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Britney In Rear-Ender

Pic above of Sally Worth mentioning Vampire Weekend

It's been awhile since we mentioned our old friend Britney Spears around these parts. This Brit hiatus was and is a result of boredom, lack of truly weird news and plain old fatigue - hasn't the world had enough Britney? Allow us to answer our own semi-rhetorical question: who knows. But once in awhile, something so juicy, so bizarre, so straight up wack occurs that we must acknowledge said happening. That happening? Oh, nothing. She rear-ended a car the other day, that's all. But why is this news? It isn't. But it's in character, kinda pathetic, and it allows a million magazine editors and bloggers to run a headline similar to what you see above. Welcome back, Britney! (Get it, Back? never mind...)

Also Rustling In the Cultural Breeze...

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have hit the showers, in an end-of-the-relationship, not a steamy, way. This according to Alan Peppard, who appears to be a gossip columnist for The Dallas Morning News. What will Dallas-Fort Worth area gossip-hounds write about now? Do we care?

Just when you thought Vampire Weekend were everywhere, they are even more everywhere. Pitchfork reports that the Afropop appropriators were mentioned in Sally Worth. Yes, the comic strip Sally Worth.

Jay-Z has responded to Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher's claim that hip-hop doesn't belong at Glastonbury, the long-running UK summer festival. The world has to change, according to Jay. It's a beautiful thing, he says. Rappers have paid their dues, Jay notes. Yawn. Before I was exited for Jay-Z's Glasto set. Now? Not so much.

Once Again...

Britney's Latest Smash Hit! [E! Online]

Sources Confirm Jessica Simpson / Tony Romo Break-up [Dallas Morning News]

Indie Rock Hits The Funny Pages, Again [Pitchfork]

I Got 99 Problems But the Pitch Ain't One [The Sun, via Stereogum]

Spears Publicist With Not-Bad Idea?

According to the AP, the BBC, and as many other media outlets as the Britney machine can notify, Britney Spears will appear in a March 24th episode of How I Met Your Mother, a CBS show that, contrary to most television comedies, is funny. Britney will appear as a dermatologist's receptionist or something. According to Harold and Kumar star Neil Patrick Howser, Spears will be acting:

"I was shocked that Madame Spears was willing to come and do some acting, she hasn't acted in a while," he said.

Since she hasn't acted in awhile, it will be exciting to see Ms. Spears do some acting.

Justin Has Moved On, You See

Awhile back, news broke that Justin Timberlake, with the aid of unstoppable producer Timbaland, offered a helping hand to his old flame Britney Spears. He and Timbaland would write, create and produce a new single for Britney, a comeback jam sure to help her regain her foothold in the pop landscape. The proposed collabo never came to be, however, and Timbaland intimated that Brit was not so down with the idea. More succinctly, she told them she didn't need them. Timbaland? Pissed.

So it was not such a big surprise when, interviewed on the way into the Madonna-inducting Rock n' Roll Hall Of Fame ceremony, Justin  offered the following rye observation:

"The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple."

Then again, Britney may have dated a couple of Thriller-era Michael Jackson wannabe's.

Oops, Again Etc., Etc., Etc.,

The NME is reporting that Britney Spears has become pregnant via doing the nasty with paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Allegedly. And she wants a girl. Allegedly. And Ghalib has been boasting that he'll be "set for life." Allegedly. And the public's interest in Britney? Sadly, confirmed.

Britney's Rolling Stone Tragedy

The new Rolling Stone is sure to fly off the shelves in Kentwood, LA, the malls of SoCal, and anywhere followers of Great American Tragedies reside. Why, one asks? Because Rolling Stone, finally, has taken it upon itself to dive headlong into the crazy, Black American Express, Betsey Johnson dressing room world of Britney Spears... and they're passing the hair weaves onto you! An excerpt from their current cover story is already over on their site, and it's riveting - a seemingly innocent weekend shopping trip morphs into a hideous peek into a pop tart descending into madness. Or something like that. Here's some RS getting all Truman Capote on us:

Only a few kids are in the store, a young girl with her brother and two blondes checking out fake-gold charm bracelets. Britney rifles the racks as the Cure's "Pictures of You" blasts into the airless pink boutique, grabbing a pink lace dress, a few tight black numbers and a frilly red crop top, the kind of shirt that Britney used to wear all the time at seventeen but isn't really appropriate for anyone over that age. Then she ducks into the dressing room with Ghalib. He emerges with her black Am Ex.

The card won't go through, but they keep trying it.

"Please," begs Ghalib, "get this done quickly."

One of the girls runs to Britney's dressing room, explaining the situation through a pink gauze curtain.

A wail emerges from the cubby — guttural, vile, the kind of base animalistic shriek only heard at a family member's deathbed. "F*** these bitches," screams Britney, each word ringing out between sobs. "These idiots can't do anything right!"

First I'm Taking You To The Loony Bin, Then I'm Going To The Brewery

Once more: in the words of the Twin Peaks Giant, It is happening again. Very early this morning a phalanx, as they say, of cops and medical teams, not to mention reporters and helicopters, descended on the Studio City, CA home of Britney Spears. Ms. Spears was taken to the UCLA Medical Center where she is apparently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation (don't even TALK to Tom Cruise about psychiatric evaluations - he and the you-know-who's hate that stuff!). Presumably they will either 1) determine instability and keep her there, or 2) deem her just safe enough to release back into our totally sane society. Hair metal fans and Cali-psych enthusiasts will know that the Golden State's mental health statute is known as 5150. It's got what it takes... so tell me Why Can't This Be Sanity? From ABC:

Police and an ambulance rushed the troubled pop star away from a side entrance at her home and took her to UCLA Medical Center, according to the Times. A call from her psychiatrist prompted the scene, the Times reported.

A hospital spokesman would not confirm whether Spears was at the hospital, The Associated Press said.

Under a state mental health statute known as 5150, an individual who is considered by a medical professional to be a danger to herself or others can be involuntarily committed to a mental institution by her family or even friends. Such a confinement is called an evaluation hold.

Britney Spears on Stretcher, Being Evaluated

The Britney '08 campaign continues! After impressive victories in the Celebrity Stupidity debates in 2007, Britney Spears has opened 2008 with a stunning and dramatic victory in the Iowa Train Wreck caucuses last night. Turnout on her part was 100%, and she finished with strong momentum heading into the rest of the campaign. Yes, that photo features Britney on a stretcher. From CNN International:

Pop star Britney Spears was taken to a hospital for tests to see if she was under the influence of alcohol or drugs and for a psychological evaluation after police were called to her home Thursday night to mediate a custody dispute, a police spokesman said.

Spears appeared to be conscious as she was rolled out of her Studio City home on a gurney about three hours after police and ambulances arrived there.

According to The Associated Press, officers were called to Spears' house around 8 p.m. to respond to a custodial dispute with ex-husband Kevin Federline over their sons, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, Officer Jason Lee of the Los Angeles Police Department said.

Britney's Legal Eagles Fly, Fly Fly...

The legal team representing Britney Spears has asked an L.A. judge to resign from Britney, the case and the whole freakin' kit and kaboodle. 2008 is turning out to be very 2007 (and 2006, and 2005, and...) for Britney. Why are they quitting, even though winners never quit? Because Britney's antics are defeating the cause. Britney, help them help you. And in case you were wondering, she's been getting it on with the paparrazo/photog/stalker she met over the holidays. From Monsters and Critics:

Spears is still shacking up in hotels with the paparrazo she picked up during the holidays, Usmagazine.com reports that the pop star, wearing a black wig and dark sunglasses, and photographer Adnan Ghalib, 35, checked into the Parker Hotel in Palm Springs around 2 a.m. on Jan. 2 – and then checked out around 7 a.m.

This isn't the first time 26-year-old Spears has spent time in a hotel with Ghalib – Spears has developed an intimate relationship with the photographer who told Us in September, "I'll get her sooner or later".

Last week, Ghalib comforted her at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills.

Good Riddance, 2007

What a fascinating, obnoxious, stupid and repulsive year. Remember when Britney shaved her head? Seems like years ago. So long, 2007.

K-Fed Flirts With Paris, Warns Brit

It wouldn't be a Last Day Of 2007 Post without mentioning Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. In the latest humiliating development for Britney, K-Fed has been seen flirting and socializing with Paris Hilton in LA over the past several, party-soaked months. But that's not all! K-Fed's lawyer wants to depose Britney soon. He's got some fightin' words. From the AP:

The attorney for Kevin Federline says he wants to depose Britney Spears soon, the latest step in the former couple's ongoing child-custody battle.

"Britney Spears will have her deposition early (next) year," Mark Vincent Kaplan told People.com late Saturday outside a Beverly Hills restaurant. "We've got a lot to talk about."

Spears, 26, called in sick to a court-ordered deposition Dec. 12, although she was photographed that day driving with a friend.

"She was, in fact, out later that day and night," Kaplan said. "It's not fourth grade where you get a doctor's note and it's all OK."

Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, Is Pregnant

Yikes: Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nick's Zoey 101 and younger sis of Britney Spears, is expecting a child. At sixteen, I'm surprised she even knows where babies come from. Maybe she didn't. Reportedly, Britney didn't even know about all this until after the story broke. So, um, kind of sad. Best wishes to all, though. From Reuters:

The cable channel confirmed a report in the forthcoming edition of celebrity gossip magazine OK! that Jamie Lynn Spears is expecting a child.

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being," Nickelodeon said in a statement e-mailed to Reuters.

A high school student who lives in Louisiana, Jamie Lynn Spears reportedly met the father, Casey Aldridge, the son of a Tennessee papermill worker, at church. Jamie Lynn Spears' personal publicist was not available for comment.

Oops, She Etc, Etc, Etc

The Britney Crazy Train rolls on! Now word is out on the street that Britney may be pregnant again. Yes, this is a rumor that's been around for awhile, but Google News has 47 articles on this possibility today. So that means something, right? Oh, and she has a sex room in her house filled with kinky outfits, fur-lined handcuffs and other goodies (baddies?). What else is in the sex room? How about:

1. Ticklers.
2. Whips.
3. A mirrored ceiling.
4. A glass jar containing spanking paddles.

Oh and, by the way, her furniture has poo on it. More from the NY Daily News:

"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit," claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

"Britney is sexually obsessed," the source tells [tabloid The] Star.

Britney Sad, Plausible Past

One of these days the world will lose interest in Britney Spears. Today is not that day. The upcoming US Weekly reveals (shockingly!) that Britney's whole "I'm a virgin" shtick was a PR move (you don't say), that she lost her virginity at 14 (I can't believe it) and that her and JT were getting Toxic from the get go (uh... duh). This being US Weekly, the hyperbole is pushed up to nauseating levels. Wanna sell magazines to impulse supermarket shoppers? Use phrases like "secret demons". The word 'secret' affords one the voyeuristic thrill that they are looking in on something they shouldn't. The word 'demon' is shocking to the pious religious folk, who, in this post Da Vinci Code world, are more fascinated than frightened by religious imagery.

So back to Britney. Does she have demons? In the loose sense of the word, yes. Are they secret? In any sense of the word, no.

Britney Fails Drug Test, Runs Red Light

Latest Brit Brit news: She failed a random drug test. Her lawyers claim it was a false positive result. She ran a red light and was texting at the same time, al with her two shorties in the back seat. K-Fed wants her banned from driving the children. Britney's lawyers call the drug tests unconstitutional. Could this go all the way to the Supreme Court? In Oppositeland, yes. From the Daily Mail:

Meanwhile, it has also been reported that Britney drove through a red light and was texting on her mobile phone while her two sons were in the back of the car.

Federline's lawyers have already asked the judge to ban Britney from driving with the children in the car, but this development could accelerate that decision.

A Britney Update...

Is it funny, or sad, or both?

1. Britney Spears calls Kevin Federline, threatens to kill herself.

2. PETA fears for the welfare of Britney's pets and has written a letter to Kevin Federline asking him to pursue custody of her pets.

3. Another sex tape may be coming out soon, and thieves took her dominatrix outfit. Story:

Britney Spears may face a new sex-tape scandal after it has emerged that kinky videos and photographs were among the items stolen from the star’s Los Angeles home last weekend.

The British tabloid The Sun reports that Spears is distraught after the gang made off with personal items, including a dominatrix-style outfit, after breaking into her 12 -million Beverly Hills home.

The Sun quoted a source as saying: “Britney is beside herself with worry — having your home broken into is bad enough for anybody, but when you’re famous and you have had some pretty personal things taken, it’s 10 times worse.

“These guys went first for all Britney’s personal stuff. They seemed to know in the long run this will be worth far more to them if they can sell it to the highest bidder.”

That Britney Fan

Remember the androgynous dude that defended Britney Spears in that YouTube clip? Here is a photo of him by the AP, thanks to the NYT. Crazy.

Britney Loses Manager, Soon To Lose Kids?

It's like the end of Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart spirals down into the bowels of an insane mind, or the beginning of Buck Rogers, when Buck spun around through space, thrusting forward 500 years, or the end of 2001, when David Bowman heads into the monolith and sees the wonders of the universe in multi-colored, speeding form. It's like that except it's Britney Spears hurtling barefoot through public bathrooms, holding toddlers in her lap as she races out of Malibu-area Starbucks coffee shops, giving truly putrid performances as part of a comeback ,and now allegedly prancing nude in front of her children in drug-fueled romps. The drugs and nude dancing may cost her custody of her kids, while the rest of it has caused her management company of one month to part ways with her. From ABC News:

Tony Baretto, the former bodyguard, said he worked for Spears after her stint in rehab earlier this year.

"During that time, he became very concerned about the children and their safety," said Allred, who is representing Baretto.

Allred said Baretto, 28, wrote in a statement that he is prepared to testify about "issues of nudity by Ms. Spears, drug use and safety issues involving the children."

YouTube + Britney + Bizarre She-Male...

... = Awesomeness! Yes, Britney Spears is having a tough time. But not as a tough as time as this...person.

Britney Spears Did Something Last Night

Sunday was a pretty eventful night in the life, and career death, of Britney Spears, even if it did air on Some Other Network. Her big return consisted of an extremely lethargic, awe-inspiringly dull, fantastically bizarre performance that was painful to watch. First of all, the lipsyncing was off. Way off. And she danced as if she'd taken a sleeping pill about thirty minutes before showtime. The difference in energy between Brit and her dancers was breathtaking. The only credit I'll give her is that she did not look as out of shape as most media outlets would have you believe - she was fine. Or rather, her body looked fine, but her eyes... it was if she saw herself on the monitor and was as spellbound as the rest of us. But don't take our word for it - check it:

AP: Britney Bomb

Entertainment Weekly: Britney's "Performance"

Washington Post: Britney Makes All the Wrong Moves

Digital Spy: Comeback Was Embarrassment

Times of London: Catastrophic Return To Stage

Baby Boy K-Snitch

Life goes on in the world of Britney Spears. First, reports come in that Our Brit is being investigated  regarding allegations of child abuse:

It is suggested the LA County Department Of Children And Family Services (DCFS) is looking at allegations of poor dental hygiene, eating and sleeping.

The authority is said to be "conducting an active investigation" though there is no suggestion of physical harm.

Who's behind the investigation? No surprise here:

The website states: "Curiously, although the DCFS keeps these allegations secret, they ended up in legal papers filed today by K-Fed's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, suggesting it might have been Fed-Ex himself who lodged the complaint."

All of which may explain the tenor of a new Britney tune which has leaked. Though still a demo, the track signals a change to a more sullen demeanor, and the lyrics barely disguise the subject. Apparently:

"Everyday I'm in a daze, looking for that someone "And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray "Oh, sweet love, can I get some? "So why do you desert me, baby boy? "I thought that you were the one"

Then in the middle of the song and Britney is heard on the phone talking to her 'baby boy'. She asks: "Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?"

The lovelorn ballad ends with the lines:

"So why did you desert me, baby boy? "I thought that you, you were the one." "So if you preferred the other one, "She won't bring you the sun."

Pic via the Daily Mail.

Hey Britney, You Just Got Divorced... What Are You Gonna Do Now?

She's gonna go to Disney World. No kidding - now that the divorce has been finalized, Britney Spears want to take Kevin Federline and the two unfortunate little ones to Disney World to show just how wonderful and thoughtful a mother she is. Why not Disneyland? It's pretty much in LA, they wouldn't have to go anywhere. That would be the smart thing to do. Of course, "smart" is relative in a situation where a freshly-divorced couple is thinking of going on a family vacation to Disney World. From stuff.co.nz:

Britney Spears is reportedly planning to take ex-husband Kevin Federline to Disney World to celebrate their divorce.

The Toxic singer - whose divorce from Kevin was finalised on Monday - wants to whisk him and their two children, 22-month-old Sean Preston and 10-month-old Jayden James, off to the Florida resort. Although the couple are now officially divorced, custody arrangements for the two boys are yet to finalised. Britney is keen to be the primary carer and sees the holiday as the perfect opportunity to show Kevin that she is a good parent. A source said: "Britney loves Disney and thinks it's the perfect place for her and Kevin to show the children they are still a family. "They are sharing custody at the moment, but Britney would love to get full custody but needs to win Kevin over."

The pair, who split last November after a two-year marriage, have rowed [ED: this means "argued" in non-American] constantly over the care of their two sons.

Kevin, who has two other children from a previous relationship, previously claimed the 25-year-old pop star - who recently completed a stint in rehab for alcoholism - was too unstable to be a full-time mother.

Finally, We Have Closure

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline represented the Camelot of Generation Laundromat. They were the Kurt and Courtney of their generation, the Brad and Jennifer, the dumb and dumber of the oughts. But now, after myriad separations, a plethora of P.R. nightmares, a failed PopoZao and a shaved head, they are no more. Brit and K-Fed, we knew ye way too well. From the WaPo:

The alimony agreement will not be made public unless there is an enforcement issue, Wasser said.

"Most of that tracks the prenup," the attorney said, without elaborating.

The child custody order was tentatively sealed, pending an Aug. 14 hearing.

"The best interests of the children could be harmed" if the arrangement were not sealed, Gordon said.

Britney Spears Loses It, Possibly Pregnant

Coming at the same time as Lindsay Lohan's public unraveling comes news from a bizarre and fascinating day in the life of Britney Spears. Apparently, Brit rang up OK! Magazine and offered herself up as an interview and photo subject. Gawker says that according to this site, the whole dog-poopin', grease-stainin' day could not have gone any worse. Most amazing? This Friday OK! Magazine, at great risk to their future relationship with Britney, will be running pics from and the story of the whole mesmerizing episode. Some wig-raising, alleged, details:

Britney was three hours late.

She was wasted.

Her untrained puppy pooped everywhere.

Britney cleaned up the poop with a Chanel dress.

She spoke like a baby (literally).

She peed with the door open.

She fondled her own breasts.

She left after feeling she was being ridiculed.

Oh and on top of all this, she might be pregnant.

Britney? A Nutjob?

Britney Spears may be a bit bonkers, but that is her business. And other entities are not allowed to use images of a bonkers Britney to help THEIR business. Which is why Brit and her crack team of legal eagles descended upon Florida, demanding that billboards used to promote some radio show, and featuring an image of the bald Britney, be taken down. Is it just me, or are radio DJs, shock jocks, and others of that ilk simply awful? Like, awful, awful, kinda dumb people? Maybe it's just me.

Britney Spears has admitted to having some problems, but she's drawing the line at a "nut job."

Facing the threat of a lawsuit from the pop star, Clear Channel Communications has taken down billboards in Florida advertising a local radio show with a paparazzi shot of a scowling, bald Britney and the tag lines "Total Nut Jobs," "Shock Therapy" and "Certifiable."

In a June 14 missive obtained by The Smoking Gun Website, Spears' Los Angeles-based lawyer, Lynda Goldman, alleged Clear Channel misappropriated the singer's image without permission. Goldman also groused that the company reneged on a promise to remove the offending signs days ago.

For the past several weeks, the conscience-shocking signage had been lining highways in Clearwater, Tampa and Jacksonville. There were three variations, each featuring the same image of Spears after her ill-conceived haircut (and before her trip to rehab) paired with a photo of MJ Kelli, host of 93.3 FM's The MJ Morning Show. Each billboard bore one of the taglines.

"Do I feel betrayed? Yeah, I feel betrayed," the deejay, whose real name is Todd Schnitt, was quoted as saying on the air. "I feel let down. I'm not happy with my company taking it down. I don't think there's any problem with it."

Photo via.

K-Fed To Be A Dad Again?

That's right! Word is that Kevin Federline may be the father of the unborn child of his sometime squeeze Shar Jackson. All this while he and Britney are apparently spending more and more time on the phone having exploratory tete-a-tetes and going through box after box of Puffs (box after box of Wheat Thins for K-Fed). Sh*t's about to hit the fan, methinks.

Kevin Federline is set to be a dad again, it has been reported.

Kevin, who was rumoured to be reuniting with estranged wife Britney Spears, has no idea his on/off lover Shar Jackson is expecting their third child.

A source told America's Star magazine: "Shar wants to tell Kevin, but she keeps getting cold feet! She's really scared of what he'll say - if he'll be excited or furious.

"What if he doesn't want another kid?'

Britney is allegedly desperate to patch things up with Kevin and used her recent New Mexico break to mull over their relationship.

A source said: "When she was on vacation she was in the best mood she's been in for ages. She confessed it was because she and Kevin are slowly moving towards getting back together."

Britney, 26, and Kevin, 28, are said to be having secret meetings and long heart-to-heart telephone conversations.