” then AT LEAST drink like a fucking man. Put your cherry 7-11 Super Sized Vagina Slurpies away. Drink WHISKY or BEER for god’s sake. 

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PS in case you ignore me, here’s another tough guy who would love to “party” with you bad-asses and your sliced watermellon.

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Raccoon Society-- L.A. Recap - Rat Attack - PLUS Random photos from my Blackberry

Posted on January 19, 2010 at 07:13 AM

Listening to: Plainsong by The Cure, Underwhelmed by Sloan, Art is Hard by Cursive, Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies, Marseille Forum la radio iTunes stream

Eating: Everything on Figaro’s menu in Los Feliz, Cucumber sandwiches at Chateau Marmont, cheese plate at Starbucks, big mac snack wrap at McD’s

Drinking: Persian tea, mango martini at Beso, Makers Mark on the rocks, living up to W.C. Fields' quote, “I never drink water... fish fuck in it.”

Watching: Jersey Shore, Californication Season II,

YouTube: 100 greatest fails of 2009, Death Metal Rooster, XXL Big Wave Awards at Maverick's

Mean muggin with two of my favorite cronies, Josh Madden and Mikey Way at DCMA party. 

(Image courtesy of bartabz.com )

Hello Raccoons and welcome to another one of my haphazard diatribes.

I just returned from LA to Ice Planet Hoth (aka Chicago) and was greeted at the cabstand by a gust of arctic wind that hit me with the emotional equivalence of a swift kick to the nads.

I was also welcomed at my front door by a massive stack of solicitations from various Mexican cleaning ladies. In my 11-day absence, evidently, they’ve each been vying hard for the opportunity to work for me. I can’t say I blame them. -If housekeeping is your true passion, then my place could be your magnum opus; your Stairway to Heaven... you’d beam so proudly in the elevator on the ride up, clutching your Windex and vacuum, saying to yourself, “Este es el que quiero que todos me recuerdan!!” (“!THIS is the one I want them to remember me by!”)

My charcoal babybird heart still belongs to the Midwest… –and though it is indeed true that Los Angeles is morally depraved and run by tiny barking dogs, I definitely find myself artistically awakened there… -both by the colorful weather and the proximity to creative friends. Even for a misanthropic indoor cat like me, those things matter. 

Allow me to illustrate:

Exhibit A is a bowl of oranges I picked off a tree in the Hollywood Hills while a pair of teal hummingbirds flitted around above me: 

Exhibit B is a disgusting, fearless Chicago river rat that scuttled towards me in the snow as I stood in horror on my way back from Caribou Coffee.

While in LA, I collaborated on 4 songs in the studio with my good friends Davey Rieley (producer), Alain Whyte (ex-Morrissey), and Dean Butterworth (Good Charlotte).

One tune, Nobody Moves, is based on the short, romantic life of my new crush: Bonnie Parker from the Barrow gang who, in 1934, died in a hail of machine-gunfire.

I dined almost every day at my new favorite french bistro called Figaro in Los Feliz. -Monday i went for an early lunch (frog legs and escargot) and slummed like a true Bohemian til last call, 12 hours later.

I was also very lucky to be able to catch up briefly some close friends and favorite people; Mikey&Alicia, Benji, Kat, Bam, The Living Things, Tyler Shields, Didier, Jonny, Brooke, Mili, Robyn... and, true to form, the city also offered a few surprises.. unexpected run in's with some old friends; Josh Madden (who fell from the sky) Melissa Auf Der Maur (stunning as always), Aimee Echo (Her new project, Normandie, is sick), and even Adam Levine who I hadn't seen since a 2004 KH vs. M5 Xbox Halo 1 rematch.  

Bam chokes Kat at the Rainbo on Sunset. 

 

On the flight home, I was inspired by a quote from Chicago architect and urban planner Daniel Burnham: "Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will not themselves be realized." On that note, I'm excited to hit the KH War Room this week to strategize our 2010 UK/Euro Tour campaign.

To all of you who are still sending in ASK MAT questions, thank you for your patience. I'll pull 10 to answer next week. -and THANK YOU to the Raccoons who have taken the initiative to weigh in on each other’s situations. Keep that dialog going! The topics within this community are so relevant and important to me... i’m beyond excited to re-launch ASK MAT soon as a distinct area within THE RACCOON SOCIETY with improved architecture and functionality.

In the meantime, some random Show and Tell:

This is the Youtube Vid I’ve been watching every morning

-And this is Death Metal Rooster

You're welcome.

-and these are some of the pics that are causing my Crackberry to malfunction right now:

One of my favorite KH fan tattoos

-a mangled peregrine falcon i found on my street. 

A heart-wrenching photo on the cover of the NY Times

Meet Death Breath Number 1 who was clearing his throat next to me on the train for 40 minutes. (Not to be confused with Death Breath Number 2 who sat next to me on the plane)

 

This is what i like about Mexican bakers. They're whimsical. Who the fuck is gonna buy a giant pastry shaped like a Gilla Monster? NO ONE.

There’s something sad and beautiful about detailed sculptures that are so far above the ground that no one will ever appreciate them.

My niece, the future heartbreaker Part II

My fav xmas gift from Col.. antique opera glasses and and Oscar Wilde playbook from 1894

This is the most useless object ive ever seen. Plank of wood with a walnut shell screwed into it.

Cool KH laptop decal

 

This kid knew how to juxtapose. Vintage RL sport coat, Iron Maiden T-shirt. 

 

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Raccoon Society-- ROUND 18- XMAS Pics and New Years Resolutions

Posted on January 5, 2010 at 06:09 AM

Click HERE to follow Mat on Twitter.  Click HERE to follow Kill Hannah on Twitter.

Eating: Venison and wine for breakfast. maytag bleu cheese gelato, sea urchin ceviche, multivitamins, Oxycodone

Drinking: St. Germain w Hendricks gin, Chianti Reserve, carrot juice, Starbucks and Jameson

Watching: Californication Season 1, Avatar 3D IMAX (i got SO into that film, i had to take a 24hr 'time out' from my friends just to cope), Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Penn and Teller B.S., Billy Corgan interview w Steve Jones on IAMRogue.com

Listening to: the sound of distant sirens and car crashes outside my curtains… also, Alkaline Trio, Skid Row, Death Cab, NPR

Reading: The Driver by Alexander Roy, Yours Ever-People and Their Letters by Thomas Mallon

I’m getting cranky just thinking of the right metaphor or anecdote that might possibly convey to you just how cripplingly cold it is in Chicago right now. Godless. That’s the only word I’m going to use from now on. Fucking Godless. Welcome to Chi-town: The City God Forgot.

One thing that warms me, tho, besides the sweet belief in our impending doom in 2012 (finally!), and the Jameson in my Starbucks, is the memory of the last couple weeks.

Fans from around the world (Greece, Italy, France, England, Australia) converged on my frozen metropolis to share in our 7^th annual New Heart For Xmas weekend DEC 18,19.

It began Friday night at Reggie’s, where, we performed our early album, American Jet Set, in it’s entirety. The crowd had been huddling outside in torrential sleet for hours, so their hypothermic hands were clenched like T rex claws by the time they finally got inside. 

There was serious electricity in the room for the whole set, and it was way nostalgic for me to sing songs that I so clearly remember writing at a time when we were collecting rejection letters from record labels like baseball cards.

The next morning, FUSE held the first ever, live Raccoon Society Q&A at Angels and Kings with Bill Beckett as my guest. We HAVE to do that again! Any doubts that this blog wouldn’t translate in a live setting vanished the moment we walked on stage... The audience was so engaging, (some were even drunk) and we riffed on topics as disparate as religion, jealous boyfriends, zombie apocalypse, gun wielding suicidal parents and even Chevy Chase. Bill and I wore prescription glasses to give the illusion of intelligence and authority, and it worked…  By some miracle I wasn’t exposed as the fraud and charlatan that I truly am! Another mutiny averted.

That very night we played a riotous sweat-drenched 18-song set at Metro, complete with snow machines, props, Frosty the snowman, dancing elves, Santa sluts, projections, and firemen who sprayed the crowd with confetti. It was unforgettable, and I can’t thank the fans, friends and family enough for braving the arctic conditions to share the experience (esp those who brought creative gifts, cards, letters, artwork, wine and vodka… I even got a Devo autograph and some dried roses from empress Josephine’s garden in France!)

 

 

 

But now what? After the confetti is swept up… after my 3^rd shower finally removed the last of the glitter and glue from my eyes and hair…

I feel a little… lost… 

I heard a rumor that, after orbiting the earth in 1963, John Glenn returned home and sank into a depression… started drinking heavily… unable to relate again to terrestrial normalcy. In a very, very, very small way, I think I get it.

Audry Hepburn’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany's referred to a feeling which she called,“the mean reds."  (“The blues”, she said, “is when you're feeling fat or it's been raining too long," but the "mean reds" is more like free-floating anxiety with no object.)  For her the only cure was to go to Tiffany's and browse around.

MY usual cure for post-tour emptiness had always been a huge, glacial dirty martini and some Youtube vids of bears attacking women on talk shows- like this one: (this NEVER get's old)

That, and a good night’s sleep in my own bed, always served to reboot my internal hard drive. -But something’s different this time. I can’t find the Reset button. I’ve been reprogrammed. It’s gone. I’ve been staring out this window for a hour.

A coyote will chew off it’s own leg if it gets caught in a trap…  What lengths will I go to?

Carnies say that once you join the circus, it gets in your bones. -the constant stimulation; different air. different food; different cities/countries every night. You get used to living out of a bag. Sleeping wherever, whenever.

Finally now, after 7 years of touring, it seems the metamorphosis is complete. For better or worse, I’m a full-blooded gypsy minstrel. Half wolf / half alien. A permanent visitor. Even in my own city.

A Race of Men by -ROBERT W. SERVICE

There's a race of men that don't fit in,

A race that can't stay still;

So they break the hearts of kith and kin,

And they roam the world at will.

They range the field and they rove the flood,

And they climb the mountain's crest;

Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,

And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far;

They are strong and brave and true;

But they're always tired of things that are,

And they want the strange and new.

They say: "Could I find my proper groove,

What a deep mark I would make!"

So they chop and change, and each fresh move

Is only a fresh mistake.

He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;

He's a man who won't fit in.

I hope all of you Raccoons had a safe and memorable New Year’s Eve!

I’ve always been a big fan of New Years Resolutions. During his trial for heresy, Socrates famously said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  -and in that spirit, at the dawn of new decade, we should all take a moment for some serious soul searching and self-evaluation… Take stock of where you’ve been, where you’re going, and make a concerted effort to improve some facet of your life.

Some of you Raccoons are so damn perfect that you had a hard time coming up with a good New Years Resolution of your own, so I made a quick list, off the top of my head, in case you’d like to cheat off me. Maybe one is just right for you.

MAT’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010:

1. Learn how to become a great cat burglar.

2. Learn how to use swords

3. Start digging

4. Give less money to the homeless. They r insane.

5. Say "I was wonderful last night" every day to the guy that sells me my morning coffee-

6. Eat more spanish olives, or tangerines… foods that are round

7. Shirt: Yes, I do know what you are saying

8. Say "Fuck you, world" right before bed every night- just in case u die in your sleep.

9. Scowl at anyone who says, “have a good one.” 

10. Take the shells off the peanuts

11. Get to know the REAL Will Smith. Not the one i hate from his countless movies, albums, interviews and appearances.

12. Stop referring to all Puerto Ricans as "ticking time bombs" and stop using the word Jihad in so many jokes

13. Call Elias by his real name, not Chupacabre, Jabberwalkie or The Human Carp

14. Start a deathmetal band called Holy Shit. If that’s taken, try Holy Fucking Shit, and start a rivalry with Holy Shit.

15. Drinking alone is perfectly fine. Doing a beer bong alone is kinda borderline.

16. Avoid Wyoming

17. Die in the Chelsea Hotel.

18. Don’t leave the house unless you really, really have to

19. Don’t use the term “ape shit” so casually.

20. Impersonate a priest... pretend to pray for people, they won’t know the difference… Maybe even get some free shit.

21. Walk with a limp and a cane... whenever anyone asks, “What happened?”, say, "I got gored running with the bulls in Pamplona." When they say, "Really?" , say, "Why the fuck would i make something up like that?"

22. Wear spy camera at all times

23. Don’t judge by Rock Me Amadeus alone; Really dive in to Falco’s entire catalog.

24. Stop eating Twix bars and salsa in my sleep

25. Spread the word that, unless you’re eating a beating frog heart in Singapore, your daily Tweets about your meals are not interesting.

26. Remind myself in the mirror every day, “If a band called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch can sell 6 million albums, NOTHING is impossible.”

27. Stop dressing like i live in a bog.

28. Start carrying a tape measure around. Have an assistant follow me closely wearing a lab coat, holding a clipboard. Periodically stop and measure random peoples’ shit, (their coffee cup, table leg, sandwich, etc…) As the assistant collects the data, alternate between looking pleased with some measurements and VERY unpleased with others.

29. Start a rock band called Suspicious Package.

30. Start a gay DJ duo called Delicious Package.

31. Make them fight

The point is, we can always get better. We can always get more eccentric. When was the last time you wore a cape? When was the last time you wore diamond rings over  your leather gloves? Do they make leashes small enough for hamsters? If so, how many will it take to pull me on a skateboard? One hundred? Two hundred? Will they obey my commands? These are the questions you should be asking yourself in 2010.

I'd like to thank my wingman and co-conspirator JEREMY DAWSON from SHINY TOY GUNS for being my guest this week. STG and KH have been thick as thieves since the early days… in 2006 Jeremy and I were actually FORBIDDEN by our managers to fraternize with one another -because it inexorably led to one or both of us missing flights and losing a lot of money. Their album Season of Poison is mind-blowing. I’m glad for him to finally be a part of this community.

(THANK YOU also to the STG fans, and welcome to the Raccoon Society.)

There was a lot of great dialog and interactivity between you guys this past couple weeks in the ‘comments’. I love seeing camaraderie amongst Raccoons. I won’t have a guest for the next couple weeks, because FUSE and I will be working on restructuring the site, to improve the navigation and functionality.

Feel free to continue posting questions to me HERE in the COMMENTS section. Just add “???? MAT” to the subject header.

Read on, soldier.

1. JACKIE WRITES:

???? Mat,


Okay so we’ve all heard that the end of the world is supposed to come on December 21, 2012. I do not really buy into that idea but I will say that the idea of an apocalypse really freaks me out. It was probably a really bad idea to see that movie 2012.
I was just wondering what is your opinion on this?

On a side note I realized that exact date is the Friday before Xmas and if New Heart keeps occurring on the Friday/Saturday before Xmas the end of the world will probably come when I am in line...If you believe in the 2012 end of the world would you ever think of moving the dates up?

MAT WRITES:

My first thought is, apocalypse? Have you seen where I live? It’s already here –but that’s just because I’m moody and I’m mad at the fucking earth right now. I walked to the store an hour ago and I still cant feel my shins. Global Warming? Yes please.

Anyway, being a skeptic, my instinct is always to doubt. Churches make money once people believe their souls need to be saved. But I don’t have a soul, so I never gave a shit. The “End of Days” has come and gone so many times, why should this one be any different?

When I first saw all the hype surrounding the release of the film, 2012, I immediately disregarded all independent documentaries and articles on the topic as just part of a massive clever marketing campaign for yet ANOTHER bullshit Hollywood doomsday flick.

CGI? Astonishing.

Script? Plot? Please someone shoot me in the dick.

John Cusack? Really?

But then I took a closer look.

Historically, the key to being a successful prophet is to be charismatic, high on psychedelics, and most importantly, very, very vague with your predictions... that way later on, they can be interpreted any number of ways to appear accurate.

Many are con artists who have mastered the art of manipulation  -nothing more.

The interesting thing about the 2012 prophesy, however, is that it’s SO specific, and is SO consistent across SO many different cultures.

From the Mayan calendar to I Ching... From Merlin in ancient Britain to the Oracles at Delphi... From John’s Book of Revelations to the lore of the Hopi Indians… All warn of a global cataclysm occurring on the Winter Solstice in 2012, when the Earth will be in perfect alignment with the Sun and the center of the Milky Way. (which, BTW happens to be a Black Hole)

I try to avoid quack theories, and try to get my data from the most objective sources possible, but sadly I’m finding very little out there from esteemed people who can contradict this evidence. I want someone to come forward and say that this is paranoid delusion. But no one is.

This seems to be one of those rare situations where Modern Science dovetails with all the theology and lore.

SO, having said that, to answer your question, YES. -Being that i depend on air and water to live,., and being that i have neither a gigantic exoskeleton nor an interstellar escape pod… to be honest, I’m actually pretty fucking concerned.

Plus side is, we all die together.

Look, we probably aren’t gona reschedule any shows around it, but between you and me, I’d make a move for that cute boy you like NOW.

2. COLLIN WRITES:

???? Jeremy,

The history of modern music is riddled with breakups, examples including

David Lee Roth splitting with Van Halen, D'Arcy Wretzky and James Iha

parting ways with the Smashing Pumpkins, the remaining members of Pink Floyd

replacing Syd Barrett after he lost his mind, Jack and Meg White divorcing

yet continuing to make music as The White Stripes, et cetera, ad infinitum.

Indeed, both Kill Hannah and Shiny Toy Guns have incurred major lineup

changes in 2008 and 2009. Whether they be romantic, professional or both,

breakups hurt like hell yet both of your bands have somehow managed to

channel that very same hurt into forward progress and a brave new sound. I

imagine after living in a 15 passenger van with someone for the better part

of a decade, you will possess a deeper understanding of that person than his

or her own family or lover. How do you then overcome the void they leave

behind when he or she is no longer present to contribute to your creative

process?

JEREMY WRITES:

The only way to overcome that void is to find new love.  It’s literally, and exactly, like dating or marriage.   Sometimes it takes more than one change.  In our case, for example, we are still changing even now.

Is any of your work inspired by band breakups or are personal breakups more responsible for shaping your music?

Chad and I have another project we are working on that has a song that is the first one that reflects on this.    We normally try to keep that kind of thing out of creatives, it’s just something we feel comfortable continuing to harp on like beating a dead horse.

What hurts more?

Nothing hurts more than realizing that no matter how many people want something to work, or how logical it should work, that it just simply won't.

Sub-question: Mat, if you could cover any Shiny Toy Guns song what would it

be and why? Jeremy, same question to you but for a Kill Hannah song.

J: Not to pick the obvious single, but Lips like Morphine.  Love the lyrics and Chorus. 

M: Money For That… its an anthem

 

3. SOPHIE WRITES:

????Mat,

I'm a very reserved person and I have never told this to anyone before but after reading other comments I thought I may as well, so here goes:

About three years ago when I was 15 my dad came home drunk and got into an argument with my mum. This was a frequent occurrence for as long as I can remember, however this time was different as my brother and sister were not home to help me diffuse the situation. The argument eventually escalated to the point where my dad hit my mum and I was told by my mum to call the police, leading to his arrest and my parents’ divorce.

Three years later and I still have this overwhelming feeling of guilt for calling the police and my dad continues to blame me. Whenever I see him, which only happens when he wants to see my brother or sister, he'll tell me "you are dead to me" and then go on to call my mum a "bitch", "whore" and pretty much any other derogatory name you can think of.

Despite all of this I can't bring myself to hate him and wish that he can forgive me. All of this has taken a huge toll on my life, especially in this last year and I just don't know how to cope anymore.

So, how do I go about fixing my relationship with my dad? Or is it a case of too little, too late?

p.s. come to New Zealand :D

MAT WRITES:

I hope that your siblings and mother have already told you this, but you are fucking heroic. There is no possible way for any rational human being to review the course of events and place ANY blame on you whatsoever.  Your mother, too, deserves credit for taking a stand, and refusing to be victimized by an abusive spouse. As far as I can tell, you and she are both excellent role models for your brother and sister.

Your father is a monumental asshole. I’m gona bet 10 to 1 right now that motherfucker has a mustache. Maybe even a full goatee. Gross.

He is a sick, sad man, who has to live with a lot of painful regret. Some regrets are so painful that he will distort the facts in his mind in order to place blame on anyone or anything other than himself. Until he accepts responsibility for what HE did, you have no hope of reconciliation.

I have an incredible imagination, and l can’t fathom a single scenario on earth that could justify raising a hand to your wife, esp in front of a child. 

No one wants to believe their parents are monsters… and the more time your brother and sis spend alone with your dad, the more time he has to poison them against you. Your mom should prob sit down with all the kids and reiterate the FACTS of what occurred… absolve you of any guilt and commend you all for sticking together thru such a horrible family tragedy.

I’m very sorry that your dad is a loathsome piece of shit. Sucks he hasn’t learned any lesson from this. He will one day. Be patient. In the meantime, you’ll go to college and realize that no one there really talks to their dad either...

 

4. DEE WRITES:

???? Jeremy,

First of all I want to say I love STG, and the song frozen oceans has really helped me through the last year.

I had been dating this guy for a couple of months and it was all going great, but then his dad got a new job and he had to move really far away. I was heartbroken but we decided to give long-distance a shot and it has been kind of working and we see each other every chance we get. He always flies out to see me and he wants to make it work.

And I know he loves me, but I am being driven crazy by the fact I worry that he may be unfaithful if I am not around all the time. Is that crazy?

JEREMY WRITES:

Not at all.

I have done this for the past 7 years with everyone I've dated.  Its perfectly normal to be a little worried.  Communication is the deal.  Texting all day, talk on the phone a lot.  (Not meaning for hours, but multiple calls.) 

Always tell each other where you are going and who you are going with.  Not because you don't trust each other, but because simply it will make both of you a little more comfortable.  And it helps make things feel closer.   Always put each other to bed, and don't  fall asleep without saying goodnight.  Let him every single day be the last voice you hear before you close your eyes. 

Is it bad that I think the worst because he is a guy?

Haha dear, girls are just as bad if not worse when it comes to trust and mischief.   Trust me. 

Do you think it is possible for me to get over the fact I don't trust him and for us to get through the next year of being apart before we head to college together?

Why don't you trust him? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?    You can't be jealous.  You can't live in that world.  If you do, very soon you will be screaming on the phone over an untied shoelace and the entire thing will come unraveled.   Be strong and confident firstly in you, be beautiful, be bold, and don't cower in the corner because you think he is messing around or you miss him too much.  

If you really think he is messing around, like in a serious way, then stop everything, now.

5. MEGAN WRITES:

???? Mat,

I’ve been debating with myself whether or not to try to get your advice on something for a while now, and after reading your response to Olivia this past week, which touched me very deeply, I’ve decided that it can’t hurt to ask.

To put it as simply as possible, I am blind, and because of that, I have very few genuine friends. The friends I do have are amazing, but most of them live or go to college out of town, so I feel fairly alone a lot of the time. Most people will not approach me or, if introduced to me by a mutual friend, will say “hello,” then ignore me while they carry on a conversation with the other person.

All they see is a disability, and they don’t make any effort to try to get to know me for who I am beyond that. In high school, people didn’t know my name, they just called me “the blind girl,” and I’m absolutely sick of it.

That’s never been the way I defined myself. I read a lot, I listen to good music, I love films, I enjoy intelligent conversations, I am always up for a good spur-of-the-moment adventure, but no one ever takes the time to discover these things about me.

On the other hand, I’m scared to death that if they do give me the time of day, I’ll either be too shy to say anything, thus making them think I am a stupid mute, or that I will come across as the overeager nerdy chick, rambling off random information that no one cares about.

(I’m really worried about this right now because I’m coming to New Heart for Christmas this week, where there will be other KHK members to interact with, and I feel like no one is going to talk to me, or if they do, I’ll screw up my chances of making some new friends.)

Do you have any advice, suggestions, or words of encouragement that could help me when meeting new people? Anything you have to say would be deeply appreciated. Thanks so much.

MAT WRITES:

Hey Megan! … it was cool hanging with you for a minute after the show. Thanks for the Christmas card with the pic of you and your dog.. it’s on my piano.

What’s interesting is that, with the exception of your blindness, the main facets of your story could have been written by me, or any of my friends at your age.  Your dilemma is obviously heightened by your disability, but it’s also pretty universal;

EVERYONE feels lonely, misunderstood and underappreciated. Almost EVERYONE wishes that they were perceived immediately for their true inner talents and qualities rather than by their outward appearance. EVERYONE feels pretty awkward around people they don’t know…  life is kinda cruel, you know? We all have to pay our dues and carve our names. (You’re talking to the same pale, skinny dweeb who didn’t even kiss a girl til I was 17)

The great news is, you have a TON to offer, and a sensational story to tell.

Now more than ever, the Media is fixated on a very narrow definition of what is “beautiful” and “sexy.” Girls especially are under such pressure to be so fucking flawless, that consequently, we’ve created a culture of oatmeal. Bland as fuck. Sexy? Sure I guess. Interesting? Huh-wha- I just fell asleep staring at Megan Fox’s thong.

I mean, every single tabloid is packed each week with identical photos of faceless, O.C. spray-tanned clones, and I can’t tell a Gossip Girl from a Kardashian from a Desperate Housewife from a Whatever The Fuck. Honestly, where’s the next Courtney Love? Where’s the next Cyndi Lauper? Is any girl allowed to be weird anymore?

I looked at an Us Weekly this morning, and I can’t remember a single name of any of the new “perfect” celebs.  But you know what? I still remember you from 2 weeks ago.

I know you’re sick to death of being known as “the blind girl” but you can’t fight it. It’s your architype. Just like Cindy Crawford was once known only as “that model with the mole” –Often people’s “flaws” are exactly what makes them unique and memorable.

Now, how can you use it to your advantage… Maybe start a blog of your own – write about how your disability gives you a greater appreciation for bands and music than most other people. You have a COMPLETELY different perspective than anyone else. You hear things that we’ll never hear… you taste and feel things in a way that we never will.

Write about what it’s like to HEAR a sunrise…the world waking up. The birds, insects, wind, cars, etc… Most of us are missing out on an entirely different world.

Sometimes when I go to concerts, I’ll creep in the way back and close my eyes. Sometimes it’s more beautiful that way.

In the meantime, be patient…. No matter what talents you have, recognition takes time… just like a band, it starts by word of mouth, closest friends and family... then grows from there.  Be happy that your friends are away at college.. it means your potential network is  growing every day.

 

6. NIKKI WRITES:

????Jeremy,

So, for the past year I’ve pretty much failed at everything I’ve tried. I’ve been ignoring it for a while, and telling myself that there will be an upside eventually, but lately I can’t do that. Everything I do feels like a failure and whether or not it’s all in my head is something I can’t figure out. Maybe these feelings of complete and total hopelessness are normal and I’m just trying to use depression as an excuse (and if they are, let me know now so I can get over myself) but if I really am depressed I can’t do anything about it.

I know you’re “supposed” to tell a close adult or a friend or a parent, but I can’t. My parents are pretty religious, not to the point where they think everything’s satanic, but to the point where they think prayer solves everything. The problem is, I’m not. I haven’t had much faith in anything, especially a god, for the past five years. I know that if I tell them, they’ll drag a bunch of religion into it and tell me to pray about it, which won’t help, it will just annoy me. I can’t tell them why, because I’m 16 and have another two years of living with them.

My question…actually questions, are

A: What do I do if I can’t tell anyone? And

B: What do you do to get out of those moods when everything just seems like there’s no point anymore?

P.S. This opportunity is perfect for me because when I am in those moods (the horribly pessimistic ones) your two bands are pretty much all I can listen to without wanting to kill myself because the lyrics aren’t meaningless and also don’t feed my misery. So, even if this isn’t answered (which is a high possibility because so many of us raccoons need guidance), I want to thank you guys for what you do. It helps a lot.

JEREMY WRITES:

Totally normal Nikki.   You know what you don't do?  Go see a doctor and get pills.  I don't think that’s the right move for anyone unless you are literally in danger.  Of course I don't know you or your situation but don't think at all that this is weird or terrible, I felt those feelings.  A lot.  Even today sometimes things get really painful, especially recently dealing with the death of my mother and some bad break-ups. 

Also, p.s. prayer does work.   However if you read on the back of the box you kinda have to believe God is real otherwise you void the warranty.   And prayer, and God, have nothing to do with organized conservative religion which usually is a load of fear-driven bullshit meant to keep your panties on and a white picket fence up so you can become a tax-paying white American citizen who doesn't break the law and follows all the rules.

God will burn those cities, he is a badass and he loves you, you will get it someday.  It’s deep.

You gotta have someone to get Chatty Cathy with.   Friends.  Doesn't have to be an "adult".  Try your counselors at school?  Google some chat rooms?  But mainly bond with your friends your own age… you are all in the very tough and painful world of teenland together.  So hold hands and break through, metamorphosize, learn and grow and screw up and fall down...just get back on the horse and try again.  You will get it and figure everything out, one day at a time, I promise you.

 

7. NEPHILIM WRITES

Happy new year, Mat!


How are you doing? 
I want to ask you a question:

Lev Tolstoy said, that the longer the pair in love waits to have sex, the longer their love lasts. Do you agree?

I actually do agree. In general. (and i love Tolstoy)

However, I don’t think Dr. Dre necessarily cares:

“I just wanna fuck bad bitches.



All them nights I never had bitches.



Mad at 'cha boyfriend, aint 'cha?



You'se a bad girl, gotta spank ya.”

Spontaneity can be amazing, and sex without love definitely serves a purpose, but it’s kind of like jumping to the end of a book. Sure, it can be exciting, but you’re missing out on the essence of the story.

Generally speaking, if someone is worth committing to, they are worth waiting for. If you respect the other person, you want to earn their respect in return. And maybe in the first few weeks, rather than banging, you’re actually talking and discovering who you both truly are. Courtship is also a great test…if you can’t laugh and have fun without having sex, then its not gonna last anyway.. .

Obviously there are couples who’ve had immediate magnetism, rushed into sex, and then the relationship, and lived happily ever after… but it’s a major, unnecessary gamble… all you can do is PRAY that they don’t have some freaky ass secrets or peeves that set off your OCD… like, if after a month, you learn that, hey, this person farts in their sleep, or hey, this person’s jaw pops every time they chew, or hey, this person collects Arsenio Hall memorabilia, or hey, this person is a wanted felon, or hey, or hey this person actually has fleas, or hey, this person got donkey punched at Ozzfest for the last 5 summers in a row on Mudvayne's bus. 

8. JACKIE WRITES:

???? Jeremy,

I’m going to college right now for photography. I’ve always been interested in music, live concert, and fashion photography. I should probably be asking a photographer this question instead of musicians but do you have any tips on how I can break into music and concert photography and getting concert passes for shows? I’ve been able to get passes for local bands I know but that’s because they gave the okay. I know it varies for artists but I’m a little clueless on the situation. Any advice you can give? Music is such a huge part of my life and I would love to shoot for some of my favorite bands in a studio and at concerts. I’m working on building a stronger portfolio.

I’ve just recently started bringing my canon to concerts instead of using my point-and-shoot Kodak.

PS: I'd love to work with your bands some day! :D

JEREMY WRITES:

You need a website that is pro.  -And tons of pics on there.  tag all of them so that they are searchable online, and do everything in your power to begin to drive traffic to your website. 

Go to chatrooms and blogs that other up and coming photogs hang at and meet them ... exchange information, exchange imagery together.  Go to all the seminars you can, go to learn everything you can about your camera, about how to use your camera, not just the experiences you are going through in college.   Once you get further into this, you can call venues and promoters with confidence saying you are a consistent and noteworthy element of talent in the area and you will find out that you can really get in to about any show you want.  Bug the hell out of all the local papers and zines.  Offer your images for free.  Get your foot in the door, make friends, take names and use these people and their positions in press to get you the passes you need to take the pictures of the bands you want.       

9. STARR WRITES:

?????Mat...


I recently lost my closest family friend to a very tragic death. And foul play was expected. I really am so distraught about this and haven't I guess been myself lately. I find no more passion in the two things I love: my Singing and my photography anymore. I feel really hopeless and lost with out this friend. Do you have any advice to overcome my sadness?

MAT WRITES:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how empty you must feel.

Most hospitals offer free grief counseling, and as trite as that sounds, it actually works…You have to be able to tell SOMEONE what you’re going through… You have to allow the time to fully process what you feel. Most attempts to medicate, compartmentalize, or to temporarily escape the pain will usually manifest in unhealthy ways later on.

I have one idea that, when u are able to, might help to channel the sadness into something creative; You say you have a passion for photography, so maybe it makes sense to walk around the city in the early morning and take artistic Black and White pics of places, objects, or people that remind you of your friend. Once you have enough, you can bind them into a book, (www.blurb.com) dedicated in their honor. You can even write a tribute.

When the book is done, give copies to all the other people affected by the loss. Maybe even hold a launch party. it  might feel good to know that the book will be on everyone’s coffee table, so that anytime anyone comes over, his/her name is brought up and the memory stays alive...

Or you can possibly even blow up and frame the best 20 prints and host a Gallery opening… Explain that all money from the sale of the prints will go to his/her fav charity in their name.

Wish I could do more.

 

10.  ______ WRITES:

????Jeremy,

Is a call or text after midnight to come over to a boys house ever a good idea? Do guys ever want to just hang or should it be just assumed that the guy wants sex and not want to play scrabble?

Absolutely, the guy wants to get as far as he possibly can with you sexually and physically. Sorry.  We get lonely and bored and girls are soft and fun.  Get gay friends that are boys… they’re harmless. 

PS to Jackie: Yes we do that almost every night .. if there is extra room on the guest list we just go outside and pull people in.   And we will be back next year :)

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