A Dream Comes True For One Lucky Raccoon ; Perks of Being a Wallflower

Posted on December 1, 2009 at 04:56 AM

Reading: A Hero of Our Time by Mikhail Lermontov (marvelous), Video treatments for New York City Speed. The Portable Atheist by Christopher Hitchens

Listening to: Chapterhouse Whirlpool, Depeche Mode Songs of Faith and Devotion

Eating: my rainy day remedy…Lobster club sandwich, tomato soup, Hydrocodone  

Drinking: Ginger Green tea, Provenance Cabernet

Watching: Training Day special features

Youtube: Historic skateboard tricks I and II, Spike Jonze behind the scenes, bass eats mouse

I don’t necessarily believe in omens, but this is the third time I’ve seen a pigeon eating frozen puke off the sidewalk, and I’m starting to question the basics.

Suddenly it’s THAT time of year again in Chicago... when the gods toss a dark grey blanket of shit over the city for 4 cruel, cold months… when the glistening skyscrapers turn into towering gravestones…when the cold air caves in, and to look straight up at the swirling doomsday clouds, you’d swear you’re at the bottom of the Caspian sea.

Our tour documentarian once asked a girl outside our show, “So, do your Mormon parents think you’re going to hell?” to which she replied, “No, we’re already there.”

Everyone suddenly gets depressed. Psychologists call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. (S.A.D.) and I’m it's poster child. –I’m tempted to print a T-shirt: “What doesn’t kill you, only bores you.” 

 

If nothing else, this weather tests your artistic spirit. -and in that sense, it’s actually inspirational. I’ve been writing daily on the piano, and we’re doing a ton of prep for the New Heart For Xmas 7 weekend.. coming up in 2 weeks. Those shows will be monumental. (click HERE for info)

I hope all you American Raccoons had a festive Thanksgiving… I was thankful that I no longer had that Third Eye Blind song in my head. You know the one? “Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend...” I swear to GOD I’d rather stick my dick in a termite nest than hear that song ever again.

I’m also thankful that I’m not this guy.   

Or this guy. 

<<<I'm giving everyone another week to get in your questions. My guests are We the Kings. Just CLICK HERE and put either "????WETHEKINGS"  or  "????MAT" as the subject of your COMMENT. Nothing is off limits! >>>> 

In the meantime, I’d like to leave you with something very special:

Last week, a Raccoon named Samantha posted a heartfelt story…-a grim portrait of her life under the regime of a tyrannical dickhead mom, and a plea for help. In it she also mentioned one of my favorite books of all time, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

Stephen is a titanic talent and a cult hero. His ability to realistically capture the drama, humor, romance and angst of youth, is the reason why top critics have called him “the J.D. Salinger of our generation.”  He’s also a friend, so I thought it’d be interesting to send Samantha’s question to him directly. Generously, he responded with a deep, sensitive letter of encouragement. Rather than paraphrase, I’ve reprinted almost all of his email below:

 

SAMANTHA WRITES:
Mat, I read another person’s question saying that their mother did not allow them to listen to certain music. My mother is the same. I've tried desperately to have healthy conversations with her when the subject comes up, but it usually ends with her screaming at me that I'm a “mistake”.

I love music. It’s what keeps me hopeful through all the pain in my life, and yet I have to secretly smuggle it into my room. -And it’s not just music. I'm also not allowed to leave the house, hang with friends, read most books or even to visit the library. I wanted to read The Perks of Being A Wallflower and again she yelled at me for it.

She sees everything as “satanic” or “evil”. To make things worse, she finds it much easier to scream and hit me than anything else. I know I'm not a good enough daughter, despite my efforts, but I still can't take it anymore. I hoped she would understand especially since she's a social worker.. I'm suffocating from my home life. I don't know how much more I can handle. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have...

STEPHEN WRITES:

Hey Mat,

     Thank you for forwarding this email to me.  I have spent the last 15 minutes trying to craft a response, but every road I take leads to another dead end.  Truth is, it seems like this poor girl is being abused by her mother, but it's so hard to say for sure when we are only hearing one side of it.

     Hitting her?  Calling her a mistake?  Everything is satanic?  She's not allowed to go to a library?  And... her mother is a social worker.  I honestly don't know what to make of it.  It seems like a very sad and tragic mess.

     For what it's worth... if I were to sit down with the girl, I would tell her is that she is not alone.  So many kids get hit.  So many kids are told hurtful things like they're a “mistake.”  -Millions actually.  The problem is that too often, such abuse makes people feel like they're the only ones experiencing it.  Because they feel so alone, they reach out to someone on the internet instead of a friend, a teacher, or a social worker (who's not their mother), who might be able to get in there and help them. 

     So, in the end, I'd tell the girl to reach out to someone in her actual life who can help make sense of this awful situation.  If she's unwilling or unable to do that, all you can do is tell her that there is hope... with time.  She will turn 18.  She will get out of there.  And the more she makes it a habit of saying that her mother is wrong to call her a mistake.  The more she tells herself that she doesn't deserve to get hit.  The better she will be when she does get free of that house.

     With all that said, I will offer one thing.  If she is not allowed to go to the library, but she wants to read my book... I will gladly send her a personalized autographed copy.  All she needs to do is give you her full name and her school's address or a friend's family's address or somewhere where she knows she'll get the book.  I would do that for the poor girl in a heartbeat.  Anything to give her a little hope and let her know that strangers can care.

     So, let me know if that will help, buddy.  And good luck with this girl.  If you think any piece of what I'm saying to you will help her, feel free to pass it along.  I just can't write to her directly.  It fucks me up too much.  I take way too much of it on.  I hope you understand.  Thanks man.

Steve

THANK YOU, STEPHEN!

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Raccoon Society-- Ask Mat--- ROUND 15 with AMANDA PALMER

Posted on November 24, 2009 at 04:49 AM

Listening to: YYY Head Will Roll remix, Jay-Z Empire State of Mind, Bullet For My Valentine Tears Don’t Fall, RIDE In a Different Place, NPR

Drinking: Oyster sake shooters, Il Pino Super Tuscan, Naked Protein Zone

Reading: Everybody Was So Young, Esquire mag

Youtube: Gallows Misery, 30 Seconds to Mars Kings and Queens

Watching: Pre-screening of The Road, Survivorman in the Kalahari, Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This morning a wonderful thing occurred.

As I cautiously crouched into my bath, I was dumbstruck by the temperature of the rosewater… it was IDEAL. Now, I’ve had good baths before, but this was…gasp… PERFECTION. “My word…”, I whispered as I submerged further. “In all my years…”

Without hesitation I called out for my trusted Cambodian footman. “Ponlok! Fetch the Thermal Meter at once! Make haste, God damn you, before a degree is lost!! We must take a reading!”

The Eunuch guards stood motionless as always. But I sensed that they were swept up in the moment as well.

“Ponlok! Where are you?! This water is sublime! I will forever insist that every bath from this day forward be drawn to this precise temperature!”

I wriggled my long monkey toes in delight.

“Tick tock! Tick tock! GOOD GOD, Ponlok!! You are slow as the day is long!”

I tried to compose myself. “Ponlok, you have served my family well, for generations… That much is true. You have been my loving Sherpa since childhood. Granted. Your swordsmanship is without equal. On our exotic travels you have saved my hide from bandit, avalanche and safari game alike. For decades, nobly, you have held secrets about my private affairs, for which Scotland Yard would pay most handsomely… this is all true, my dear friend... -but ON MY CROWN I will whip you like a TURKISH WHORE if you do not TAKE MEASURMENT OF THIS GLORIOUS BATHWATER!!!“

-Then a flash of bright light.  Jolted, I open my eyes to find that I’m not in a royal bathing house at all. I’m sitting on the L train in Chicago. A construction worker and a Japanese family are staring at me with great concern. My hands are not in rosewater. They are in my lap and covered with a very warm frothy white chocolate latte that must’ve spilled when i dozed off.

This is it. I OFFICIALLY need to start sleeping at night.

------------------------------------------------------

Here in Chicago, off tour, nothing has slowed down.

I’m still a little emotionally scarred from something I witnessed in NYC last week.

4am Monday I found myself at The Box, a chic private burlesque nightspot. Now, normally, I like surprises, but almost never when I’m high.

This particular night featured a famous nude Hermaphrodite posing on stage (surprise #1). Ok. I stood watching, tracing shapes in the condensation on my glass, nodding slowly to the Motown… watching with a calm, medical intrigue, until the finale’… -when he/she removed a 14” pink dildo from his/her rectum, caressed and kissed it (big surprise #2).

The curtain dropped to earsplitting applause, tho to me it sounded distant and foggy. Evidently I was already in my emotional safe place. 

Now, I don’t know how long I stood there staring at that closed curtain, but I do know that my first words were, “I’m definitely flying home tomorrow.”

Each day gets a little easier.

As always, your brilliant questions are getting more perplexing every week. Keep them coming! I truly wish I could get to them all. Here are a couple short responses to some:

Ozzie/Mousie: we r looking into that tour… fingers crossed.

Hannah from KHK in Manchester: keep jumping into fountains.

Jen: thank you for the touching words. Never waste a single day of perfect cut-off-gloves autumn weather.

Laika: You’re only 18. Move on or he will drag u down.

Naz: Try Hypnotherapy

Samantha: Sorry your mom is sinister. Stay strong.

Shelby Lund: Take it day by day… the future matters

Katrine from Denmark and Andria: Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up.

Mimmi: We will come back to Finland soon

Sara: Try Urban Exploration; keep a log of your expeditions

Majo: Marriages are more complicated than you or i can understand, but it seems ok to be mad at your father and his skeez for a long time. he owes you and your sis an explanation. more later...

Aja: Stay in school

Maya: I’m not qualified to determine if yours is a “Sexual Addiction” or just a VERY heightened sex drive… but we should probably work together on this one. j/k. To your 2^nd question, YES of course, sleeping with the entire band would make you a slut.

A massive THANK YOU to AMANDA PALMER for being a part of this week’s edition. It’s a rare gift to befriend a contemporary artist who inspires you, and I’m sure we will be co-conspirators for a long time. You can hear her sing on our song Living in Misery, and as you’ll see below, she’s much more than just a great musician and vocalist; She’s a fascinating, independent mogul who cares a lot about her fans.

THANK YOU also to the AFP fans who contributed this week. You are always welcome here in the Raccoon Society.

<<<Join me NEXT WEEK when my guests will be WE THE KINGS. Go ahead, address a question to either of us right now! Just CLICK HERE and put either ????WETHEKINGS  or  ????MAT as the subject of your COMMENT. Nothing is off limits! >>>>

Ok here we go

1. KATIE writes:

AMANDA, I dated my ex-boyfriend for three years. We had an intense, reckless, passionate relationship, and I moved cross-country at the age of 19 to be with him. We've been broken up for three years, and despite the negative nature of our co-dependent relationship, and his emotional abusiveness, I haven't been able to get over him. I want to be in a happy, healthy, relationship, but I just can't seem to reproduce this passion with any of the men I meet. None of them make me feel the way he did. How do I move on and find love again?

AMANDA writes:

here's the thing: no two relationships will ever be remotely the same. you can't compare and contrast too much; you'll get in terrible trouble. i was in love, deeply in love, with my first boyfriend and we were together, off and on, for about three years. i then spent a good SEVEN years after that being totally hung up on him. i had a few other relationships in the menwhile, but it took THAT LONG to really come to terms with the fact that it was over, over, over.

part of it was realizing this: love, the good part, doesn't die. it does fade, but you don't ever have to give up one love for another. you're allowed to create a proverbial shrine in your life somewhere to that relationship, it's feelings, it's private jokes, it's love and it's goods and bads and put them all on a shelf that you can visit.

people and relationships are waaaaaaay too complicated. you can't just hop from relationship a to relationship b and say "that's over. now this." if you can, there's actually something wrong. it's like a death. you need time to mourn it and adjust. time is key. it's a cliche, but it's true. just takes time and wounds start to slowly scar over without much help from you, as long as you're taking care of yourself. giving yourself permission to stay in love with your old relationships (and by that i mean the Relationship, not the necessarily the Person) has always been helpful for me.

i still really love everybody i've ever loved....i can't help it. so go ahead and wait it out. be open and honest with people you're with and don't go too fast and don't say things you don't really mean. eventually shit will work itself out, promise. 

2. ARIENETTE writes:

MAT, Have you ever stood next to a microwave for too long? That’s what my house feels like right now. Pure, concentrated sickness.

My sister makes my life hell. yelling at me, insulting to the point of tears and physically beating me. She's not only a sister to me, we spent years as 'best friends' and now... God, i don’t even know Mat, she scares me to death.
Trivial things, like the TV remote or getting the mail or just a casual conversation can turn into a fight. 
She pulls my hair and hits me while yelling horrible things in my ear.
ALWAYS after she does this, i get so depressed. i want to hurt myself and it just hurts too much to know that somebody who i love could do this to me.

I can’t describe the feeling in words, but the best word would be: "rotten". My whole body decaying pretty much, down to the bone.
I rarely talk to my friends about it, i don’t even think they've seen this side of her. ever. She only targets me really.

The things is, we kind of 'run' in the same circles, with the same people, so its extremely difficult to explain to somebody that she could be so two-faced and cruel.
 


And, to continue with the "complaints";
she threw out my bible, the one thing (other than music) that was/is keeping me going. Now i have to hide my faith from her and pretend it never happened.

I don’t feel i can open up to people about this. (last time i tried to i got called a ‘poser’)

So,the questions;
How do i deal with this?
How can i stop her acting this way/ stand up to her without being violent?
And, How can i open up to my friends and certain family members about my faith, and now, my depression?

MAT writes:

I’m impressed that you want to take the higher road, but I think there comes a time when the one always getting pushed starts pushing back. 

You should write a letter to your sister. Make duplicates. Put one on each of your parents’ desks, and one on your sister’s bed. Then go stay at a friend’s place. It should go something like this:

“Dear (blank)

You are my sister and I love you. It breaks my heart that you’ve become such a cruel person in recent months. I don’t know what’s going on inside you, but you’re obviously in a dark place, and have some issues. I wish you’d think of me again as a confidante and a friend, and not as a combatant enemy. We are in this together, and I’m all ears if you want to talk.

That said, I’ve given you as much rope as I possibly can.

I’m going away for a few days. When I see you again, I’ll be civil, but I will not respond to you until you apologize for everything you’ve put me through.

IN THE MEANTIME, (and I do mean “MEAN” time,) here’s my policy:

a) IF you are verbally abusive to me again, I will continue ignoring you. Pretty soon, you will have irreparably destroyed the ONLY relationship that you could always count on. As a bonus you’ll also be known as the “bitch” and I’ll be known as the “cool one”.

b) IF you are EVER physically abusive to me again, then you’d better make sure Mom has your health insurance is paid in full. –cos I will rain the hurt down on you like a fucking WOLVERINE.

Do NOT FUCK WITH ME and do NOT underestimate me. I may be little, but I’ve been saving up so much fury towards you, that I am a walking, ticking time bomb. I will break your fucking nose. I will pull out your hair in clumps. I will turn into a god damn animal and you DO NOT WANT THAT. I will put a fucking Jihad on you. I will give you scars that you will have to explain to every single boy you try to fuck in college –except they won’t want to fuck you, ‘cos your nose will be crooked and the pins in your knees will hurt every time it’s humid.

I want you to think about the words “permanent disfigurement” for a second. PERM- A – NENT. Another good word to look up is Blitzkrieg.

Why? Cos’ i just. don’t. give. a fuck. I would rather sit in jail than sit at home, the way things are.

You will be saying my name a lot in years to come. Now, whether it’s Arienette-my-amazing-sister-and-best-friend, or Arienette-the-monsoon-of-teen-angst-and-the-reason-why-my-retina-is-detached-and-cloudy… that’s all up to you.

I’ve been raised well. I am a passive, religious, and loving person. -But I’m also a human being, and as such I have the right to defend myself. No one deserves to be mistreated, especially in her own home.

Friends will come and go, but sisters are forever. i hope you realize how much you used to mean to me. I hope we can get back to that place.

Mom and Dad both have copies of this letter. You have been warned. See you around.

3. KATKAT writes:

Amanda, I have a disability. All of my life, I have known I was different from everyone else. I do what I want & have no qualms about it. When my disability was diagnosed, I was EVEN MORE different...when I hit college, people started verbalizing how "weird" or "unique" I was. You could tell in their looks & dissaproving tones that it wasn't "normal" to be me anymore. Problem being this: I like being me...very much. Lately, as some of my friends (one of my closest) have bought into "normalcy," they are starting with the disapproving tones & hurtful words. Is it okay to be me? At 22 years old, is it alright to still be the me I want to be? I think you'd know & be able to help me. Please don't stop the music.

AMANDA writes:

it's pretty obvious that you know the answer already, but i think you just need to hear it again. yes: it's always, 100% totally fucking ok to be you. Always. every human being on the earth is made out of different stuff but we're all generally cut from the same cloth. if you like being you very much then you're doing everything right. just keep it that way.

people are freaked out by difference. they see something that they aren't familiar with (i don't need to start here on being gay, or a minority in midwest white america, but you get the picture) and they just spazz out.

people can be frightened to encounter people with disabilities because they don't know how to react, what to do, what to say, how to be. they're convinced that there's some acceptable, "correct" behavior and they're scared of fucking up. so their own insecurities and fears wind up being dumped straight on your head, as if you didn't have enough to deal with.

most people i know with disabilities are the smartest, wisest and kindest of all because they GET, fundamentally, the simple fact that life is too fucking short and precious to be wasted on the superficial. So. congratulations................

 

4. MEGAN writes:

MAT, I'm going to be blunt: I hate my town. It’s a pathetic little middle-of-nowhere Australian town. There’s nothing to do here, nothing to see, nowhere to go. I'm planning on moving closer to the city when I finish school- I want a busy place with lots of people and things to see, and I'm not going to get that in this shitty little town. Problem is, I don't finish school for 3 years yet, so I'm stuck here until then.

How can I make this waste-of-space town bearable for a few years until I can leave?

MAT writes:

I sense that a lot of Raccoons can relate to this. Trite as it may be, I’ll refer you to one of my favorite poems by Arthur O'Shaughnessy:

We are the music makers,


And we are the dreamers of dreams,


Wandering by lone sea-breakers,


And sitting by desolate streams;—


World-losers and world-forsakers,


On whom the pale moon gleams:


Yet we are the movers and shakers


Of the world for ever, it seems.

I mean, how many “desolate streams” does Los Angeles have?? You’d be amazed at how many of our heroes came from small towns.

Don’t be in a huge hurry to get to the city. Three years is the perfect amount of time to cultivate a diverse skill set. Every town has a library, and you should be ordering something from Amazon like every week. You can put on your own plays, design the costumes, do the makeup, write the scripts, write the songs and put them on YouTube. Put your shitty town on the map. Make it YOUR kingdom. When you finally get to Sydney, say things like, “You hipster pussies wouldn’t last a DAY in my town.”

For entertainment, when all else fails, you can always give the finger to babies. So long as the parent doesn’t see you, it’s not immoral, cos babies don’t know what it means. Trust me it will make you laugh. My good friend from MSI taught me that on tour in Seattle.

 

5. Amanda,

Why aren't you shaving? Have you got a special reason for not doing it or is it just because you realized that body hair = awesomeness?

Amanda writes:

i don't think body hair = anything. i hate rules, i hate structure, i hate the feeling that i HAVE to do ANYTHING. period.

and so i shave or wax when the mood strikes me...and i enjoy seeing the world through the eyes of someone who's flaunting the bullshit beauty standard when she feels like it.

likewise: if i were afraid to shave because people expected me to be this consistent freak-flag waving unshaven femisinst, i'd be a hypocrite. don't let anybody tell you differently: you can always have it both ways. you can shave, wax and pluck and coiff as much as you want to. go for it. sex it up. sex it down. but...the question is: are you doing it from freedom or do you have an agenda? WHAT'S the agenda? are you manipulating? are you scared shitless? think about it.............

 

6. AMBER writes:

MAT, I am engaged and i haven't told my mother. She absolutely hates the guy i want to spend my life with. How can i tell her that i'm going to marry the very guy she hates?

MAT writes:

It’s called wine, and it’s been a social lubricant for thousands of years.  All this will take is a giant jug of cheap Chianti, Rock of Love on DVD, a Post It note and a Polaroid camera.

STEP 1. Offer to make an Italian dinner w her. Girls night.

STEP 2. Put Rock of Love on the TV. Make a deal w your mom, every time Brett Michaels says, “awesome” you both take a sip of wine.

STEP 3. When she passes out drunk on the couch, write, “My daughter’s engaged” on a PostIt note and stick it to her forehead. Take a Polaroid pic of her and stick it on the fridge.

Kidding. Well, it’s one of two things: Either your fiancé’ is a cool guy and your mom is way too judgmental and prejudiced. -OR maybe your mom is just doing what mom’s do… protect their daughters from guys who are pieces of shit. Does he have a mustache or a faded tattoo of a leprechaun? Does he own a suspiciously large amount of duct tape? You have to be open to the possibility that you are too close to the situation to be objective.

Either way, marrying him without her consent is something I bet you may regret. I wouldn’t drop the bomb. I’d tell her it’s immanent tho.

DO this: Bring him to some family functions... if other relatives and friends agree with your mom, it’s a serious red flag. Call it off.

If not, then have an adult discussion with her about it. If the guy is solid, then you should be able to refute the reasons she hates him—at least to the point where she’s comfortable. Tell her that you want to marry him, but that it vital to you that she’s at your side.

 

7. Eli WRITES:

Amanda, I'm 14 years old, and I'm in high school. Pure hell, you know; but not only to me. I have this friend who tends to get really depressed when boys tell her anything about her face, personality, etc. And that's happened since the year started. My friend is really sick of them, and her life. A few months ago she told me and some other girls that she was planning to cut her wrists, but still, she never did it (I mainly think it's because she's very fearful, and it gets a ton of balls to do that) I always knew she'd never get the guts to hurt herself, but today she exploded, and spent the whole day crying, but in a really desperate way. We all sat around her to give advice, and she told us that she couldn't get that idea out of her head. And that's when I realized how bad she is. Amanda, what should I do? I really care about Sofia (my friend), and I don't want her to screw her life.

Amanda writes:

yikes. here's what i would do: if there's someone you REALLY trust: a teacher, a neighbor, an aunt, an older friend, especially if they know Sofia and won't tell her folks, i would ask for help from them. suicide threats are usually an extreme attention-getting device for someone who's really unhappy about their situation, and my guess is that Sofia is possibly dealing with some terrible, terrible shit at home....doesn't matter, the upshoot is that she's really insecure and she's letting you know that. so what she needs is probably somebody older to talk to who can help her cope with what she's going through. if you don't know anybody, then just stay near her, stay in touch, pay close attention, and tell her that you're always available to help her, in whatever way you can, and that you love her the way she is. she needs to hear it. find a way to say it that'll make sense to you and her and the situation. it can be very tempting to get wrapped up in the strangely romantic drama of someone who's threatening suicide, and not everybody around is necessarily going to care and respond for the right reasons. so make sure you don't get caught up in the drama and lure of the situation.  just stick by her as a friend.if you ever catch wind that she's in REAL danger (ie she gives you detailed specifics about getting a weapon and offing herself) do NOT be afraid to pull the alarm and call the police. if she was just stirring up drama, she'll have earned it (....and she'll need to cope with the consequences, which may - hopefully - open up some doors for healing her up). and if she meant it, you might save her life……..

 

8. J writes:

MAT, I'm sure I'm too old to be asking for advice like this, but I don't know where to turn. I'm in my late 20s and have 2 children, one of whom is disabled. I've just come out of a dysfunctional long-term relationship, and I'm absolutely lost. I have hardly any support network at all, having been alienated from many of them by my controlling ex. I feel very alone. I'm unhappy in my job, and trying to see this whole situation as a new start. I want to change direction in my career and reinvent myself. All very nice in theory, but I don't know where to start. I am terrified of being on my own but terrified of allowing anyone else to get close, terrified of taking a risk, terrified of making the wrong choices. I know I need to make some decisions and do something - I've wasted so much time already - but I don't know where to begin. I am so busy just trying to hold everything together, I need someone to hold me up but I have no one.

MAT writes:

I seriously feel for you. Congrats on being away form you ex.

When everything seems insurmountable and overwhelming, it’s usually best to break it down into small lists, and to focus on one thing at a time.

Ok. For now, get the thought of a new relationship out of your head…fuck dudes. For now.

The next thing you should do is methodically make amends with every friend that you ignored years ago. Meet them for coffee and rekindle the relationships. You need them, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how forgiving they will be. Everyone knows your ex was a dick. They missed you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Everybody needs it.

After that, start looking for a better job, or whatever.. just one thing at a time. Stick to the journey and opportunities will open up to you.

I understand your crippling terror.. that’s exactly WHY so many girls allow themselves to be victimized for so long. –but here’s the thing… you don’t have a choice. You HAVE to prevail. You are a role model to 2 amazing kids. How they see you handle this challenge will shape their entire lives forever. They can either grow up feeling that anything is possible, or they can grow up thinking that the world is a cruel and malicious place to be feared.

You are strong and brave, and the older your kids get, the more they’ll recognize how heroic you are. There are better times ahead, believe me. 6 months from now, you will have found the rhythm.

Also, I don’t want to get too fortune cookie-ish, but these 5 words have gotten me through a lot: There is always a way.

 

9. KATY asks:

AMANDA, hi. i'm in my junior year of high school, and I’m living overseas in the south of France. i moved here in the middle of my sophomore year, and while i've been told by every person who's outlived me by a year that this is such an amazing opportunity, I’m still resenting this move.

The people i go to school with are so different then me. in France the drinking age is 16, thus my peers feel that every Saturday night they should go to the local clubs get completely wasted, put photos on facebook and flaunt to everyone how amazing they are.

(i should also point out that i go to a private school and where my parents can only afford for my brother and i to attend because my parent's company offered to pay it; everyone else's "mummy and daddy" are completely loaded.)

While the main advice any one would give me would be just ignore those people. there are literally only two girls, who like me, don't think that it's super cool to not remember what you did last night. -And the three of us are definitely the "artsy fartsy" type who hang out in the art room.

it just bothers me that i've been here for almost a year and i still feel remorse for the situation, i'm such a masochist if i had a bad day i head straight for the yearbook from my previous American high school. i feel as if i didn't appreciate the enjoyment at that school until it was gone. cliche? Yes, i see a therapist and have had past issues with depression, and i still do...i feel as if i'm counting down the days until i graduate and can go study anthropology at smith college (north hampton = greatest town anyone?) Regardless, i would just love some insight from your high school experience: handling a social scene that you didn't fit in with, boys, scholastics and maybe a hug in the form of words

Amanda writes:

You know, high school is pretty much pure hell for everybody. i rarely talk to anybody who wasn't insecure as hell in high school, feeling lost, clueless, and utterly convinced that everybody else had somehow gotten the memo that they had missed.

i certainly felt like a total outcast in a certain way in high school. my boyfriend was older and outside the whole world of the school and it's social networks, there were groups of people who i thought were cool but i never felt invited into any of their  parties or friendship circles, and i was befuddled by my own extreme sense of judgment (if high school kids aren't the most obnoxious, judgmental bunch on the planet, i don't know who is). 

the most comforting thing i've learned, in retrospect, is that while i was hanging in the outskirts, looking in, a lot of people assumed (and i KNOW, because i've met them after the fact) that i was just too cool to approach and that i wanted to be left alone with my punk haircut. nothing could have been further from the truth...i wanted friends so desperately i could taste it every moment walking down the hallways with my walkman blaring. but the signal i was sending out was really hostile, and i wasn't aware of it.

here's the thing: remember that you don't NEED a shitload of friends. stick with the two like-minded ones you mentioned and treat your friendship like gold, because you're lucky you've got them, and try not to cast judgment on the ones who feel alienating. they're just going through what they need to go through, and - you can bank on it - need and crave exactly what you crave...and what i, and what everybody on this planet craves: acceptance and understanding. on the other hand, your friends don't have to be artists, they don't have to be some special pre-conceived notion of what you think your friends should look like. just test out some random kindness on one of them and see what happens. you may be shocked.

i often wish i could go back to high school and college and see everybody for the fucked-up mess they were. i know now that it wasn't just me, and i think i would have been a lot less alone, and open to more friendships, if i'd understood that.

the other thing i'd suggest is to look outside your immediate classmates for connection. some of my strongest friendships and connections when i was a teenager weren't with other students, they were with my latin teacher, my french teacher, the guy next door...all people in their 30s and 40s. i've lived a abroad, i know the strange pros and cons that can come with being an American in Europe, and one thing that you can use to your advantage is your outsider status, because people are curious about you. so i wouldn't be surprised if you can create your most meaningful connections somewhere surprising, like with the dude who fixes bicycles down the street from your house or the chick who works in the local bookstore.

say hi, let them ask you the requisite "oh la la, are you American?" questions, tell them you love talking to strangers, and before you know it you'll be sharing baguettes with them and their friends over really good wine and coffee while your colleagues are out getting plastered...................................................................................

 

10. THEO TERRY writes:

???????????? Mat,
 About a month ago a new girl transfered to my school and I developed an extreme crush on her. Something about her drew me to her. I soon discovered that she has a boyfriend and at that time lost all hope in pursuing her. But after getting to know her more and talking to her in school, facebook, and later on the phone I found out that shes an amazing person. Probablly the most amazing girl i've ever met in my entire life to be honest. And I thought it would be fair to let her know my feelings so I told her. Well her response was mutual and she likes me too. But she still has her boyfriend who shes been with for over a year. He’s like her best friend as she would put it. Her and I connect on so many levels. I could talk to her 24 hours a day and never get bored. No other girl i'm interested in even compares to her. We hold hands sometimes and we've grown pretty close as friends. I don't want to pressure her into anything. And now that I know she likes me its all so very confusing. I don't know how to be patient its so hard to. I want her so bad its crazy! I'm so scared I'll fuck up and lose her. Is there anything you could say or mention to help me?

MAT writes:

Don’t act all naïve! Dude, your name is THEO! All Theos are like you: cool and crafty as fuck.  All other guys are petrified that their GF’s might one day come home and say, “Soooo.. at H&M today, I met this sweet guy named THEO.”  Man, I shouldn’t even help you! I’d ward you about karma, but Theos are karma-proof! They eat karma. Clearly, you’re going to hump this girl... the question isn’t WILL you.. it’s SHOULD you.   -And that answer is actually a little more complicated than it seems.

Here’s the deal. 

Either A) She finds you attractive and exciting and loves the attention you give her, BUT she’s conflicted because she still has feeling for her boyfriend as well. or B) She has strong feelings for you, and just doesn’t have the balls YET to break up with her boring, safe BF.

If A, and I know you’re gonna ignore me, you should probably bail. It’s going to get messy. Even IF you steal her, sorry, I mean WHEN you steal her, the “ex” will likely always be in the picture. Drama nightmare. –still could be exciting and steamy… but ultimately VERY stressful.

If B, then wait it out. Just keep doing what Theo’s do. Stay discreet for a while and be mindful of the fact that the ex will be devastated. You are in.

Unfortunately, the ONLY way to find out is to confront her, again, and ask for an honest answer.

I HOPE that it’s B. –because you seem to have genuinely strong feelings for this girl... for the right reasons. I love that your flattery is focused on her personality and the things she says, not necessarily her looks. Maybe not all Theos are players afterall! (maybe)

Either way, always stay cool and fun and NEVER cling-y. (small, very short clever love notes are acceptable) -and either way, tell me what happens, so we can sell the story to HBO!

 

11. BECKY writes:

AMANDA, As a once-creativeish person who has found herself 35 and in a Profession with a Doctorate, I have a question about bravery. I've just been introduced to you and your work, and I love the many experiments you spearhead with your shows, Twitter, and Life in General. How are you so damn fearless, and is there anything you have to suggest for someone who yearns for some of that freedom again? Does it all just come down to saying 'fuck it' and jumping off the cliff? (come to Texas)

AMANDA writes:

as simple as it seems, um.....yep. just say fuck it and jump off the cliff. in my experience, the net always appears, sometimes not even in the form of a net (so be careful and don't freak out when it's a trampoline, or a sleeping bag carried by a bunch of children or something). do something unexpected every day. it takes WORK and EFFORT, it takes TIME. but all of a sudden, life's more fucking interesting, and there you go.

p.s. i'll come to texas soon, i promise

12. BONUS ANSWER to AERIC from Amanda: if you watch the film "king of hearts" (original french: "le roi du coeur") you'll pretty much see my entire life philosophy come to life in color on a screen for 90 minutes.when i saw that film (i was a teenager, probably 16) my life was changed because i knew i wasn't alone in my crazy fucked up dreams and absurd idealist view of the world. 

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DARK MATTER, INTERGALACTIC GAS and AMANDA PALMER

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 12:01 PM

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