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Raccoon Society-- Ask Mat--- ROUND 15 with AMANDA PALMER

Posted on November 24, 2009 at 04:49 AM

Listening to: YYY Head Will Roll remix, Jay-Z Empire State of Mind, Bullet For My Valentine Tears Don’t Fall, RIDE In a Different Place, NPR

Drinking: Oyster sake shooters, Il Pino Super Tuscan, Naked Protein Zone

Reading: Everybody Was So Young, Esquire mag

Youtube: Gallows Misery, 30 Seconds to Mars Kings and Queens

Watching: Pre-screening of The Road, Survivorman in the Kalahari, Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This morning a wonderful thing occurred.

As I cautiously crouched into my bath, I was dumbstruck by the temperature of the rosewater… it was IDEAL. Now, I’ve had good baths before, but this was…gasp… PERFECTION. “My word…”, I whispered as I submerged further. “In all my years…”

Without hesitation I called out for my trusted Cambodian footman. “Ponlok! Fetch the Thermal Meter at once! Make haste, God damn you, before a degree is lost!! We must take a reading!”

The Eunuch guards stood motionless as always. But I sensed that they were swept up in the moment as well.

“Ponlok! Where are you?! This water is sublime! I will forever insist that every bath from this day forward be drawn to this precise temperature!”

I wriggled my long monkey toes in delight.

“Tick tock! Tick tock! GOOD GOD, Ponlok!! You are slow as the day is long!”

I tried to compose myself. “Ponlok, you have served my family well, for generations… That much is true. You have been my loving Sherpa since childhood. Granted. Your swordsmanship is without equal. On our exotic travels you have saved my hide from bandit, avalanche and safari game alike. For decades, nobly, you have held secrets about my private affairs, for which Scotland Yard would pay most handsomely… this is all true, my dear friend... -but ON MY CROWN I will whip you like a TURKISH WHORE if you do not TAKE MEASURMENT OF THIS GLORIOUS BATHWATER!!!“

-Then a flash of bright light.  Jolted, I open my eyes to find that I’m not in a royal bathing house at all. I’m sitting on the L train in Chicago. A construction worker and a Japanese family are staring at me with great concern. My hands are not in rosewater. They are in my lap and covered with a very warm frothy white chocolate latte that must’ve spilled when i dozed off.

This is it. I OFFICIALLY need to start sleeping at night.

------------------------------------------------------

Here in Chicago, off tour, nothing has slowed down.

I’m still a little emotionally scarred from something I witnessed in NYC last week.

4am Monday I found myself at The Box, a chic private burlesque nightspot. Now, normally, I like surprises, but almost never when I’m high.

This particular night featured a famous nude Hermaphrodite posing on stage (surprise #1). Ok. I stood watching, tracing shapes in the condensation on my glass, nodding slowly to the Motown… watching with a calm, medical intrigue, until the finale’… -when he/she removed a 14” pink dildo from his/her rectum, caressed and kissed it (big surprise #2).

The curtain dropped to earsplitting applause, tho to me it sounded distant and foggy. Evidently I was already in my emotional safe place. 

Now, I don’t know how long I stood there staring at that closed curtain, but I do know that my first words were, “I’m definitely flying home tomorrow.”

Each day gets a little easier.

As always, your brilliant questions are getting more perplexing every week. Keep them coming! I truly wish I could get to them all. Here are a couple short responses to some:

Ozzie/Mousie: we r looking into that tour… fingers crossed.

Hannah from KHK in Manchester: keep jumping into fountains.

Jen: thank you for the touching words. Never waste a single day of perfect cut-off-gloves autumn weather.

Laika: You’re only 18. Move on or he will drag u down.

Naz: Try Hypnotherapy

Samantha: Sorry your mom is sinister. Stay strong.

Shelby Lund: Take it day by day… the future matters

Katrine from Denmark and Andria: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up.

Mimmi: We will come back to Finland soon

Sara: Try Urban Exploration; keep a log of your expeditions

Majo: Marriages are more complicated than you or i can understand, but it seems ok to be mad at your father and his skeez for a long time. he owes you and your sis an explanation. more later...

Aja: Stay in school

Maya: I’m not qualified to determine if yours is a “Sexual Addiction” or just a VERY heightened sex drive… but we should probably work together on this one. j/k. To your 2^nd question, YES of course, sleeping with the entire band would make you a slut.

A massive THANK YOU to AMANDA PALMER for being a part of this week’s edition. It’s a rare gift to befriend a contemporary artist who inspires you, and I’m sure we will be co-conspirators for a long time. You can hear her sing on our song Living in Misery, and as you’ll see below, she’s much more than just a great musician and vocalist; She’s a fascinating, independent mogul who cares a lot about her fans.

THANK YOU also to the AFP fans who contributed this week. You are always welcome here in the Raccoon Society.

<<<Join me NEXT WEEK when my guests will be WE THE KINGS. Go ahead, address a question to either of us right now! Just CLICK HERE and put either ????WETHEKINGS  or  ????MAT as the subject of your COMMENT. Nothing is off limits! >>>>

Ok here we go

1. KATIE writes:

AMANDA, I dated my ex-boyfriend for three years. We had an intense, reckless, passionate relationship, and I moved cross-country at the age of 19 to be with him. We've been broken up for three years, and despite the negative nature of our co-dependent relationship, and his emotional abusiveness, I haven't been able to get over him. I want to be in a happy, healthy, relationship, but I just can't seem to reproduce this passion with any of the men I meet. None of them make me feel the way he did. How do I move on and find love again?

AMANDA writes:

here's the thing: no two relationships will ever be remotely the same. you can't compare and contrast too much; you'll get in terrible trouble. i was in love, deeply in love, with my first boyfriend and we were together, off and on, for about three years. i then spent a good SEVEN years after that being totally hung up on him. i had a few other relationships in the menwhile, but it took THAT LONG to really come to terms with the fact that it was over, over, over.

part of it was realizing this: love, the good part, doesn't die. it does fade, but you don't ever have to give up one love for another. you're allowed to create a proverbial shrine in your life somewhere to that relationship, it's feelings, it's private jokes, it's love and it's goods and bads and put them all on a shelf that you can visit.

people and relationships are waaaaaaay too complicated. you can't just hop from relationship a to relationship b and say "that's over. now this." if you can, there's actually something wrong. it's like a death. you need time to mourn it and adjust. time is key. it's a cliche, but it's true. just takes time and wounds start to slowly scar over without much help from you, as long as you're taking care of yourself. giving yourself permission to stay in love with your old relationships (and by that i mean the Relationship, not the necessarily the Person) has always been helpful for me.

i still really love everybody i've ever loved....i can't help it. so go ahead and wait it out. be open and honest with people you're with and don't go too fast and don't say things you don't really mean. eventually shit will work itself out, promise. 

2. ARIENETTE writes:

MAT, Have you ever stood next to a microwave for too long? That’s what my house feels like right now. Pure, concentrated sickness.

My sister makes my life hell. yelling at me, insulting to the point of tears and physically beating me. She's not only a sister to me, we spent years as 'best friends' and now... God, i don’t even know Mat, she scares me to death.
Trivial things, like the TV remote or getting the mail or just a casual conversation can turn into a fight. 
She pulls my hair and hits me while yelling horrible things in my ear.
ALWAYS after she does this, i get so depressed. i want to hurt myself and it just hurts too much to know that somebody who i love could do this to me.

I can’t describe the feeling in words, but the best word would be: "rotten". My whole body decaying pretty much, down to the bone.
I rarely talk to my friends about it, i don’t even think they've seen this side of her. ever. She only targets me really.

The things is, we kind of 'run' in the same circles, with the same people, so its extremely difficult to explain to somebody that she could be so two-faced and cruel.
 


And, to continue with the "complaints";
she threw out my bible, the one thing (other than music) that was/is keeping me going. Now i have to hide my faith from her and pretend it never happened.

I don’t feel i can open up to people about this. (last time i tried to i got called a ‘poser’)

So,the questions;
How do i deal with this?
How can i stop her acting this way/ stand up to her without being violent?
And, How can i open up to my friends and certain family members about my faith, and now, my depression?

MAT writes:

I’m impressed that you want to take the higher road, but I think there comes a time when the one always getting pushed starts pushing back. 

You should write a letter to your sister. Make duplicates. Put one on each of your parents’ desks, and one on your sister’s bed. Then go stay at a friend’s place. It should go something like this:

“Dear (blank)

You are my sister and I love you. It breaks my heart that you’ve become such a cruel person in recent months. I don’t know what’s going on inside you, but you’re obviously in a dark place, and have some issues. I wish you’d think of me again as a confidante and a friend, and not as a combatant enemy. We are in this together, and I’m all ears if you want to talk.

That said, I’ve given you as much rope as I possibly can.

I’m going away for a few days. When I see you again, I’ll be civil, but I will not respond to you until you apologize for everything you’ve put me through.

IN THE MEANTIME, (and I do mean “MEAN” time,) here’s my policy:

a) IF you are verbally abusive to me again, I will continue ignoring you. Pretty soon, you will have irreparably destroyed the ONLY relationship that you could always count on. As a bonus you’ll also be known as the “bitch” and I’ll be known as the “cool one”.

b) IF you are EVER physically abusive to me again, then you’d better make sure Mom has your health insurance is paid in full. –cos I will rain the hurt down on you like a fucking WOLVERINE.

Do NOT FUCK WITH ME and do NOT underestimate me. I may be little, but I’ve been saving up so much fury towards you, that I am a walking, ticking time bomb. I will break your fucking nose. I will pull out your hair in clumps. I will turn into a god damn animal and you DO NOT WANT THAT. I will put a fucking Jihad on you. I will give you scars that you will have to explain to every single boy you try to fuck in college –except they won’t want to fuck you, ‘cos your nose will be crooked and the pins in your knees will hurt every time it’s humid.

I want you to think about the words “permanent disfigurement” for a second. PERM- A – NENT. Another good word to look up is Blitzkrieg.

Why? Cos’ i just. don’t. give. a fuck. I would rather sit in jail than sit at home, the way things are.

You will be saying my name a lot in years to come. Now, whether it’s Arienette-my-amazing-sister-and-best-friend, or Arienette-the-monsoon-of-teen-angst-and-the-reason-why-my-retina-is-detached-and-cloudy… that’s all up to you.

I’ve been raised well. I am a passive, religious, and loving person. -But I’m also a human being, and as such I have the right to defend myself. No one deserves to be mistreated, especially in her own home.

Friends will come and go, but sisters are forever. i hope you realize how much you used to mean to me. I hope we can get back to that place.

Mom and Dad both have copies of this letter. You have been warned. See you around.

3. KATKAT writes:

Amanda, I have a disability. All of my life, I have known I was different from everyone else. I do what I want & have no qualms about it. When my disability was diagnosed, I was EVEN MORE different...when I hit college, people started verbalizing how "weird" or "unique" I was. You could tell in their looks & dissaproving tones that it wasn't "normal" to be me anymore. Problem being this: I like being me...very much. Lately, as some of my friends (one of my closest) have bought into "normalcy," they are starting with the disapproving tones & hurtful words. Is it okay to be me? At 22 years old, is it alright to still be the me I want to be? I think you'd know & be able to help me. Please don't stop the music.

AMANDA writes:

it's pretty obvious that you know the answer already, but i think you just need to hear it again. yes: it's always, 100% totally fucking ok to be you. Always. every human being on the earth is made out of different stuff but we're all generally cut from the same cloth. if you like being you very much then you're doing everything right. just keep it that way.

people are freaked out by difference. they see something that they aren't familiar with (i don't need to start here on being gay, or a minority in midwest white america, but you get the picture) and they just spazz out.

people can be frightened to encounter people with disabilities because they don't know how to react, what to do, what to say, how to be. they're convinced that there's some acceptable, "correct" behavior and they're scared of fucking up. so their own insecurities and fears wind up being dumped straight on your head, as if you didn't have enough to deal with.

most people i know with disabilities are the smartest, wisest and kindest of all because they GET, fundamentally, the simple fact that life is too fucking short and precious to be wasted on the superficial. So. congratulations................

 

4. MEGAN writes:

MAT, I'm going to be blunt: I hate my town. It’s a pathetic little middle-of-nowhere Australian town. There’s nothing to do here, nothing to see, nowhere to go. I'm planning on moving closer to the city when I finish school- I want a busy place with lots of people and things to see, and I'm not going to get that in this shitty little town. Problem is, I don't finish school for 3 years yet, so I'm stuck here until then.

How can I make this waste-of-space town bearable for a few years until I can leave?

MAT writes:

I sense that a lot of Raccoons can relate to this. Trite as it may be, I’ll refer you to one of my favorite poems by Arthur O'Shaughnessy:

We are the music makers,


And we are the dreamers of dreams,


Wandering by lone sea-breakers,


And sitting by desolate streams;—


World-losers and world-forsakers,


On whom the pale moon gleams:


Yet we are the movers and shakers


Of the world for ever, it seems.

I mean, how many “desolate streams” does Los Angeles have?? You’d be amazed at how many of our heroes came from small towns.

Don’t be in a huge hurry to get to the city. Three years is the perfect amount of time to cultivate a diverse skill set. Every town has a library, and you should be ordering something from Amazon like every week. You can put on your own plays, design the costumes, do the makeup, write the scripts, write the songs and put them on YouTube. Put your shitty town on the map. Make it YOUR kingdom. When you finally get to Sydney, say things like, “You hipster pussies wouldn’t last a DAY in my town.”

For entertainment, when all else fails, you can always give the finger to babies. So long as the parent doesn’t see you, it’s not immoral, cos babies don’t know what it means. Trust me it will make you laugh. My good friend from MSI taught me that on tour in Seattle.

 

5. Amanda,

Why aren't you shaving? Have you got a special reason for not doing it or is it just because you realized that body hair = awesomeness?

Amanda writes:

i don't think body hair = anything. i hate rules, i hate structure, i hate the feeling that i HAVE to do ANYTHING. period.

and so i shave or wax when the mood strikes me...and i enjoy seeing the world through the eyes of someone who's flaunting the bullshit beauty standard when she feels like it.

likewise: if i were afraid to shave because people expected me to be this consistent freak-flag waving unshaven femisinst, i'd be a hypocrite. don't let anybody tell you differently: you can always have it both ways. you can shave, wax and pluck and coiff as much as you want to. go for it. sex it up. sex it down. but...the question is: are you doing it from freedom or do you have an agenda? WHAT'S the agenda? are you manipulating? are you scared shitless? think about it.............

 

6. AMBER writes:

MAT, I am engaged and i haven't told my mother. She absolutely hates the guy i want to spend my life with. How can i tell her that i'm going to marry the very guy she hates?

MAT writes:

It’s called wine, and it’s been a social lubricant for thousands of years.  All this will take is a giant jug of cheap Chianti, Rock of Love on DVD, a Post It note and a Polaroid camera.

STEP 1. Offer to make an Italian dinner w her. Girls night.

STEP 2. Put Rock of Love on the TV. Make a deal w your mom, every time Brett Michaels says, “awesome” you both take a sip of wine.

STEP 3. When she passes out drunk on the couch, write, “My daughter’s engaged” on a PostIt note and stick it to her forehead. Take a Polaroid pic of her and stick it on the fridge.

Kidding. Well, it’s one of two things: Either your fiancé’ is a cool guy and your mom is way too judgmental and prejudiced. -OR maybe your mom is just doing what mom’s do… protect their daughters from guys who are pieces of shit. Does he have a mustache or a faded tattoo of a leprechaun? Does he own a suspiciously large amount of duct tape? You have to be open to the possibility that you are too close to the situation to be objective.

Either way, marrying him without her consent is something I bet you may regret. I wouldn’t drop the bomb. I’d tell her it’s immanent tho.

DO this: Bring him to some family functions... if other relatives and friends agree with your mom, it’s a serious red flag. Call it off.

If not, then have an adult discussion with her about it. If the guy is solid, then you should be able to refute the reasons she hates him—at least to the point where she’s comfortable. Tell her that you want to marry him, but that it vital to you that she’s at your side.

 

7. Eli WRITES:

Amanda, I'm 14 years old, and I'm in high school. Pure hell, you know; but not only to me. I have this friend who tends to get really depressed when boys tell her anything about her face, personality, etc. And that's happened since the year started. My friend is really sick of them, and her life. A few months ago she told me and some other girls that she was planning to cut her wrists, but still, she never did it (I mainly think it's because she's very fearful, and it gets a ton of balls to do that) I always knew she'd never get the guts to hurt herself, but today she exploded, and spent the whole day crying, but in a really desperate way. We all sat around her to give advice, and she told us that she couldn't get that idea out of her head. And that's when I realized how bad she is. Amanda, what should I do? I really care about Sofia (my friend), and I don't want her to screw her life.

Amanda writes:

yikes. here's what i would do: if there's someone you REALLY trust: a teacher, a neighbor, an aunt, an older friend, especially if they know Sofia and won't tell her folks, i would ask for help from them. suicide threats are usually an extreme attention-getting device for someone who's really unhappy about their situation, and my guess is that Sofia is possibly dealing with some terrible, terrible shit at home....doesn't matter, the upshoot is that she's really insecure and she's letting you know that. so what she needs is probably somebody older to talk to who can help her cope with what she's going through. if you don't know anybody, then just stay near her, stay in touch, pay close attention, and tell her that you're always available to help her, in whatever way you can, and that you love her the way she is. she needs to hear it. find a way to say it that'll make sense to you and her and the situation. it can be very tempting to get wrapped up in the strangely romantic drama of someone who's threatening suicide, and not everybody around is necessarily going to care and respond for the right reasons. so make sure you don't get caught up in the drama and lure of the situation.  just stick by her as a friend.if you ever catch wind that she's in REAL danger (ie she gives you detailed specifics about getting a weapon and offing herself) do NOT be afraid to pull the alarm and call the police. if she was just stirring up drama, she'll have earned it (....and she'll need to cope with the consequences, which may - hopefully - open up some doors for healing her up). and if she meant it, you might save her life……..

 

8. J writes:

MAT, I'm sure I'm too old to be asking for advice like this, but I don't know where to turn. I'm in my late 20s and have 2 children, one of whom is disabled. I've just come out of a dysfunctional long-term relationship, and I'm absolutely lost. I have hardly any support network at all, having been alienated from many of them by my controlling ex. I feel very alone. I'm unhappy in my job, and trying to see this whole situation as a new start. I want to change direction in my career and reinvent myself. All very nice in theory, but I don't know where to start. I am terrified of being on my own but terrified of allowing anyone else to get close, terrified of taking a risk, terrified of making the wrong choices. I know I need to make some decisions and do something - I've wasted so much time already - but I don't know where to begin. I am so busy just trying to hold everything together, I need someone to hold me up but I have no one.

MAT writes:

I seriously feel for you. Congrats on being away form you ex.

When everything seems insurmountable and overwhelming, it’s usually best to break it down into small lists, and to focus on one thing at a time.

Ok. For now, get the thought of a new relationship out of your head…fuck dudes. For now.

The next thing you should do is methodically make amends with every friend that you ignored years ago. Meet them for coffee and rekindle the relationships. You need them, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how forgiving they will be. Everyone knows your ex was a dick. They missed you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Everybody needs it.

After that, start looking for a better job, or whatever.. just one thing at a time. Stick to the journey and opportunities will open up to you.

I understand your crippling terror.. that’s exactly WHY so many girls allow themselves to be victimized for so long. –but here’s the thing… you don’t have a choice. You HAVE to prevail. You are a role model to 2 amazing kids. How they see you handle this challenge will shape their entire lives forever. They can either grow up feeling that anything is possible, or they can grow up thinking that the world is a cruel and malicious place to be feared.

You are strong and brave, and the older your kids get, the more they’ll recognize how heroic you are. There are better times ahead, believe me. 6 months from now, you will have found the rhythm.

Also, I don’t want to get too fortune cookie-ish, but these 5 words have gotten me through a lot: There is always a way.

 

9. KATY asks:

AMANDA, hi. i'm in my junior year of high school, and I’m living overseas in the south of France. i moved here in the middle of my sophomore year, and while i've been told by every person who's outlived me by a year that this is such an amazing opportunity, I’m still resenting this move.

The people i go to school with are so different then me. in France the drinking age is 16, thus my peers feel that every Saturday night they should go to the local clubs get completely wasted, put photos on facebook and flaunt to everyone how amazing they are.

(i should also point out that i go to a private school and where my parents can only afford for my brother and i to attend because my parent's company offered to pay it; everyone else's "mummy and daddy" are completely loaded.)

While the main advice any one would give me would be just ignore those people. there are literally only two girls, who like me, don't think that it's super cool to not remember what you did last night. -And the three of us are definitely the "artsy fartsy" type who hang out in the art room.

it just bothers me that i've been here for almost a year and i still feel remorse for the situation, i'm such a masochist if i had a bad day i head straight for the yearbook from my previous American high school. i feel as if i didn't appreciate the enjoyment at that school until it was gone. cliche? Yes, i see a therapist and have had past issues with depression, and i still do...i feel as if i'm counting down the days until i graduate and can go study anthropology at smith college (north hampton = greatest town anyone?) Regardless, i would just love some insight from your high school experience: handling a social scene that you didn't fit in with, boys, scholastics and maybe a hug in the form of words

Amanda writes:

You know, high school is pretty much pure hell for everybody. i rarely talk to anybody who wasn't insecure as hell in high school, feeling lost, clueless, and utterly convinced that everybody else had somehow gotten the memo that they had missed.

i certainly felt like a total outcast in a certain way in high school. my boyfriend was older and outside the whole world of the school and it's social networks, there were groups of people who i thought were cool but i never felt invited into any of their  parties or friendship circles, and i was befuddled by my own extreme sense of judgment (if high school kids aren't the most obnoxious, judgmental bunch on the planet, i don't know who is). 

the most comforting thing i've learned, in retrospect, is that while i was hanging in the outskirts, looking in, a lot of people assumed (and i KNOW, because i've met them after the fact) that i was just too cool to approach and that i wanted to be left alone with my punk haircut. nothing could have been further from the truth...i wanted friends so desperately i could taste it every moment walking down the hallways with my walkman blaring. but the signal i was sending out was really hostile, and i wasn't aware of it.

here's the thing: remember that you don't NEED a shitload of friends. stick with the two like-minded ones you mentioned and treat your friendship like gold, because you're lucky you've got them, and try not to cast judgment on the ones who feel alienating. they're just going through what they need to go through, and - you can bank on it - need and crave exactly what you crave...and what i, and what everybody on this planet craves: acceptance and understanding. on the other hand, your friends don't have to be artists, they don't have to be some special pre-conceived notion of what you think your friends should look like. just test out some random kindness on one of them and see what happens. you may be shocked.

i often wish i could go back to high school and college and see everybody for the fucked-up mess they were. i know now that it wasn't just me, and i think i would have been a lot less alone, and open to more friendships, if i'd understood that.

the other thing i'd suggest is to look outside your immediate classmates for connection. some of my strongest friendships and connections when i was a teenager weren't with other students, they were with my latin teacher, my french teacher, the guy next door...all people in their 30s and 40s. i've lived a abroad, i know the strange pros and cons that can come with being an American in Europe, and one thing that you can use to your advantage is your outsider status, because people are curious about you. so i wouldn't be surprised if you can create your most meaningful connections somewhere surprising, like with the dude who fixes bicycles down the street from your house or the chick who works in the local bookstore.

say hi, let them ask you the requisite "oh la la, are you American?" questions, tell them you love talking to strangers, and before you know it you'll be sharing baguettes with them and their friends over really good wine and coffee while your colleagues are out getting plastered...................................................................................

 

10. THEO TERRY writes:

???????????? Mat,
 About a month ago a new girl transfered to my school and I developed an extreme crush on her. Something about her drew me to her. I soon discovered that she has a boyfriend and at that time lost all hope in pursuing her. But after getting to know her more and talking to her in school, facebook, and later on the phone I found out that shes an amazing person. Probablly the most amazing girl i've ever met in my entire life to be honest. And I thought it would be fair to let her know my feelings so I told her. Well her response was mutual and she likes me too. But she still has her boyfriend who shes been with for over a year. He’s like her best friend as she would put it. Her and I connect on so many levels. I could talk to her 24 hours a day and never get bored. No other girl i'm interested in even compares to her. We hold hands sometimes and we've grown pretty close as friends. I don't want to pressure her into anything. And now that I know she likes me its all so very confusing. I don't know how to be patient its so hard to. I want her so bad its crazy! I'm so scared I'll fuck up and lose her. Is there anything you could say or mention to help me?

MAT writes:

Don’t act all naïve! Dude, your name is THEO! All Theos are like you: cool and crafty as fuck.  All other guys are petrified that their GF’s might one day come home and say, “Soooo.. at H&M today, I met this sweet guy named THEO.”  Man, I shouldn’t even help you! I’d ward you about karma, but Theos are karma-proof! They eat karma. Clearly, you’re going to hump this girl... the question isn’t WILL you.. it’s SHOULD you.   -And that answer is actually a little more complicated than it seems.

Here’s the deal. 

Either A) She finds you attractive and exciting and loves the attention you give her, BUT she’s conflicted because she still has feeling for her boyfriend as well. or B) She has strong feelings for you, and just doesn’t have the balls YET to break up with her boring, safe BF.

If A, and I know you’re gonna ignore me, you should probably bail. It’s going to get messy. Even IF you steal her, sorry, I mean WHEN you steal her, the “ex” will likely always be in the picture. Drama nightmare. –still could be exciting and steamy… but ultimately VERY stressful.

If B, then wait it out. Just keep doing what Theo’s do. Stay discreet for a while and be mindful of the fact that the ex will be devastated. You are in.

Unfortunately, the ONLY way to find out is to confront her, again, and ask for an honest answer.

I HOPE that it’s B. –because you seem to have genuinely strong feelings for this girl... for the right reasons. I love that your flattery is focused on her personality and the things she says, not necessarily her looks. Maybe not all Theos are players afterall! (maybe)

Either way, always stay cool and fun and NEVER cling-y. (small, very short clever love notes are acceptable) -and either way, tell me what happens, so we can sell the story to HBO!

 

11. BECKY writes:

AMANDA, As a once-creativeish person who has found herself 35 and in a Profession with a Doctorate, I have a question about bravery. I've just been introduced to you and your work, and I love the many experiments you spearhead with your shows, Twitter, and Life in General. How are you so damn fearless, and is there anything you have to suggest for someone who yearns for some of that freedom again? Does it all just come down to saying 'fuck it' and jumping off the cliff? (come to Texas)

AMANDA writes:

as simple as it seems, um.....yep. just say fuck it and jump off the cliff. in my experience, the net always appears, sometimes not even in the form of a net (so be careful and don't freak out when it's a trampoline, or a sleeping bag carried by a bunch of children or something). do something unexpected every day. it takes WORK and EFFORT, it takes TIME. but all of a sudden, life's more fucking interesting, and there you go.

p.s. i'll come to texas soon, i promise

12. BONUS ANSWER to AERIC from Amanda: if you watch the film "king of hearts" (original french: "le roi du coeur") you'll pretty much see my entire life philosophy come to life in color on a screen for 90 minutes.when i saw that film (i was a teenager, probably 16) my life was changed because i knew i wasn't alone in my crazy fucked up dreams and absurd idealist view of the world. 

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DARK MATTER, INTERGALACTIC GAS and AMANDA PALMER

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 12:01 PM

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Kill Hannah Robbed, Remaining US Tour Dates Canceled

Posted on November 11, 2009 at 05:26 PM

Oh, boo! Resident blogger Mat Devine and crew are reporting that their van and over $120,000 in equipment (epically pictured above) have been stolen. The loss couldn't have come at a worse time as Kill Hannah is currently on the road with Morningwood, Jet, and Papa Roach. Official release is after the jump.

... (Read More)

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Raccoon Society-- Ask Mat--- ROUND 14

Posted on November 11, 2009 at 08:35 AM

Click HERE to follow Mat on Twitter.  Click HERE to follow Kill Hannah on Twitter.

Eating: the dressing room is very dark. Hoping that was hummus.

Drinking: Penfold’s Merlot, grey goose dirty martini

Reading: wine lists and highway signs

Listening to: Howard Stern on Sirius, Deftones White Pony, Ride Nowhere.. nostalgia always strikes this time of year

Welcome to another edition of The Raccoon Society…

I’m typing at you bleary-eyed from Baltimore, MD in the final week of our tour w/ Morningwood, JET and P Roach. 

An interesting thing about being a professional gypsy, spending so much of my life in hotels, I start to notice trivial details. Like, those Emergency signs by the elevators.... Someone, somewhere got PAID to design these. More often than not, the fire resembles a ghost or a Klansman, and the stickguy looks like a flamboyant arsonist... fleeing the scene. I started taking Blackberry pics over the past several days just to show you:

IN CASE OF FIRE, Creep into the basement very, very quietly. 

IN CASE OF FIRE, it was your bong. Walk away all nonchalant, like you don’t even notice the alarms going off.

IN CASE OF FIRE, wait at top of stairs. When fire turns corner, give it a judo kick.

IN CASE OF FIRE, tap dance on the stairs like a complete tool.

IN CASE OF FIRE, stop! Don't i recognize you from somewhere? 

IN CASE OF FIRE, it's still a wonderful afternoon! A brisk jog to the Gay Pride Parade is just the thing!  Dislocate your right knee.

IN CASE OF FIRE, dress impeccably. A gentleman never rushes. Your cash and jewels are safe in the Canary Islands offshore account.

This one’s from Canada, and sends the exact opposite message:

IN CASE OF FIRE, Panic and run like a motherfucker.

There we're so many excellent questions I won't get to until next week.. but just to summarize a few:

Majo: Your dad IS an asshole and owed you an explanation. Don’t lose your faith in men or love.

George: go to Community College for a year then transfer.

Andi: yes, you can make out w your step-cousin.

Cinnamon Girl: Elias will email you his response.

Nazz: Welcome to Existentialism.

Alex: Nothing about any of us is ‘natural.’ Make your own ‘destiny’. Do what it takes to be happy.

THANK YOU to THE MAINE for being my guests this week. They were generous enough to take time from their whirlwind tour with Boys Like Girls and Cobra Starship to answer several of your questions.  THANK YOU also to their fans for your submissions! It’s wild to see how much we all have in common. Welcome to The Raccoon Society— hope you stay.

<<<<<<Join me next week, when my guest will be AMANDA PALMER. AFP lent her voice to one of my favorite new KH songs, and she’s easily one of the most compelling, daring artists I’ve ever known.  CLICK HERE to leave a question for either of us. Just put ????AMANDA or ????MAT in the header of your COMMENT.>>>>>>

Finally…  I want to continue to urge you all to keep submitting… and to keep commenting. Often there are brilliant, touching stories that I’m unable to respond to, and I’d love for all of you in this community to feel open to express yourselves. If you can relate to some one else’s dilemma, let them know. I read ALL the submissions, and I just hope all your Raccoons know how much I care about you.

Go time...

1) FROM Vee ???? THE MAINE (Kennedy).

Q: I was just wondering if you guys believed in God, or religion? (Only if you’re comfortable with that though. -i don't mean to put you in an awkward position...) Thanks!

A (Kennedy): I am not really a religious person. As I have grown up in life, and experienced the world, I haven't had a need for religion. I do not believe that there is a God, or afterlife, etc. -Only because I have not experienced anything to prove their existence. I feel that life is a crazy adventure and to live life to its fullest you need to appreciate what a special thing it is. If you spend life focusing on what is afterwards, you never get to see the world in front of you. There are very positive parts of religious practice, however. Many religions promote honorable morals. -The same morals that have been instilled in me, throughout my life, without the pursuit of a rewarding afterlife. Religion is a touchy subject with a lot of people, and therefore I choose to live my life without it, so far so good.

2) FROM AKM ??????MAT.

Q: My friends are all thin and pretty good-looking. I am the one they call the "fat friend." I have always been overweight and now that I am in college I am still very overweight. My friends all get dates and get attention from guys and I just get left out. Obviously no guy likes fat girls.

I am trying to lose weight but nothing seems to work. I feel ugly and useless, and when we go out I feel invisible.

My friends all tell me that it's what's inside that counts, and that I'm beautiful, and that somewhere there's a guy for me, but I know it's BS. I told them guys just don't like girls like me. They still tried to make me feel better so since you are so honest I want to ask you straight up.

Would you date a fat girl? Are fat girls even remotely attractive? Is all the stuff my friends say really BS or are they actually telling the truth and I haven't met the right guy?

I'm sick of being invisible and I’m even more sick of being lied to.

"The Fat Friend"

A (MAT): I know what its like to be ‘invisible’ as you described so well. -growing up with a tall handsome best friend that looked like David Beckham, I basically felt like Danny Devito in his shadow. Don’t let it bum you out… you will emerge one day for other, more significant characteristics.

The movie Shallow Hal puts forth the very Disney-esque, romantic notion that all men are vane and that all obese women are beautiful on the inside. I COMPLETELY disagree. The truth is, almost ALL people suck, -heavy, thin or otherwise. It’s so incredibly rare to find anyone on this planet that has a good heart, an original thought, or who can make me laugh… so, in terms of who I love and admire as dear friends... weight has absolutely nothing to do with it.

In terms of sex, let me ask you something: Are YOU turned on by overweight guys?

Chances are, the answer is ‘not usually.’

There are basic biological and evolutionary explanations behind what you and i find attractive—it isn’t arbitrary. Humans may certainly be intelligent animals, but make no mistake: we’re still animals.

What we call “beauty” may not be “skin deep” after all. All species take in physical clues, evaluating one another’s ‘fitness’ for reproduction and, like it or not, we are no different. When a guy hits on your skinny friend, ‘fertility’ may be the last thing on his mind, but SUBCONSCIOUSLY, an elaborate system is calculating the data... from the symmetry of her facial features, to the size of her hips relative to her waist. -Just like how certain tropical birds court mates with the brightest feathers, indicating a lack of parasites, all humans are drawn to physical traits that indicate good genes and good health.

You wouldn’t place a personal ad saying, “I’m looking for a hunchback with a glass eye and a tiny dick,” cos that just doesn’t make evolutionary sense.

Now, obviously, there’s more to the story.

We all know outwardly stunning women who are insecure, vacuous and insane. I’d rather get Conjunctivitis than sit and have a conversation with someone like that. I suspect your friends are right… that you have “inner beauty” and ULTIMATELY, that is what truly matters.

I’ll share something really personal with you right now: I was your age the first time I had sex. The girl was not thin. She was captivating, charming and lovable. She was also short, shy and pasty. It was her kindness, her record collection and her Smiths poster that first turned me on.

So, is there a guy out there for you? Absolutely.  –But your life goal is not to ‘be thin’ to impress ‘that guy’. Your life goal is ‘to experience the best shit that the planet has to offer’ , ‘to make history’, and ‘to live up to your full potential’. You want an obituary that’s 5 pages long.. not 5 words.

If you choose to lose weight, do it for reasons of health, not aesthetics. It will surely improve your quality of life, but it in no way affects your value as a person.

Finally, stop comparing yourself to your friends. Compare yourself, right now, to who you could be at your very best. We ALL have things we need to work on to improve… If your body is your biggest issue, (pun intended) you’re VERY lucky. There’s no diet in the world that can make stupid girls UN-batshit-crazy. 

3) FROM Shana ???? The MAINE (John).

Q: I'm a freshmen in college and I've been really homesick lately. Also, I have been having troubles sleeping for the past couple months. How do you deal with being homesick on the road, and do you have any ideas that might help me sleep?

A (John): Being on the road, or away from home I get homesick often. At first, I had trouble sleeping also. However, I began to do things that helped remind me of home. Putting on music that reminded me of people, or places played a huge roll in seizing the feeling of being homesick. I would also send random texts to those back at home just saying "hello." Just to hear from them is enough to feel more at home. 

There's nothing worse than a case of missing home, but "home is where you make it," as the saying goes.

4) FROM Kat  ????? MAT.

Q: Hi, I was wondering if you know how to get rid of stupid and annoying siblings. 
My sister has a problem: She’s always so fucking bored that all she can think of doing is to walk into my room and annoy me. I am so sick of it ! i can’t lock my door, cus then she stands outside it and yells at me for locking it and that’s pretty annoying too. It won’t work to tell my parent, i´ve tried. And BTW, she said your blog was stupid. (It might seem like she’s 5, but she’s 17) Thanks

A (MAT): First of all your sister wouldn’t know good blogging if it broke in through her window tonight wearing a clown mask, put her in a sack and carried her out to a windowless van… Seriously, I know “people” that can take care of your “problem”. In this economy, you wouldn’t believe what $100 will get you in Koreatown.

Tell her that she’s one tantrum away from waking up in the bottom of an empty well in the woods, surrounded by chicken bones and fingernails. “Brrr I’m so cold.. Owww my head hurts.. What smells like soy sauce?  Why are there fortune cookie crumbs in my hair?”

Short answer: She looks up to you, and she desperately wants your attention. If she were smart, she’d be in her own room reading this blog too, just like you.

"Noblesse oblige" is a French term that literally means, "nobility obligates." You are the wiser and nobler sister; therefore you have a certain responsibility to care for those who are feeble and witless. Look on her, not as an annoying sibling, but as a roadside street urchin outside your English castle gate. She’s the burden you’ve been waiting for… your chance to earn your royal lineage.

The next time she comes into your room, say, ”Oh wonderful.. you’re here! How good of you to come! An invitation was sent to the sewer, but I wasn’t sure that it would find you! Please, have some Orange Blossom tea. Try one of these blueberry scones! They’re in season, darling. Let me look at you.. such a charming little creature. my oh my…What a curious hairstyle! how interesting… how bizarre! I want you to know, that from now on, MY room.. is YOUR room. In Spain, that’s a country, dear, they would say, “Mi Casa, Su casa!” isn’t that delightful?”

Kill her with freaky Elizabethan kindness. I guarantee she’ll be visiting less frequently.

5) FROM Lily   ???? The Maine (Pat Kirch)

Q: This guy keeps giving me mixed messages on whether he wants to go out with me or not. I'm pretty sure he does, but some of his actions are telling no. Everyone knows that I like him and they all say that he likes me too, but I can't help but disagree on the last part. What should I do? Should I just flirt some more and hope he comes along?

A (Pat Kirch): Hi Lilly it sounds to me like he does like you but is afraid to show it. If you really like him you should just be straight forward with him and tell him that you like him. I think he will respond well to you being so honest with him. I hope this helps. I am not to good on this stuff but maybe it will help haha

6) FROM Christina ????MAT

Q: Four years and a baby later, my boyfriend and I are still going strong but things always get weird when the word "marriage" is brought up. The way I was raised, I believe that marriage is one of the vital parts of being a family. He on the other hand, thinks it's just a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was little and his mother's been married 4 (FOUR) times, so I can see why he's having such a hard time with this. It upsets me that he can't understand why marriage is so important to me and he always says we'll get married eventually, but only because he thinks I'll leave him if we don't. Any advice on what we should do?

Also while I have you on here, I have another question regarding sex. It would be understandable if this was happening after baby, but even pre-baby, it's been hard to get him in the sack, haha. I feel like I'm playing the "guy role" sometimes. He never initiates sex and I ALWAYS do and it's starting to be a turn-off for both of us. I either end up feeling like a complete pervert or that he's just not interested in me anymore. He's always so tired...is this normal?

A (MAT): Is it “normal” for a guy to avoid sex with his long-term girlfriend after a while? Kind of… sometimes. Does that mean you should accept it? No.

Something is fundamentally off.

In our society, most adults feel crammed into 1 of 2 categories; Either ‘single/lonely’ or ‘married/bored’ – your boyfriend wants to avoid both. Who could blame him?

2,000 years ago, in the Middle East, when the average life expectancy was 25 years, things were so much simpler. Marriage was a no-brainer. I imagine it was relatively easy to commit to one girl for “the rest of your life”… when “the rest of your life” is, like, next Spring. Also, worst case, if it were to fall apart, you weren’t splitting house payments and taxes and car insurance etc.. you’d just grab your blanket and your camel and get the fuck out.  In a modern world, it’s more complicated. 

I won’t argue for or against the relevancy of marriage itself, because it truly depends on who are and what makes sense to you.

I have a few guesses what’s up.

a) He could be bored. His mom was married 4 times, which means she’s got to be a cougar. If she’s hot, then he must be pretty cute. If he’s pretty cute, then he has other options with other girls. If he has other options, but he’s got you and the new baby, however much he loves you both, he may feel trapped and stressed. 

After years of dating, you both reached the “comfort zone”.. and that’s cool. Most people would kill to have some one with whom they can finally just “be themselves” …watch DVDs, wear dumpy sweatpants and your coke bottle glasses, no make up and chapped lips… That’s amazing. But at the same time, and I don’t care if this sounds vane, EVERYONE in a long-term relationship has an obligation to stay attractive to the other. We all age like shit, and looks inevitably fade, but you have to make an effort to stay physically attractive and mentally stimulating.

I do not believe in unconditional love. I just don’t. I have a very active imagination. Show me an example of unconditional love and I can think of some theoretical way to fuck it up. You can never take someone for granted. As impossible as it may be, you need to get your cute yoga butt back, and pursue cool interests outside of him and your baby.

b) He could be gay. Is he very clean and detail-oriented? Does he work out? Have you seen any charges for Laser Hair Removal on your credit card? Does he own my CD?

c) He could be depressed.

Whether it’s a, b, or c, forget about marriage for a minute. You don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t desire you. A wedding ring will not fix anything.

As parents, you owe it to yourselves and your baby to give Marriage/Couples Counseling a shot. Get everything out in the open. Hopefully, there’s a simple explanation for why he’s been sexually distant. It could be something laughably small, and you guys will work it out. Be open and willing to hurt each other’s feelings to get at the core issues… Most happy couples say that “laughter and communication” are the keys to longevity. I imagine Scotch and Xanax are on that list too.

7) FROM Joanne ??????? THE MAINE (Garrett)

Q: Best and worst pick-up lines? Or, if you don't like that question: What's your favourite song of all time?

A (Garrett): I can answer both for you!! The best pick up line I've heard would have to be, "Are you from Nashville? Cause you’re the only Ten I See." Worst: "You’re exactly like my sister.."

My favorite song of all time would have to be Ryan Adam's "The Shadowlands" from his record, "Love Is Hell" (that also happens to be my favorite record of all time.)

8) FROM Sarah ????MAT

Q: I'm currently completing my senior year at high school, but things aren't going so well. I'm a Muslim girl and am often labeled as a 'terrorist'. I am often called mean names and told to 'go back to my country'. People always stare at me, like they’re better than me. How do I let them know that I'm just like them, without starting any fights?

A (MAT): I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s disturbing that people are still so ignorant.

A few words that might be some small consolation

-People are scared of what they don’t understand, and we Americans are particularly narrow-minded. Geographically we’re pretty insulated, and the heads of Media have always capitalized on our fears to reinforce negative stereotypes. I understand a degree of Nationalism, but unchecked, it can be dangerous. Back when I was a kid, we were brainwashed to fear Russians!

-You can't change them, and you don't want them as friends.

-I get called a “fag” literally every day on tour by someone in a passing car. All my bandmates and friends do. At first, you feel a little bummed out and embarrassed for yourself. Then, after a while, you’ll cringe in embarrassment for THEM. Next will come a time when you just don’t notice anymore at all. -and ultimately, you’ll reach the stage where it just makes you laugh. -As if you’re watching it in a bad movie. 3^rd person perspective living.

-High School is such a small pond. As you get older you’ll mover to bigger, more diverse place.

-As for the “terrorist” comment… that word seems particularly subjective, considering we are all sons and daughters of revolutionaries.

-Do NOT let any of them discourage you from achieving what you want to.

Here’s an old excerpt from my diary that you might relate to:

(cont. spring 2007) …So I get to this tiny industrial town and I start wandering. Nothing but desolation… Bombed-out churches, scattered dilapidated homes… I walk by a sad, pathetic tavern. There’s a tall man outside who watches me pass, and then makes a derogatory remark about my appearance. As always, I’d have kept on walking, but this ONE time I’m compelled to stop… so struck was I by the flagrant absurdity and injustice of the scenario. I felt unnaturally short-tempered and ballsy. 

I say something like, “Sir, I’ve traveled around the world, and I’ve seen a lot of shitholes. –but this is THE  SHITIEST shithole I’ve ever been in. This town has absolutely NOTHING to offer. -An outsider shows up under random circumstances and, being a genius, you decide the best move is to mock me? Are you INSANE? You should be begging me…literally BEGGING ME for stories of the outside world.

I’m an Outsider... a complete stranger…You don’t know ANYTHING about me… but you’ve already shown your hand. I know you LIVE in this shithole, and I know you’ll DIE in this shithole. I don’t even know the NAME of this shithole and I don’t need to. I just know 3 things. 1. it’s about an hour from Pittsburg  2. It looks and smells like Afghanistan, and 3. I’m never coming back.  -And thanks to your bullshit comment, we both just missed a rare opportunity to learn something new from eachother.

Now, I’ll forget all about your janky ass about 5 minutes after telling my friends this story, but you’ll remember this faggot for a long time… The One That Talked Back. Well, good luck in the afterlife I guess. I’m gonna go pee on a building and play a show.”

9) FROM Dom ????The Maine (Jared):

Q: What do YOU guys think killed the dinosaurs?

Q: If you had the opportunity to visit any planet/place in the galaxy other than Earth, where would you visit?

Q: If you had to choose between lollipops and gummi bears, which would you choose and why?

A (Jared): Thousands of years ago Lord Gilgamesh traveled through Earth's atmosphere using his advanced telekinetic power. He wiped darkness across the skies and attempted to extinguish all life on our precious planet... Actually it was probably just a giant piece of flaming space rock that collided with our planet. Scary stuff.

If I could travel to anywhere in our galaxy, I would try to find a black hole. Black holes are rock and roll.

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Raccoon Society-- Ask Mat--- ROUND 13

Posted on November 4, 2009 at 05:30 AM

Click HERE to follow Mat on Twitter.  Click HERE to follow Kill Hannah on Twitter.

Happy Halloween weekend and welcome to another week in The Raccoon Society!

Eating: Whopper jr, Adderall

Drinking: Sea urchin shooters, Lodge Hill Shiraz, green tea, Franziskaner

Watching: Flash Forward on Hulu. Episodes 3-6

Reading: Everything I can about General Douglas MacArthur and T. Boone Pickens

Listening to: NPR, Howard Stern, Paper Route, Shiny Toy Guns: Ghosttown

“HOME SWEET COMA”

5:48 AM.

I’m writing to you from Chicago. –quick stop on our way to Minneapolis… Purple Rain country. I can’t possibly overstate the thrill of collapsing lifelessly in my own couch after weeks of touring. They’ll need an Adrenaline shot through my sternum, Pulp Fiction style, to wake up this raccoon. We leave again tomorrow, so I have to make this count.

Sandman catch me with an uppercut. Round 1 K.O.

Zzzzzzzz light drool. Random Eye Movement. 

tick tock 4 hrs later…Ok I’m back! Re-animated like Nosferatu. Same posture too. Had amazing lucid dream of skydiving at night. Adding it to my bucket list now. I keep two ongoing lists, my Bucket List (rare things I must experience, eg: pitch to my dad on Wrigley Field, etc…) and my Fuckit List (rare things I must never do again, eg: drunk texting record label presidents, etc…)

We are still on tour with Papa Roach and Jet, who are from Sydney… Interestingly, while for Raccoons, every day feels like Halloween, in Australia, it isn’t a very popular holiday. -when I was put on the spot to explain its meaning and origin, it became evident just how preposterous it must seem to a visitor…

“well, you see….. Ministry has this song about it.. and… um.. I believe it’s secular, pagan.. or something.. it should be called National Slut day, because it’s basically an annual excuse for girls to look like prostitutes.. Horror films play on TV, Detroit burns to the ground and kids stumble around begging strangers for candy.. you have to check the chocolate for razorblades sometimes.”

Why must Halloween be the only day when people ride bikes at night wearing capes? I used to do that ALLL the time. That was my thing. I miss those halcyon suburban days.

We performed in Lansing, MI where my pre-show costume was Garbagehead; Prince of the Landfill, a fictional, eco-friendly, recession-ista character inspired by life on the road. I wore a poncho made of bubble rap, and taped as much garbage as I could find… The first of my breed to “walk among the bathers.”  We looked sharp and evil when we hit the stage.. covered “Just Like Heaven” AKA: Greatest pop song ever written.

The night prior, Elias returned from the theatre griping, “Screw Paranormal Activity… if you really want to scare me, just show the band’s American Express statement on the screen for an hour and a half…”

Made me pause to reflect on the things that truly scare me… so I just started rambling:

Mustaches, clowns, childbirth, blood drives, our KH review in Alternative Press… let me think… ok. It scares me that, in 2009, with the Hubble Telescope, we have the technology to literally see BILLIONS of years into the PAST, yet T-mobile still can’t forward my texts to England. It scares me that it’s 2009, and some people still don’t support gay marriage, pot is still illegal, and I still can’t video conference on my Mac. Let’s see… hospitals, aging, watching as the small patch of hair on my chest seems to be expanding like the borders fucking Persian Empire every year… let’s see… the emergence of a bureaucratic collectivist one-world government (New World Order)… -That a powerful and secretive elite is conspiring for eventual global domination and that I’m not IN that group… but my number one fear.. still… as always and forever… Boredom.”

<<<<JOIN ME next week as my guest host(s) will be all the members of the band THE MAINE. This is a unique opportunity for you to ask your Warped Tour faves anything you want. I’ve never had an entire band guest host before, and I’m psyched to see how their minds will work collectively to give you the best advice you could ever receive. Remember, NOTHING is off limits…. To submit a question, just CLICK HERE and put either “????MAT” or “????theMAINE” in the header of your COMMENT.>>>>

All the dilemmas caught my attention this week. i answered a handful.

(Again, keep them coming. I’m touched by all the submissions. I’m so proud of how we’ve built this solid community together)

Here we go again....

1) FROM Karressa

Q: ????MAT, So me and my boyfriend of 2.5 years are having a lot of problems right now and it's been going on for a while. I don't really know what to do anymore. i love him with all my heart, i just don’t know where things are gonna go and i don't want it to end up bad. We're just always pissed off or something and we always fight. We usually can't even have a normal conversation without one of us getting pissed of and shit getting out of control. I'm just really tired of it and me being mad about us all the time is making me get mad at other people that have nothing to do with it. Which isn't good at all. So can you just give me some advice and help me out with some things we or I could do to make it better. This may be kind of a stupid question cause we're just teenagers but i just need someone to help me out.

A: Karressa, your question is giving me hives.

These days, almost everyone is in a relationship that’s “complicated.” (Eg: too incomplete to warrant a formal commitment, yet too good to abandon.)

Sometimes, however, the decision to break up becomes self-evident by asking yourself this very simple question: Does your partner ADD stress to your life, or REMOVE stress from it? Your situation classically characterizes the former.

There are certain compromises we all make in relationships, but when BFs and GFs fight all the time, that’s just trashy and embarrassing. Sid and Nancy got away with it ‘cos they were famous, on heroin, and he had a badass British accent. But although their tragic romance remains immortalized in punk lore, by all accounts they were annoying as fuck to be around. Ultimately she was found stabbed to death in Chelsea Hotel. I don’t know, but there may be a lesson for you in there. Style icons? yes. Role models? no.

Explain to your BF that teen romance is supposed to be fun, and that his drama is giving you pimples. Tell him that you will always love him, but that you need time apart to see if you’d both be happier. A separation on honest, respectful terms is much cooler than enduring until a more compatible boy enters the picture—that will be an entirely different kind of nightmare.

Note: extra points if you breakup without mentioning my name or this blog. The last thing I need is ANOTHER dude who wants to kill me. Kidding. Kinda.

2) FROM Kimberly Raines

????Mat: So I'm in one of those cliché’ families in which the mom believes that rock music is a gift brought from Satan himself. To continue the cliché’, I am absolutely in love with rock music. It's my inspiration and the reason I live, not to mention I want to be a rock music journalist when I grow up. I always end up having to hide my CDs in some random secret passageway in my house, and I sneak out to go to concerts. After a while, it starts to get REALLY tiring. Is there any way to convince my mom that rock music isn't Satanic?

I feel ignited by this question. I’m gona ramble...

We were touring in the UK last year, as My Chemical Romance was being attacked and blamed in the press for an “emo” girl’s suicide. It was a blatant witch-hunt and totally infuriated me. How could such a virtuous band be so misunderstood? I’m starting to see.

First, I’m incredibly jealous that there are “secret passageways” in your house.

Nietzsche said, “Without music, life would be a mistake.” If music truly is your reason for living, then you’re in good company. As an aspiring journalist, be sure to read Critic As Artist by Oscar Wilde and also Let It Blurt: The Life and Times of Lester Bangs. Lester should be your hero!

Sorry to hear about your controlling mom.

It’s hard enough for musicians to survive these days… -and now one of OUR fans is forbidden to buy our album? This is an outrage.

Seriously. It’s one thing if your parents can’t relate to you, but your mom’s policy assumes that you are incapable of making decisions for yourself. –that you would blindly obey anything that you hear. I hope you’re as insulted as I am.

Rock music is corrupting kids?  I hope so… a little bit. During my Godson’s baptism, I was asked, “Do you reject Satan and the temptation of Evil?” My answer was, “Uhh. Can I buy a vowel?”

I couldn’t reject Satan any more than I could reject The Green Goblin or The Headless Horseman. 

Listen, if it’s corruption that your mom wants to prevent, speaking as someone who spent 8 years in Catholic School where 4 of my classmates where molested by priests, I can conclusively say that she should redirect her efforts. After all the hypocrisy I’ve witnessed, I refuse to allow any organization to claim moral authority over me or our fans.

Let’s talk about the Middle Ages:

That’s where your mother lives. Crusades, Inquisitions, excellent fashion, thrilling sporting events… but IDIOTIC superstitions.

You know the saying “Guns don’t kill people, guys with mustaches do.“ ? That’s how I feel about religion. Undersexed, miserable people like your mom ruin it. Religion itself is not inherently crazy. We’d all love answers to the unanswerable. I get it. Here we are, floating in space. It’s a terrifying mystery where we go from here. Everyone deserves the inalienable right to believe anything he/she wants. Faith is a good thing. -just don’t confuse it with fact. No one KNOWS what happens when we die, and anyone who claims to know is, at best, unhinged, at worst, very dangerous.

I can understand your mom’s INTEREST in what you listen to. According to The Emerging Generation, the average teenager consumes 6 hours a day of rock music… but I cannot understand, nor will I tolerate, her notion that it’s harmful to you.

There’s obviously a wide range of ‘rock’ music. I’m assuming she’s concerned more with Cannibal Corpse than Buddy Holly, but I don’t make any distinction. They’re equally benign.

The MOST “Satanic” band I can think of is Dimmu Borgir, (check out Lepers Among Us, Death Cult Armageddon) but get this: they have a MYSPACE page. Ok? Hello. I mean, seriously. How does your mom imagine their personal lives? “Thursday: Cavorted with Lucifer, robbed some graves, drank some blood. Friday: Comcast finally hooked up the Ethernet.” 

It’s flattering for her to think that we rock musicians are somehow entitled to be vehicles for a God. Believe me, I’d let you know. I WISH Satan existed.. I really, really do. On certain days I could use some help writing songs.

I do agree with your mom on two things.

1.    Some music SHOULD be banned.. for sucking. (see The Spin Doctors or the entire Hootie and the Blowfish catalog)

2.    Music can have an incredible impact on peoples lives. In times of crisis, when I felt unloved and alone, when others would turn to prayer, I’d put my headphones on.

As for what you can do to convince her… maybe take her archaic principles to the next level… to show her how absurd it all is...

Burn all her romance novels and proclaim, “This is godless smut! There will be no heretics under my roof!”

Throw her TV Guide in the garbage and say, “There will be no blasphemous images of sex in this house! Dancing with the Stars is Satanic!” (although that one may actually be true)

As a backup, I’m always a fan of open, adult conversation. A difference of opinion and can lead to a healthy, non-argumentative debate. Such a convo would force her to defend her position.. and in doing so, expose the flaws in her logic. She’s likely the product of a country and generation that emphasized loyalty to your religious heritage over independent rational thought and self-expression. Be sensitive to that. Depending on her age, rewiring might be too painful to bear. You reach a point where the values you’ve established throughout your life are like a warm blanket.. even if they are wrong. Hopefully she isn’t brainwashed beyond repair. 

I even took the time to write you some Cliff's Notes for that convo:

1. Economics: What’s a band’s financial incentive to influence their fans to do bad things? If the power of suggestion in music is so overwhelming, wouldn’t it make more sense for a band to suggest that fans buy more albums? If I wrote a song called “Buy 20 Copies of Our Album Every Day,” would it work? Discuss.

2. Many of today’s largest religions have a great deal of gravity, not necessarily because of the validity of their claims, but because of a momentum gathered over thousands of years of history. Many religions predate the human invention of Satan: Hinduism, Zoroastrianism, Chinese Shamanism, Aboriginal Animism, etc… Are all religions equally legitimate and equally ridiculous? What makes one religion superior to another?

3. Ancient Mayans believed in an Underworld, and that human sacrifice could appease the gods and end a drought. Is that any more insane than what you believe? Discuss.

4. Anthony Comstock (1844-1915), was the founder of the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice. Is he a villain or hero? Discuss.

5. Some people may claim that it is arrogant and narcissistic for one to believe that an all-powerful deity, who created the universe and bends time and space, could possibly have an interest in what CD your daughter listens to. How would you respond?

6. If indeed rock music is Satanic, then what else is?

Is Sex? Is beauty? Is Food? Is all pleasure? Where is the line, and who is authorized to draw it? Discuss.

7. What do Joan of Arc, Beethoven, Wagner, The Doors and Kieth Richards all have in common? All were considered “Satanic” at one time in history. Clearly the definition of Good and Evil in established religions has evolved over the past 2000 years. Might it continue to evolve further? Discuss.

8. In the SciFi novel, 1984, George Orwell paints a vision of a Totalitarian society in the future wherein all behavior and thoughts are censored and monitored by Big Brother. All individuality is condemned, punished, and ultimately erased. Does this sound familiar to you? Discuss.

9. If Satan is truly responsible for bad metal, why would he choose to spend so much of the mid 1990’s in Southern Florida?

10. Do you believe in personal responsibility? Why or why not?

11. If rock music is a cause of violence and immoral behavior, might we expect serial killers across the nation to have similar CD collections?

Listen, I know how much effort, talent, time and money my favorite bands and contemporaries put into their songs. I know how much thought and care go into creating albums with a deep purpose and positive message… albums that heal.. albums that give hope.

I won’t sit back when people like your mother dismiss all that good will,  energy, and generosity as ‘Satanic.’

This is nuts. What year is this? I feel like Kevin Bacon in Footloose here.

ANYWAY, you’re gonna be fine. I have a lot of friends who have survived tyrannical mothers. At the very least, make her a bargain: If you keep your grades up, you can keep the volume up.

 

3) FROM: Misha Collins:

????MAT: For 29 years I've considered myself as straight as they come. I've dated several men, been engaged, even chased a guy in a band or two. Then I met this girl a few months ago. We became friends right away. She's artistic, funny, intelligent, gorgeous and fun to be around. The more time I spend with her and the closer weve gotten, I think I may be falling in love with her. Now all of a sudden I am noticing I find other girls attractive too when I never did before. I thought we were supposed to figure this out as teenagers! I don't know if I'm gay and I've been fooling myself all along, or if I've just gone crazy or something. I'm afraid to talk to anyone I know about this because I don't want them to freak out or judge me. Do you think we can go through a "phase" at our age? Or does this have a chance to be for real? What should I do? Misha P.S. Fuck AP.

Thank you, Misha, for making me believe in a God again. This must be the sign I’ve been looking for!

Benjamin Franklin is famously quoted as having said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  Now, I appreciate a cold libation as much as the next American, but had Benji met you and your friend, I seriously doubt that Laager would have been his foremost example of divine intervention.

So, you’re telling me that somewhere out there, 2 cute straight girls are crossing paths at the same time, in the same experimental pseudo-lesbian phase? Neither of you wear gas station pants and have stretched earlobes? Congratulations, you are the personification of the ideal male fantasy. I suppose this is like seeing a Snow Leopard in the Himalayas. Like, statistically, we know they are out there, but they’ve evaded capture for decades. Locals call them ‘Ghost Cats’.

The short answer is, YES. It is a phase. Even at 29.

Women in particular, have a very strong link between the physical and psychological. Every girl on the planet has entertained the idea of being in a same-sex relationship. It’s easy to romanticize, and once you open yourself up to it, you see it everywhere.

The attraction you feel is very real, and your connection with this girl may be continually reinforced over time, but rest assured; you will go back to men at some point. That doesn’t mean that this is not worth exploring.

Sad as this sound, people thrive on gossip and unsubstantiated drama, so I’d hold off like 3 weeks on any sort of grand press release about your new hook up… give yourself a little time to feel it out.

If it’s still solid, and you’re both happy, then by all means, trust what you feel and fuck anyone else who has an issue with it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, your openness towards your new ‘phase’ is a ray of light in an otherwise bleak Siberian landscape of repressed sexuality and narrow stereotyping.

 

4) FROM Saline

????MAT: I’m 26 and in a happy relationship. One issue though, is that I get really self-conscious about my boyfriend going down on me. I’ve never achieved an orgasm from cunnilingus, and he wants me to really badly. It feels great and I love that it turns him on, but I just hit a wall when it gets too intense. How do I get over my nervousness? 

I’m actually in the midst of compiling the ultimate list of pros’ and cons to being male or female. I want to determine whether or not our species has been designed to favor a certain gender. (Guys go bald vs. girls get fat. guys die younger vs. girls endure child labor, etc…) In the course of this casual and unscientific study, I hit upon one big “con” to being a female:

They are cursed with wildly volatile body chemistries. At any moment in time, a multitude of factors (age, time of month, medication, diet, stress, hormones, etc…) can affect her taste and odor. All it takes is one insensitive guy, at any point in her life to make an unflattering remark, and she’ll feel like a monster for a very long time.

Sadly, even the most gorgeous girls in the world feel ashamed of certain aspects of their bodies. 

That said, most women would kill to have your problem. If this BF is someone you trust and with whom you feel comfortable and safe, then send him the bat signal tonight. Landscape your business, spritz up with some of that awesome Chinese kiwi / Parrot Tulip Victoria’s Secret Parfum Spray shit, put on your newly pirated KH album (which Alternative Press rated a disappointing 3/5 stars), chug a good glass of Riesling and go for it.

Note: make sure your iPod is NOT on shuffle. Learn from me: Nothing ruins a mood more than a jarring and ill-timed dose of Wild Thang by Ton Loc.

5) FROM Brooke Irby

????hey MAT!
ok so my boy friend, brother, and dad are all in afghanistan. do u have any advice on coping with the struggle of having 3 people close to your heart, oceans apart? i am on the virge of a breakdown, cuz i dont know how to survive without them. i sit and listen to MCR all day. my bf is a huge fan of kill hannah. i know i sound crazy and stupid, but i cant stand not being with out them. i am in the US marines, and life is tough with out them. im 19 and i cant survive on my own. can you help me? i need some advice!

I hope you are all starting to have a little more of an appreciation for the sacrifice that the men and women of our Armed Forces endure on a daily basis.

Brooke, I feel the pain of your abandonment. On a certain level I can empathize, because every time we leave on tour, we all leave friends, family and lovers behind. We’ve been on the road, around the world, nonstop for the past 7 years, so I know that helplessness and emptiness. Sometimes when I see the Chicago skyline fade into the horizon, I feel like a 10yr old kid on my way to camp for the first time. It can be scary.

I’m sure you are already communicating with them as often as you can, via letters and phone and vid conferencing.  Beyond that, all I can say is, this is your destiny. This is the real shit. This is the deep water. Your dad and brother and BF made a courageous choice to risk their lives for the sake of the country. They’re being brave soldiers, beyond anything I can comprehend… and now you have to do the same.

Rest assured, you will be with them again, and normalsy will return to your lives. Just know that this trial of strength and endurance, on all involved, will form an unbreakable bond with your loved ones that you may not have had otherwise.

I don’t know how you feel about this, but I can imagine you with a tattoo of a bold word like ‘sacrifice’ or ‘vigilance’ because, Brooke, you’re about to earn it.

I believe there comes a defining moment in all adult’s lives when the universe chooses to test their mettle. –A time to ‘walk the walk’.  This is your time. Embrace it. Honor the choices that the men in your life have made… realize that this is THEIR time to fulfill THEIR destiny… be proud of them, and be proud of yourself.

I’m happy that you already listen to MCR and KH… Your homework is to download the new 30STM song “Kings and Queens” -

6) >>>>>>>>>>>

I want to leave you guys with a Chat Room convo I had last night with a customer service rep at some lame promo company.

For a quote, enter chat with one of our operators!

<You>: In need of assistance. (Conversation directed to any operator).

Searching for an operator, please stand by.

<You>: helo

<Kevin>:  Thank you for stopping by the Livechat, how may I help you?

<You>: can i get a quick quote pls

<Kevin>:  Hello!

<Kevin>:  I sincerely apologize about the inconvenience, as much as I would like to provide you with support for your question unfortunately I can not do so, because I do not have access to Custom Order's Database. I request you to send email to custom@memorysuppliers.com and they will help you in this regard.

<You>: wow. thats helpful!

<Kevin>:  Is there anything else that I could help you with?

<You>: what’s the point of this? Not life, but this chat.

<Kevin>:  I am sorry, I do not have access to Custom Order's Database.

<You>: can you tell me roughly what 1GB memory sticks cost in bulk

<You>: for 400

<You>: roughly.. the cheapest ones

<Kevin>:  I am sorry, I do not have access to Custom Order's Database. I request you to send email to custom@memorysuppliers.com and they will help you in this regard.

<You>: are you a human?

<Kevin>:  I am real person.

<Kevin>:  I apologize for the inconvenience caused.

<You>: as a human being, what is your best guess for what the cheapest 1gig memory stick costs in bulk

<You>: just one human to another

<Kevin>:  You can call our custom sales team toll-free at 800-979-9707 (Mon-Fri 8am - 6pm CST) Option 2 and they will help you in the quote.

<You>: can i ask you a couple things.. just to verify that you are human

<Kevin>:  I can help you in finding the compatible memory and hard drive for your computer.

<You>: ok cool... but i can’t tell you what computer I have until i trust that you are human.

<Kevin>:  I am a real person

<You>: just please… I’m a valued customer.. I just need to confirm your existence.. take 3 seconds.

<You>: Have you ever been to McDonalds?

<Kevin>:  yes

<You>: have you ever eaten a Big Mac?

<Kevin>:  yes

<You>: was it delicious?

<Kevin>:  it was.

<You> ok cool... so if I ask you, roughly, how much a hamburger costs, you’d be able to tell me

<Kevin>:  yes

<You>: even without a Custom Order’s Database?

<Kevin>:  yes

<You>: ok cool... how much, roughly would a 1GB memory stick cost in bulk?

<Kevin>:  Thank you for visiting. Please contact us at anytime.

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